Eleanor Elizabeth

Still feeling really close to God- which is great. I've had some really specific words over the last few days relating to names- two names in particular.

The first is Eleanor. Surprise- Eleanor means Sunlight, Ray of Sun. it also means compassion, and other, or foreign. All of these meanings speak to my heart,- Sunlight, obviously, is one that I have discussed a lot recently. Compassion is one of the character traits I am most proud of in myself, and the idea of being "other" to the world is one that should be important to all Christians.

The other word I received was this- "You are my Elizabeth." At the time I had been reading and thinking a great deal about the impact stories have on us. Jesus spoke to us mostly in story. Characters from stories often speak to us in ways that we cannot explain. For me, that character is Elizabeth Bennet. If you are an avid reader of Austen like I am, you will realise that Lizzie is the protagonist of the timeless Pride and Prejudice- my absolute favourite story of all time. 

God spoke to me through her character this week. You don't need to know her story to understand this. The things spoken over me were incredible- you chose to love in the wrong place- the enemy lied to you. It was not your fault. You are loved. You will get your happy ending- love comes from a place you do not expect. The traits that I adore in Lizzie- they can be seen in me. She is headstrong, she loves fiercely and will move mountains for those close to her. She is funny and strong and fun to be around. Can I really see all of that in who I am? It is a role which will take some growing in to!! But I am happy to be Elizabeth.

Of course, the Elizabeth in the bible is now playing on my mind too- I will let that one rest there and see what, if anything, comes of it. It turns out, embracing your glory is hard work!!

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

A Change of Heart

Excited!!

I'm feeling really close to God at the moment, as I mentioned in my last post. I have been reading another John Elderedge book- every time I read one it seems to change how I see God completely- and always just in the way I need. The last one I read totally changed the way I see Jesus. This time it's Waking the Dead. It's all about God's desire to see us come alive as we were intended to be. The key message is that the glory of God is in man fully alive. It's a difficult message to understand- it's one that has to be received rather than explained and it took me quite some time to get there- but it changes everything. Literally everything. The idea that my living life fully alive brings glory to the Lord- was the purpose of Jesus' coming- has fired up my soul. 

Alive

It's given me a confidence that has been lacking recently. One that I found at Imagine this year, but lost somewhere along the way, in all the relationship drama and other nonsense since summer. It's been stolen by the enemy in the course of my trying simply to live out each day- I have forgotten again what it means to be me. If my being fully alive is God's desire and glory, then alive I shall be. I feel alive. It's a change in me- a change I genuinely believe those close to me should be able to see. We forget that original glory came before original sin. God made us glorious- so being fully human, fully myself is actually a good thing. The best thing. 

I had a great chat with Amy about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. As Christians, we often face the idea that there is a certain way we ought to behave- especially, I find, as a young woman. I must be gentle, polite, calm and not imposing. Well God did not create me that way. I am not quiet. I am not gentle. I am loud, and happy, and I like to share what's going on with the people I love- not keep it to myself in the name of saving face. And that, my friends, is how God made me. I  have suppressed this on and off for a long, long time. I get attached to people quickly- but I show it slowly. I never want to be seen to be too much- for the fear that who I really am is, in fact, not enough. But what I have discovered is this- to fail to embrace the way you were created is to deny the glory of God in your heart. What we were actually discussing was swearing- an odd example, I know, and not something I advocate, although I have been known to use some choice words on occasion. Okay, much more than on occasion. For a long time, I swore like a sailor. Or more accurately, like a chef.

Experience

To explain where our discussion took us, I have to explain why it is that I swear, and what I believe about how we are created. I never used to swear- not ever. That was before I ended up working in a kitchen. By the time I had been there five years, speaking that way was normalised for me. It was just how we communicated- and it was noticed if you didn't. I have always sought to fit in- this, I think, is clear. But some habits are difficult to break. Here's the clincher. though- God has a plan for each of us. He puts us in certain places as we grow to prepare us for His great plan. There are people each of us will cross paths with, and those are the people we should communicate with, build relationship with, and share our lives with. If the best way to communicate with them is on their terms, well then God may well call us to fit into their world. That looks different depending on where we are, but if it's in His plan, it most certainly is not wrong. 

Please don't think that what I'm trying to do here is to justify one of my bad habits- it's something I acknowledge, and I genuinely believe I'm getting a lot better, by grace. God is changing my heart, and speaking that way no longer feels natural to me. What I'm really getting at is the heart of the issue- the heart of all of our issues. We are broken now- but we were created glorious. Jesus came to forgive us- but also to allow us to forgive ourselves, and most importantly, to make us whole again. To restore our hearts to glory. I am no longer afraid to stand out and be noticed, because I trust that in prayer and through a genuine change of my heart, God will have me noticed for the right reasons.

Doing Life

You are told constantly that there is a "Christian" way to behave, and to do life- but that's the problem. We are doing life- we are not living it.When we modify our behaviour- and do not ask and allow the Lord to modify our hearts- we deny God the chance make us whole- I deny Him the opportunity to make me fully me again. We are not called to sink into the shadows. We are called to bring light.

You and I need to embrace ourselves- I am me. No one can be more me than I- and I am just as God intended me to be. Life can destroy me, if I let it. Only God can make me glorious in the essence of who I was born to be. And that, my friends, is the most important thing I ever need to know.

Merry Christmas!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year again- Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I only got today off, but it's been a lovely day with the family! I managed to get off work in time to head to the Shedd family Christmas service last night- it was lovely. I love my Shedd family so much! For the first time in ages, I feel really close to God. I love this time of year and all it entails. Family time- love everywhere! Of course, it's tiring and takes a lot of work to make Christmas go well- but it's completely worth it on the day. This year, I had to make my gifts for people myself as I'm so very short of cash. It's taken a lot of the stress out- in recent years I've found myself resenting the consumerist side of Christmas, as I see more and more how the birth of Jesus has been turned into something so much more worldly. This year has been better- much less fuss all round. 

Unfortunately our town was hit with flooding two days ago- if you're reading this, please do say a prayer for those affected. Quite a large number of people in the street next to us have been displaced from their homes and have lost their presents as well as their other possessions. The picture below shows the street- the van on the left hand side was Dad's. We lost mum's car and the van- my car is the only one that survived. Sometimes I really do feel blessed. It was upsetting at the time, but we quickly saw how lightly we got off compared to others. 

The most important thing at this time of year is to remember the reason we celebrate. Jesus came to the world to make us whole and repair our relationship with the Father. And no matter what else happens- flooding, losing possessions, or any other disasters, that alone is is a reason for joy.

My New Project

One Blog wasn't enough!

As part of my Tearfund Rhythms project, I've started a new tumblog!! It's called "Enough to Eat?" and my aim is to draw attention to those in the world who are less fortunate than myself and maybe give a few tips on how we can alleviate their suffering. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a lot, but it's important to me. I'm learning the value of advocacy, and everywhere I go I'm getting new ideas- cue me investing far too much time in yet another blog! I'm very excited about it- feel free to check it out:

http://enough-to-eat.tumblr.com

Wreaking Havoc

Nature is a beautiful and terrible thing.

By the sea is one of my favourite places to be. When I am in Stirling I miss it awfully. It looks especially beautiful in winter, all whipped up. But last night a combination of a high tide and dreadful wind caused carnage here in Stonehaven. The seafront is devastated. Businesses and homes alike have been flooded, some near enough destroyed, by the sea. The boardwalk is torn up. The sea has ripped apart hundred year old walls as though they were nothing. 

It's truly awful to see. The sea, still beautiful, has not yet calmed. There is no use in a clean up operation until later on in the week when we can be sure the worst is over. 

This is a sad state, particularly when we remember that Stonehaven is famous for its New Year celebrations, and this year with the new look Open Air in the Square bringing in thousands from outside the town, the pressure is on to have this all cleaned up as quickly as possible.

It's a good reminder to me, of God's power. He chooses to be a true and loyal God, loving to the last and more beautiful than anything we can see or imagine. His power, though, should not be underestimated. Personally, I have always found the idea of fearing God, the God I know, a little difficult to understand. The situation in my hometown today has given me an insight into what that really means.

Big Decisions

I've made a big decision- and it's very exciting!!

I'll be taking baptismal classes while I'm home, with the aim of getting baptised before I go back to Stirling. I'm looking forward to it a lot!!

It's been a bit of a journey- baptism is something I've been thinking about for a while now- I really think it's the next step for me, as becoming a fully fledged member of Shedd who contributes and all that is really important to me. I also feel that after all I've done and been through, God wants to reaffirm that he can wash anything clean- there is a lot I have done that I'm not proud of and that gesture of love is important to me. I'm also very afraid of going under water- an obvious barrier to the whole idea of full submersion!!- but I've been working with my good friend Amy on getting over that fear, and I finally feel ready.

It means a lot to me to have the chance to stand publicly and renounce my behaviour in the past, and embrace all that God has for me in the future. I'm very excited!!

Home for the Holidays

I'm home :)

It's bittersweet. Saying goodbye to the girls was one of the hardest things ever- it's amazing how close you can get to people in such a short time when you all live together- but my parents are glad to see me and I will be able to go to Shedd tomorrow. I also went to my sister's and saw her and Katelyn for a while tonight. 

I thank God so so much for putting those girls into my life, I love them too much. I trust that he will bless me again next semester with people who will enrich my life. In the meantime I have plenty of free time to catch up with the wonderful people I missed while I was away :)

Finished!!!

Well, the semester is officially over. My last final is done and I am free to go home, or stay here, or basically do what I want. I've been desperate to get home all semester. But now...

Well, I don't need to get back for Lewis any more. I saw my mum at the weekend so she'll be fine for a few extra days, and my friends- well they're all here. And now I have to face the reality that when I leave on Saturday, I say good bye to most of them, kind of forever. Unless on the slim chance at some point in our lives we're visiting the countries each other live in, we won't ever hang out again. I know I'll see amy- that's not the same. I couldn't live without her for ever. But I like living with these people. I like what we have. And now everyone is going home- and they're not coming back.

After Christmas, we get an onslaught of new exchange students and go through the whole process of making friends all over again. It never occured to me to keep anyone at a distance, but it's starting to. I hate goodbyes. If we make friends with all the newbies, this has to happen again. I sometimes wish I was the sort of person who could detach myself. But I know in my heart that isn't what God wants for me. I read a quote this week from Andrea Gibson:

"A Doctor once told me I feel too much. I said, so does God. That's why you can see the Grand Canyon from the moon."

It's my greatest gift and my Achilles heel- I feel too much. I'm scared to ask God to break my heart for what breaks his because when he does it cripples me. There must be a way I can draw my strength from Him- to be stronger. I've experienced pain and heartbreak, and I know I can withstand it, but I love too deeply too quickly and that leads to so much pain. I don't know how I'll deal with saying goodbye to these people- I love them all, even those I had trouble with at first- but I know God will be my strength, and I know he will send people into my life in their stead- he won't leave me here alone.

Exam Day!

I have my sociology exam today.

I'm sure it'll be fine- first year exam, can't really go wrong can it? But I'm still a little nervous. Tomorrow I have law, which is way more cause for concern. Unfortunately my life kind of revolves around studying at the moment, so there isn't very much worthwhile to say.

I'm a little worried about the weather, as the snow at home means I might be stuck here for a while, but I guess God's will is in that- I'm in no hurry to get back, I'll go when I'm sent. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my lovely American friends when I do go, so I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not sure what I'll do without the Amys!! I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

More later- must study!!

God Bless x

Procrastination: A Guide

1. You need to eat before you can concentrate. Go to the kitchen and make a nourishing (read time-consuming) meal
2. No food in? Go to the shop. 
3. You have to shower, otherwise you're gross. Doesn't matter if you're leaving you're room any time soon or not.
4. One or two YouTube videos never hurt anyone. Don't be too hard on yourself.
5. You need to check Facebook regularly- other people are studying too, and you need to know how they are getting on.
6. Checking your email frequently is equally important- what if some information about the exam comes through?
7. The other people you live with need moral support at this time. Be sure to go talk to them a lot.
8. Make sure you take regular breaks. Staring into space helps focus your mind.
9. You can't study in a messy environment- you need to clean your room before you start. Haven't cleaned it all semester? All the more reason to start now.
10. If all else fails, make a blog about procrastination.

Productivity

I'm going to give blood today.

I can't stand needles, but I think it's really important to do it anyway. I haven't been allowed the last few times, because of my tattoo and because I've been unwell. I hope it goes better than the last time I actually was allowed! I got really giddy and nearly passed out.

I'm determined to be productive today. I have already handed in an essay and posted two letters- it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's more than I usually do. That's probably why I'm so tired all the time!! I need to get out and do things. I guess right now though my priority has to be getting my head in my books and preparing for my exams. I need to be careful though- I have a history of being much too hard on myself at exam time.

God Bless x

Edinburgh

Today was a good day.

I have been feeling pretty low lately, understandably I suppose, with everything going on, but it was so nice to just get away today. I took Amy and her sister Sarah to Edinburgh for the day, where we went to the castle, the museum, and the parliament...and also...dun dun dun!...the café where JK Rowling started writing Harry Potter. So my life is awesome. 

The café where Harry Potter was written

But seriously, it's always nice to go home, and I love it there so so so much. It dramatically improved my mood!! I now badly need to focus on both studying- of which I am most definitely not doing enough- and talking to God. When I'm not feeling great, I find it hard to be honest with God, so have a tendency to resort to shutting Him out entirely.

Whilst this used to lead to total breakdown of communication, I'm not in a place where I'm not willing to let that happen. BUT what I do instead is find myself in a reluctant kind of half-relationship where I feel guilty when I think about God, so I try not to think about Him, but I know I need to talk to Him, so I do a little, but then I feel crappy again- and the spiral continues. I must not let myself get back down that spiral. I could do with a little support right now!! Starting to wish I had more Christian friends to talk to down here. 

A quote of Amy's from our wonderful day together...

I was reminded today though that I do have Amy. Even if sometimes I'm too stressy to deal with everything, she understands in a way others don't, since she believes too. That's more comfort than I think she knows.

God Bless x

Freedom...To Work

My final assignment for the semester is complete!! It's a good feeling, knowing that I have no more essays to hand in- and thankfully my grasp on Free Will means that hopefully my lack of actually attending lectures won't show!! Philosophy has been hard work and I don't know if I'll take it again after Christmas, but for now at least it's over. Now all I need to do is tackle the mountains of work I have for Sociology and Law before the exams- easier said than done!! 

Studying

It's so hard to focus when you have things on your mind!!

I'm really struggling to be kind and helpful right now. It's so easy with exams coming up to forget that people have other problems. I'm finding study really tricky- I guess being out of it for so long hasn't helped my cause. But when I sit down to study I'm finding it so hard to focus, and the people around me just aren't as bothered about it as me- and they seem to think that I should be more concerned with other "stuff" that's going on. I don't want people to think I'm just "over it" when it comes to their problems- but to a certain extent I am.

I'm tired. I'm ill. I have an unbelievable amount of work to do. And all I want is peace to do it. I shouldn't be having to lock my door and turn off my phone for that to happen. I need to regroup. Give all my worries over to God and ask Him to help me focus, and to balance getting my work done with showing love to the people around me. I need to get my priorities right, or this is all going to go wrong.

Shedd Tomorrow!!

I'm very much looking forward to seeing my Shedd family tomorrow morning. I need a little support! Even if it's just reassurance that I'm not hated by the family at large because Lewis and I broke up. I want to be a part of that family and I'm still on the outside of it. Being with Lewis made it much easier to be recognised and accepted. But- the show goes on as they say. Thankfully Lewis is away this weekend- as much as part of me wants to see him really badly, the sensible part knows that it will be beneficial for me to be able to worship and talk openly without the self-consciousness of knowing he's there. If was there he would be watching me as much as I would be watching him- and as always with us, our focus would be wrong.

I think they way that this weekend has turned out, in more aspects than one, it was a little gift from God for me. A reminder that with him in charge, everything will fall into place. As much as there are things I would like to change, particularly when I'm going back to Stirling, it's a lesson- if I can follow God's plan, everything will work out for the greater good in my life- the good that I cannot see if I am always searching for instantaneous satisfaction. The way things have gone, I will be back in time for church in Cornton tomorrow night. I would rather go to Worship Central to hear the session about Prophecy and Art, but God has other plans. Time to drop the attitude and learn some acceptance, possibly?

God Bless x

Home Again

I'm not very good at moving out. I stayed away for 3 weeks this time before I came home. I have to say though, that for someone with Absence Anxiety this is a huge challenge. When I'm not with my Mum, my brain processes that in the way that a "normal" brain processes the appropriate reaction to the death of the missing person. It's a battle but 3 weeks away is a lot for me. If it hadn't been for everything with Lewis I think I would have managed the 4 weeks I had planned to be away for, but I needed my Mum too badly to stay away any longer.

I'm at the worst I've been since the initial break up today. I was ok, but Lewis text me to check in and make sure I was ok today, and I couldn't handle it. I hope I wasn't too hard on him, but I need closure- we can't do the sort of broken up but not really thing where no one knows where they stand, and I know that the way both of us feel that would be far too easy to get into. He hasn't done anything to make me hate him or be angry, besides one choice comment on a public blog shared with our church, and in a way that makes it harder. It's almost like we've been cheated out of what should have been something wonderful.

God doesn't cheat us out of anything though. We're still young, and we have a lot ahead of us. What ever is in God's plan will come to fruition, there's no doubt about that. I will learn to trust God again. Only then can I learn to trust people. Maybe then I'll manage a functional relationship!! :P

God Bless x

Not Ok

I'm pretty good at pretending everything is ok. Unless people know me really well or I want them to know, they usually can't tell. But I'm not ok.

I feel so much- pain, confusion, one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. It's happened before- like there's a gate between me and how I really feel and if I let it through I'm going to collapse under the weight of it all. If I let God in, I have to admit how I feel. And I can't do that. I've lost someone really special to me, and now he's said some things I find hard to swallow- and I refuse to engage in a game of he said she said. I won't do it. That's not me. But it's about time I got real. I know I said that it would take me time to be able to process and work out where I am and be ready to discuss it, but I need to get it out.

I don't trust people. There are very few people in my life who I can be totally genuine with. And I feel let down. Like I let someone in and they didn't get how much that meant. People are human, they screw up. But I had my life planned. I knew what I wanted. And in one go it was all gone. I tried so hard to get back from it and I couldn't, and now I'm the bad guy. I'm the horrible girl who couldn't just try a little harder and make it work. But I did. I gave it everything /I had. It just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I never wanted it to be over, but I have nothing left to give. I can't be all he needs.

People got hurt. I lost more than just my boyfriend. I lost his family too. And all of my "real" friends were his friends first. And I'm scared they'll hate me now. All I know about people is that eventually they see through me. I'm not as nice as they thought, not as good as they thought, whatever. And then they're done with me. I can't feel like this. I'm exhausted.

I was on Tumblr just now, and I saw this:

And it broke me. Well and truly. I know what I need to do- I need to ask for forgiveness and work through this with God by my side. But that means embracing how I feel. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I need to be told I'm enough- and God is the only one with the authority for that.

Sometimes, things Suck

It's about time I updated this blog...I don't really want to but if I don't it defeats the purpose.

Boyfriend and I broke up last night. Things have been strained for a while, and the reasons for that will be kept between him and I, but it was extremely difficult to come to the decision we did.

It's hard because I care so very much for him, and all his family. We have so many friends in common and  things that we do together. Everything reminds me of how happy we were, but when it came to it God called me to honesty. I had to admit that things weren't the same, and that it was too hard to carry on. I hope very much that we can be friends, and I rely completely on God to get me through it.

I'm going back onto my "happy tablets" for a while, just so that I can cope a little better with all of the things going on at the moment. Whilst it may feel like a bit of a step back, I need to admit that it's difficult and do all I can to help myself. I pray for God's grace for both of us- maybe I can say more when it's not so raw.

God Bless.

Remembering

It's 3 years today since my Grandad died. Honestly, I try not to think too much about it most of the time. I loved him very much- he was always very supportive of my sister and I. He loved all of my cousins and is very much. He and my other Grandad died within 3 months of each other, both had cancer. It was a horrible time for all of us.

I was told once that it's selfish to want to keep holding onto someone when it's their time to die. Whilst I think that's a bit much, I can see where it comes from. God chooses the time for everyone. So how do we deal with things like cancer? I believe that god chooses for all of us to live into old age and die naturally.

But that's not the enemy's plan. He created things like cancer and accidents to damage us. To make us question God- both his sovereignty and his goodness.

All I know is that I'm on the other side of most of those questions. I've accepted that I don't have all the answers. I miss my grandads all the time. But God is in control. And the most important thing is that he makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him- even the things that weren't in the original plan.

Money Worries

So I decided it's time to stop ignoring my problems with money and actually do a budget and work out what I need. My pastor at home advised that this would help me, and that although it's good to trust God, I need to know what I'm asking for. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. 

So, my budget showed up a shortfall of £3000 between now and when I finish for summer in June. That's taking into account my student loan as it stands, not looking at the changes that I'm hoping are made to my bursary and loan- I'm still waiting for SAAS to come back to me on my appeal. It's been 5 months now. 

This was always going to be my challenge- to trust God when there doesn't seem to be an answer. I think the key is to take it a month at a time, and not to focus on how I can make ends meet. I know in my heart that I'm doing what God wants mew to do- now I just have to trust that he has a way of doing it. I gave up financial security when I decided to follow God's will, and it's hard not to look back on that with a little- not so much regret as just wishing I had a little more of that freedom.

God has a purpose. He has a plan for my life, and in some way or another this will serve it.

An Eventful Week

It's been a while since I have had time to write a blog- there has been so much going on! It seems that everyone on my floor had an accident or got ill at the same time. For the sake of some of their dignity, I won't name any names, but I don't think any of them would mind me sharing...

The Thursday past last week was one of the girls 18th birthdays, so all of us girls decided to have a night out at Fubar in town- not necessarily the nicest of clubs, but there's not a huge choice in Stirling. It's challenging being a part of what's going on on nights out without having a drink, but all in all the night went really well. I drove in, which meant that no one tried to persuade me to have a drink, something I always struggle to refuse- it makes me feel like I'm somehow not as "fun" as everyone else if I say no. Anyway, I stayed for a while, then left when everyone started to get too drunk for it to be fun for a sober person.

The lovely Fubar

I got home, got into bed, and my phone started to go and someone was banging at my door. They told me that one of the girls had got a stiletto through the foot. Being the only sober one in the flat, I ended up driving her half an hour to Larbert to the nearest hospital and staying there with her until around 5 in the morning while she had what I described as a "Jesus hole" in her foot glued up.

Whilst I would love to say this was the most dramatic event of the weekend, it only got worse from there. One of the other girls got a horrendous case of tonsilitis, so needed to go to the out of hours GP at the minor injuries unit on Saturday. This meant that I had to put off doing an essay due on Monday, but it wasn't the end of the world- we were only there for a few hours.

The hospital looks much less scary in the daylight

Things only got worse on Sunday. I got my essay finished in the afternoon, which was a huge relief as I had been procrastinating and did not want to do it at all- another blog on the joys of philosophy will follow! The others decided to have a drink in the evening, a quiet session which became terribly dramatic when my closest friend in the flat managed to drink enough to give herself alcohol poisoning. This resulted in yet another night in A&E and two days of feeling ill for the poor girl. She doesn't drink usually at home, and overestimated her own capacity- a mistake she will not make in a hurry again!

I guess I learned two things over the course of the weekend- both from people's reactions to me and both equally important. The first was that I can have fun and be a part of the fun even without having a drink in me- this is something I've had a lot of trouble accepting over the years. The second was that the way we behave can be a great witness to the people around us. By unflinchingly accepting the responsibility of taking people where they needed to go, I showed that there is something different about my life- and people have said so. Hopefully this is something I can continue.

Finding My Feet

I've just come back from my first service at Cornton Baptist Church. I enjoyed it- the church is small, the congregation a lot smaller than anywhere I've ever been before. The people seem lovely- more than one came up to me to say hello and have a chat. The small group of students seem very welcoming and friendly too, like the sort of people I could get on with.

The service was very structured and quite formal- not what I'm used to at Shedd, but much more like the Church of Scotland churches I was brought up in. The main thing is, the people seem nice and I'm looking forward to going back.

Visions

So I guess I omitted a pretty big piece of information about the time when I was ill at home. To shed a little light on the background to this, prophecy is something I have been praying into for a long time, and talking over with people I know take this kind of thing seriously. I'm not brave enough to even attempt to prophesy over another person, whether I know them or not, but with God's help I'm working on it.

I guess what got me thinking about prophecy properly in the first place was Mike Pilavachi's talk at Imagine Scotland this year. He put forward the idea that actually we should desire spiritual gifts, which is biblical- 1 Corinthians 14:1- Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy. To me, the idea that all I had to do was ask God for spiritual gifts was totally new- it never occured to me that people weren't born with the ability to use certain gifts, and as far as I was concerned before, mine was my voice. 

Mike Pilavachi speaking at Imagine earlier this year

Mike told us a story about a time when he was asked to sit with a man renowned for his gifting in prophecy and had absolutely no idea what to do. When the first couple came to them, he sat for a long, long time, and all that he could think of was a swear word in Greek, which was a terrible, derogatory thing to call a woman. He really didn't want to say it, but when he got up the courage, the woman broke down. It turned out her ex-husband had been Greek, and emotionally abusive. Even in front of other people he did not refer to her by her name, but rather by this terrible word. The lesson he shared, essentially, was that if you listen to God, however crazy it seems, he'll tell you what He wants people to hear.

And so, long story not so short, this idea really moved me and I feel prophecy is a gift God wants to share- but for now I'm comfortable just getting visions for me!! 

So, back to the original story, last Sunday night we had a Worship Central session at Shedd. Boyfriend convinced me to stay an extra day to go to it, and it was so incredibly beneficial. During a time of worship, I asked God to show me the plans he had for me, and what I saw was this (and I'm aware I have now crossed the line into crazy people territory, just bear with!!)-

So first I saw a city at night from above- then I saw the Wallace Monument behind that city, so ok it's Stirling. Then every person in the city who needs God lit up and shone like a yellow light, so the whole place was lit up with people. There was a concentration of light in one particular area, so ok now God's showing me where there is the greatest need for Him. Then, I was in Cornton (which I only know because I've driven through it like twice) and I was standing in front of the church there (which I've never seen in my life). Then the doors open, and a rush of water comes out, and there are people swimming in it- they circled around the people with the lights, who were then lifted up out of the water towards the sky. So at this point, I was confused and a little scared, but excited all the same. So I asked God what I need to do to bless Him, what He wants me to do- and then I was before Jesus. God told me to get on my knees, so I did (in real life too!) and Jesus anointed me with oil.

Cornton Baptist Church

So now everyone is thinking I'm mental, and that's fair enough- I might be!- but I'm so sure of God's promises and that what He tells us in the bible. He tells us that prophecy is real- and given the trouble I've been having finding a church to keep going to, this seems pretty clear to me. I guess all I can do is go there and see what happens. The thing about prophecy is it's not an exact science- it could well be that I didn't see what I thought I did, or I only saw what I wanted to see, or even that I misunderstood what I did see. But all I can do is pray into that, trust God and go forward.

Home Sweet Home (or something like it)

It feels so good to be back in Stirling!! And look at the wonderful view I was greeted with:

The View over the Loch on Campus

Autumn is most definitely my favourite time of year. The entire way from home to university I was treated to beauty as far as I could see. The colours are so rich and vibrant, and everything smells so nice- and that chill in the air gets me so excited for Christmas coming!! I really felt God telling me that the beauty I see now is just a taste of what's to come- and that's so exciting too! 

I went to Shedd for the morning service before coming back down the road today- and I'm so thankful. The teaching was so relevant. Our pastor was talking about the importance of relationship with people- not only Christians but also those we want to reach out to. The idea, of course, is that Jesus was so truly interested in the people he met, so genuine with them, and reached out to them in ways they understood- and we should do the same. There was some discussion on the importance of empathy, which is something I feel fairly gifted towards, but I need to get past my fear of putting myself out there if I really want to bond with people. 

Following on from that, coming back here was great. I just love talking to people, and that's all I've done since I got home. I've had a catch up with my best friend (who reads this so I have to say nice things about her)which was great as we haven't seen a lot of each other lately. Moving in and starting a new semester and meeting flat mates all takes up so much time!! It was so nice to just relax, and to talk for the sake of it. Then I went out for a walk with some of my flat mates so that we could enjoy some of what autumn is bringing- one of them is from California so Autumn is a totally new concept to her. Watching how excited it makes her is genuinely lovely. 

The other side of the loch

I guess what I've taken from today is that God has so much in store for me here- there is so much to be seen and experienced, so many new people to meet, and of course the value of steadfast friends when so much is changing.God uses everything to teach us a little about himself.

Looking Up...

God Listens

Since my post yesterday, my mood gradually deteriorated. By last night, I found myself feeling terrible- lonely, not heard, and ill. I called out to God, telling him how rotten I was feeling and sharing everything that was on my mind. My biggest problem, as I mentioned yesterday, was that boyfriend wasn't listening to me. Already lonely, the feeling that he was uninterested in anything I had going on had me frustrated, but mostly worried and sad.

But after I chatted to God for a while, I got a text from one of the young adults from Shedd asking how I was. So I told her the truth, which is not something I would usually feel comfortable with, and after talking to her for a while I felt much better.

Later on, boyfriend managed to get 20 minutes to call me, which meant more than I think he realised. He's still very absorbed in what's going on with him, but it felt better to have spoken to him. I don't think he sees how he's behaving, but I'm sure once he's back down to earth he'll come round. I feel much better about that now.

Feeling Poorly

Up To Date

Well I guess that's us up to the present day- time for the real blogging to start!! I hope the previous posts weren't too dull- I guess background is important.

So Where are we Now?

I still don't have a church in Stirling, and I have only been to the CU once. I did have a very exciting vision from God regarding which church to go to- but more on that once I've seen where it's going!! I'm missing a lot at the moment as I have had to go back home for a while. The Doctors diagnosed me with Whooping Cough, which is a highly contagious condition, so until I have completed a course of antibiotics I can't really stay in halls. 

It also means I can't sleep very well as the coughing is at it's worst at night time. I wake myself up coughing frequently. It's challenging to say the least. It seems like a small thing, but every time I try to sleep I find myself begging God for a little respite, and when I get no response, to be honest it's exhausting. 

Boyfriend is away this week, starting his discipleship course down in London. He's in a bit of an ivory tower, which I guess makes it hard for him to understand what's going on at home. I'm so glad he's encountering god so deeply and learning so, so much. It's hard though- my biggest fear is that by the end of this course he will be so "spiritual" that I'll feel like I'm falling behind. He has a tendency, as do we all, I suppose, to talk as if he is on rather a higher plain when he is feeling close to God, and unfortunately that can feel like a disinterested "get on with it and be more faithful" at times- although I know that's not how he means it. Today, I found myself in tears after telling him how hard I was finding things and getting a rather impersonal response.

Of course it doesn't help that I'm feeling particularly fragile as it is, having been sent away by my flatmates and unable to get any real rest. I will need to work through my fears of being outgrown, and my hatred of perceiving someone to be patronising me. He doesn't mean to, but it's not going to be easy to take it on the chin. I guess I need to ask God to help me find ways to deal with it. Years ago, when we were just friends, I had a huge problem with boyfriend in that he tried to "fix" everything with a simple solution and spoke down to me a lot- in my mind, I see that coming back as he learns more about spirituality and discipleship. I would like to think that's not all on my side, but it's definitely something I need God's help with.

All in all, things aren't too great right now. Hoping for an improvement in things once I speak to my Doctor tomorrow, at least in terms of the illness.

God Bless x

Old Habits Die Hard

It's natural when facing a new situation to try to blend in. It's human nature- a side effect to free will, if you like. For me, when I was far from God I would have a lot to drink. It was my way of fitting in to my group of friends, of disguising myself in the crowds. That was something I swore to myself I wouldn't go back to- it was a dark place, being someone I wasn't and always feeling a little at odds with who I really am.

Using drinking as a way to fit in has never been a healthy way to make friends- or indeed a way to create and sustain lasting relationships with people. The "honesty" that emerges when I drink has tended to be detrimental rather than helpful, and as someone who remembers every detail the morning after, it can be both embarrassing to look back on, and disappointing when conversations or goings-on are not remembered by all those involved.

Unfortunately, a couple of weeks into my stay in halls, I had stopped talking to God and decided the way to heal the distance I felt between me and my flat mates was to get drunk with them- old habits die hard, as they say. I decided I was fine with it and that there was nothing wrong with it, refusing to acknowledge that the distance I was feeling was between me and god, which was in turn causing distance between me and boyfriend. We were already struggling, not dealing with the distance well and arguing a lot. Luckily for me, the error of my ways was highlighted fairly quickly, and the remainder of my alcohol swiftly disposed of.

I'm not saying it's totally wrong for any Christian, or anyone at all for that matter, to drink. It's just wrong for me. It separates me from God because it is a reminder of a past he has redeemed me from. Of course there are issues from that past which I still need to seek forgiveness from, and deal with through prayer and bible study. Essentially, I need to work on calling out to God in times of trouble and worry rather than pulling away and drawing on my own strength, or boyfriend's, to see me over. To that effect, we have agreed that neither of us will drink if one of us can't. It's a far better incentive to me than the nagging I got before, but bless him he's always trying his best to protect me. I guess we both need to learn that that is God's job. By the grace of God I will carry on- and hopefully there won't be a next time.

God Bless x

Moving In

Culture Shock

My new home was very, very different to what I was used to. Even after a month, there's some adjusting to do. There were practical things to think about, such as finding cupboard space in the kitchen and fitting all of my things into my little room, as well as the rest. My mum helped me to move in, which must have been hard for her. We have always been close, and her leaving was challenging. I called my best friend straight away so that she could cheer me up- in retrospect I should have turned to God and that's where I started to fall down. 

My New Home

My room is very small compared to my room at home, and sharing cooking space is something I struggle with. I have taken to eating at erratic times simply to guarantee peace to cook! This is something I will have to work through, with God's help of course, as I miss a great deal of opportunities to talk to my flat mates by keeping to my room as much as possible. This is something I have worked on since moving in, and I sit in the kitchen much more often now than at first. 

New Friends

Gradually over the next few days I started to meet the people I'm to live with this year. A lot of them are exchange students, mostly in their third year of study in the USA, so my fears of being the oldest there and not fitting in were largely unfounded. I believe that this was by God's grace as it was something that I had a lot of worries about. They proved to be lovely- and a few share my faith, which is such a huge support, although not something we openly discuss as yet. 

Me with one of my lovely new flatmates

There have been the usual issues over keeping the kitchen tidy, noise levels and such like, but nothing major so far. I can only thanks God for putting me with such a nice group of people- though I rarely dislike anyone, I am not the most patient of people, nor I suppose the easiest to live with due to my (at times erratic) mood changes and constant need to please everyone, which I have learned over the years can be irritating.

I have found it tricky to socialise in such a large group, and it wasn't until some opportunities for one-on-one time presented themselves that I made any true friends. For the first week, it was a very lonely place to be. I stopped talking to God as much as I should have, and desperately wanted to fit in. Because of that, I fell back into old habits- but more on that later. Within 3 days I came home for the night to see my family and boyfriend. 

Lessons

sharing my space is an ongoing challenge for me- particularly in light of the noise levels and amount of drinking that goes on sometimes. I think this is something I will need to lay before God and accept that I cannot change- all I can change is how I deal with the environment, and for that I need God's grace and the power only He has to change my heart.

God Bless x

Leaving Home

One of the huge challenges for anyone moving onto campus for their studies is leaving home. This is something I was particularly dreading as I am very close with my family, and have a niece who is only just 2. I live in the beautiful town of Stonehaven with my Mum and Dad, and my sister lives just up the road with my niece. Saying goodbye to her was something that required a great deal of strength. Through this situation, God is bringing me to a place of total reliance on Him. I had to leave all my safety nets behind me in order to carry out His plans for me- that was not an easy thing to do.

The town of Stonehaven

The other people who I found it difficult to leave were the Young Adults at my home church, Sheddocksley (fondly known as The Shedd). They have held me faithfully in their prayers both in the lead up to the big move, and since. For the first time in a long time, this group of people makes me feel safe and comfortable. They are a huge encouragement to me, and without their love and prayers I believe this journey would be much, much harder. They have supported me, and spoken words of love and truth over me from the minute I waked through the door. I truly believe that God puts people in our lives during the seasons that we need them- and I pray that I can be as much of an encouragement to them as they have been to me. 

Obviously, one of the hardest things to do was discuss with my boyfriend the potential of doing the long distance thing. Although we genuinely believe that God's plan is for us to be together, the timing hasn't been ideal. It's been hard work for both of us- but more on that later.

For others in a similiar situation, I would say that the best thing to do is dwell on God's plan for you. For me, the verse that stuck with me throughout was Jeremiah 29:11;

"For I alone know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to bring about a hope and a future."

Obviously, this is much more easy to say than it is to do, and I could have handled the situation with a great deal more grace than I did- but then when so we not fall short? I find comfort in the knowledge that God's grace is eternal and his mercies are new every morning. 

God Bless x

Decisions, Decisions.

Where was I?

When I left the University of Aberdeen, it was always with the intention of returning to tertiary education within a year. Unfortunately, I allowed Satan the chance to get into my head in that time, and left the church I was attending. During this time I was far from God, and ignoring his plans for me.

By His grace, I had a good job with an oil company which allowed me the resources needed to learn to drive and make savings. Due to my refusal to listen to His plans, however, I almost accepted an offer to stay there indefinitely. I got comfortable, I enjoyed having money and feeling secure, regardless of the state of my relationships. Looking back, I was not as happy as I thought I was.

GE Dinner Dance- May 2012

In retrospect I know that there was always going to come a point where God made me choose between His plans for me and being financially secure. This year is going to be a huge challenge for me in terms of the amount of money I have- as I had no intention of returning to uni for the majority of the year, I saved very little of the money I made at GE. God has told me many times, through many people, that I will get through it if I trust in Him to provide for me.

Realisation

The realisation of what I truly needed to do came through talking to a good friend of mine. For a long time I have trusted her judgement- she has a heart for God and has been a sort of mentor to me over many years. I toiled over the decision for a long time. The light for me was being told that God puts His desires in your heart if you ask Him to. So I did. And it turned out that the true desire of my heart was to get back into my studies.

I talked over all of my issues with this friend- the demons that plagued me, the visions and nightmares and feeling of being so, so far from God. The state my relationships were in. I had attempted to read a book- "Let the Healing Begin"- a good one if you can get your hands on it- and had come to a point where the advice was to visualise the door in Revelation 3:20, and open it to Jesus.

But when I opened the door, there were terrible things behind it, manifestations of all my fears- so I shut it again.


Difficulties

Once I made the decision to follow God's will instead of my own, the attacks only grew. It was my boyfriend, at the time my best friend, and his mum, who first pointed out that I may need to face these attacks head on an tell Satan and his minions to leave me be. This has never been an area of my faith that I have been comfortable exploring. I had a bad experience with a presence of some kind when I was younger, and it left me terrified. What has been shown to me though, is that all these presences bring to me is fear- there is nothing to fear, only fear itself. Through reading God's word, and praying with others, I have come close to conquering this fear- I trust God more now than I ever have before.

The Start of the Journey

The decision that I was to leave was hard to make- but it was only the beginning. I depend on God for my comfort, and my sanity some days! I'll explore more of those challenges later...

God Bless x