I feel so much- pain, confusion, one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. It's happened before- like there's a gate between me and how I really feel and if I let it through I'm going to collapse under the weight of it all. If I let God in, I have to admit how I feel. And I can't do that. I've lost someone really special to me, and now he's said some things I find hard to swallow- and I refuse to engage in a game of he said she said. I won't do it. That's not me. But it's about time I got real. I know I said that it would take me time to be able to process and work out where I am and be ready to discuss it, but I need to get it out.
I don't trust people. There are very few people in my life who I can be totally genuine with. And I feel let down. Like I let someone in and they didn't get how much that meant. People are human, they screw up. But I had my life planned. I knew what I wanted. And in one go it was all gone. I tried so hard to get back from it and I couldn't, and now I'm the bad guy. I'm the horrible girl who couldn't just try a little harder and make it work. But I did. I gave it everything /I had. It just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I never wanted it to be over, but I have nothing left to give. I can't be all he needs.
People got hurt. I lost more than just my boyfriend. I lost his family too. And all of my "real" friends were his friends first. And I'm scared they'll hate me now. All I know about people is that eventually they see through me. I'm not as nice as they thought, not as good as they thought, whatever. And then they're done with me. I can't feel like this. I'm exhausted.
I was on Tumblr just now, and I saw this:
And it broke me. Well and truly. I know what I need to do- I need to ask for forgiveness and work through this with God by my side. But that means embracing how I feel. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I need to be told I'm enough- and God is the only one with the authority for that.
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