Brilliant

It's a beautiful day! About to go hit the gym, but before I do, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.

It's hard when things start to come to an end, and we see this finality coming and want to avoid it. For me, the semester coming to an end marks a farewell to some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. But if we take the opportunity that is presented to us, with God we can use these times to re-evaluate and see how far we have come.

For me personally, I have come incredibly far in the past year. My life has turned 360 degrees. I am so in love with the Lord and with life, in a way I never thought I would be. This morning for the first time, I used the gift of prophecy intentionally to speak over a close friend, and was just so incredibly blessed that God used me to speak to her in that way. It is the most incredible feeling there is, just to hear God speaking over someone and feel His love for them radiate through you. Of course it's not my place to even hint at what the Lord had to say to her, but I am so incredibly blessed that God is willing to use someone as sinful as me to bring light to others. 

I'm fighting hard to be a better person, and I think that my feeling inferior to other believers is something that I can overcome with the help of the Lord. I am not a "holy" person. But the truth is, not one of us truly is and the Lord is willing to use every one of us to complete His plan and His vision.

I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the CU, and pray that even after my dear friends leave me I would not be afraid to go alone and make some new friends. God has been using the people around me to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone recently, and scary as it is at the time, long may it continue. I have experienced so much that I would never have seen sitting alone in my room. 

At the risk of rambling, I'll leave it there for today, but just know how loved you are. Life is good. God is brilliant.

Fear

Really got a lot from today's devotional's snippet on faith in the face of fear- it seems particularly relevant in the wake of the disasters in America and world wide last week. It can be so hard to admit that we feel afraid, and this is a great encouragement, pointing out to us that we do not achieve anything by denying fear, instead we must accept it and conquer it through faith in the one for whom nothing is impossible.

Personally, feeling pretty good- we had a great event on Sat evening called Encounter, for young adults, in Stirling. Really felt God moving for the first time in a long time (def the first time since the doc put me on the pills- a huge relief!), and felt really encouraged to embrace God's gifts- both spiritual and practical- stop hiding the light beneath a bushel kind of thing. 

Had some challenging words from a good friend r.e. gossiping an falseness- hard to hear the truth sometimes! But thankfully spoken in love and avoided an argument over it- hard to accept when someone is right in these circumstances, but important spiritual growth I think!

Missing home dearly, especially my little niece, and the comfort of knowing I have somewhere to live whether the money comes in or not! I appreciate the ongoing prayer of those around me regarding my finances as things are particularly tight at the moment, although I trust God completely this can be quite daunting!! 

Really encouraged by Romans 8:37 today- 

                No! In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

Blessings! x

Baptism

I finally took the plunge!!

On Sunday, I was baptised in Shedd, surrounded by so many wonderful friends. Seven of my flatmates, plus my bestie, all came home with me to be at the service, and I've never felt so blessed- to be surrounded by my amazing Shedd family, and my amazing new family, all in one place!! It was a strange combination, but I feel so, so lucky.

My mum and dad made such a huge effort to make my friends welcome, and I can't thank them enough- they did so much for us! And the guys came so far just to be there for me- it's incredible. I'm all gushy just now because I feel so incredibly blessed and happy. I can't even put it into words.

I can't bear to think about these guys leaving- I want to live with them forever. They're my family. If any of you read this- Karen, Chloé, Paaaaaaige, Pete, TJ, Katie, Angela- I love you guys so much, and I'm so thankful that you shared that with me. I'll never forget it. 

A more insightful post may be forthcoming when my head is a little calmer- but for now, thank you God.

Introductions

I haven't yet shared how blessed I have been this semester with wonderful new friends. The people I now live with are amazing. Of course I miss my girls- don't get mad at me!!- but the new bunch are equally fantastic.

Left to right, this is Paige, me, Pete and Chloé on the shore of Loch Lomond. We all went up there for a day out at the weekend. Paige is an American- from Arizona,  to be precise. She is hilarious, adorable, and I'm sure she won't mind me saying, a total nerd. Pete, in the middle, is from Maine and is the tallest man in the known universe (in my opinion). My niece is terrified of him. He puts up with a whole lot of stick from us- ALL the time. We steal his stuff, make fun of everything he says, and just generally annoy him all the time. Maybe a more accurate descriptor would be the most patient man in the known universe. Then there's Chloé on the right- she's from Tulle, in France. She has an incredible sense of humour and has taught us a lot of rather inappropriate expressions in French!! She's very French, and we take the mick out of her for it constantly. She is planning to stay here in the UK if it's at all possible. 

The only one not in this picture is Karen, from Kerry in the Republic of Ireland.  

Karen and I have a...special kind of friendship, which consists of fannying about the place constantly and rarely doing anything productive at all. We have a lot in common, ad clicked pretty much straight away. 

All in all, I'm so very blessed this semester- we have quite the little family!! We rarely get anything done, but we sure have a lot of fun in the process. I'm so grateful to God for having given them to me, even if only for a short while- but let's not think about that yet!! 

So now, hopefully you'll know who I'm talking about next time I start rambling!

Getting Closer!!

The week is finally here- my baptism is on Sunday!! And amongst all the nerves, anticipation and organisation, it's so easy to lose focus and get caught up in details. I'm finding I need a little time to find my rest in God- not easy when I also have exams and assignments to worry about!! 

Dear God,

I pray that you bless me with calm this week. I thank you for the amazing life you have given me, and for the opportunity to stand up before your people and share what you have done for me. I pray that you would be with everyone who attends that service, keeping those I care about safe and well. 

Thank you that I have such wonderful friends willing to go so very far to support me, especially those who do not believe in the same things as I do. Thank you that they are willing to sacrifice their pride to support me. 

Thank you for the young adults who will be there supporting me also, and blessing me always with their love and friendship. Thank you that I have Linda to stand along side me as we take this step together. Be with her also this week, calming any nerves she may have. Give her the confidence to embrace this step and speak aloud of all you have done. I pray the same over myself at this time, Lord. We are nothing without you.

In Jesus Name,
Amen.

And so it begins...

The new students have began to arrive...

So far we have two boys, both from the same school in Wisconsin. One of them for sure is a Christian, which is good news for me! It's nice knowing there's someone else going about and you're not the only weirdo on the floor! (Joking, of course, but you get my drift). They both seem nice, and we also discovered there are other permanent students staying at the other side of the floor! How we managed a whole semester without knowing they were there is beyond me.

Generally, it's less lonely now that there are definitely people out there! And we managed to have a decent conversation about church and baptism and all of that kind of stuff with the girls who already live here last night which can only be a good thing.

It's funny how these things happen- I had spent the day hoping and praying for another Christian to arrive at some point, and the same day, into the kitchen walks a guy wearing a 1 million for Jesus t-shirt who wants to be a youth pastor- I don't know about you, but I don't believe in coincidence- God really does hear us when we call! 

In other news, SAAS came through today and I should get 3 weeks worth of Boots pay tomorrow, so things are looking up on the money front. The lady at residential services said just to come in with cash here and there to pay off my December rent- even if it's only £20 or whatever at a time. So that's a bonus. I really do believe that God will provide for me this year, but I need strength to keep believing it every time things go wrong. I've learned this week that provided I have food in, I don't actually need to be spending money- I haven't spent a penny since Monday, and I haven't wanted for anything. I also may be able to get work as a telephone fundraiser or student ambassador which would be perfect as it would only be during the semester, so prayers for that would be appreciated!

All in all, today is a good day. I'm off to step class with the girl across the hall now- pray I survive that and the rest of the day will be great!!

Blessings x

Last day at Home

Today is my last day at home. Lots of packing and organising to do!! But first, I have to go to Shedd for the morning service and see everyone there before I go. I'm on Sunday club too. Busy bee!!

I think today will be a good day. I have worked out that I will be able to pay my February rent, yey! Now I need to work out how to pay the December rent I'm owe, and the rest of it when it comes- but I'm sure God is dealing with it. As much as I wish someone would just come and hand me a cheque, I know I can survive if I trust God.

In other news, the goss on the new roommates is that they are all boys. I guess that makes sense since last time they were all girls but I'm not sure how I feel about it!! I guess we will have to wait and see what they are like! Praying that God has some good things lined up for me this semester. Let's face it, whoever moves in, they won't be these guys:

Blessings x

Exciting News

There's good news, and there's bad news. It's always better to end on a high, so firstly, I heard back from SAAS today and they are not going to reassess my loan and bursary. This means I cannot afford to pay my rent, or living costs at all for that matter, from here on in, so I am leaning on God more than ever in this department. There really is no money. It's not what I want to be thinking of or concerned with, but there it is. I'm a bit lost on how to deal with it. Please do pray if you would- it's a scary situation.

The good news, however, is very very exciting!! I had a meeting last night with Stephen, our pastor at Shedd, and set a date for my baptism- Linda and I will be baptised together on March 17th. I can't wait!! It's such a great thing to happen in my life. A chance to make a chance, to publicly renounce the way I have behaved in the past and start fresh.

There are plenty of practicalities along with baptism, not least deciding what to say when the time comes!! I guess I'll worry about that when I have my peace and quiet in my room back, and unlimited time to get it done. I also have to choose someone to be waiting with my towel when I get out. That's as hard I think. I want it to be Amy!! But she's very very far away unfortunately. Besides that, I do have some very good friends at Shedd. There are three people I'd like to ask so I just have to choose one- one is ruled out by gender, since I need someone to come into the ladies with me!!

I'll have to do lots of praying about this one I think. I can't wait!!!!

Blessings at New Year

In our rush to encounter all of what the new year has to offer, we often forget to count our blessings. I do it all the time- so I've put together a list of all of the wonderful things that happened to me this year as a reminder to myself.

I moved to Stirling this year. I have experienced living by myself, and grown up a lot as a result. I love being self-sufficient- God has shown me that I am much more capable than I believed. He has also taught me the value of relying on Him- I do not have all the answers, and I never have any money, but by His grace I will survive.

 I joined Shedd. God led me to the most wonderful church I could imagine this year, at the time when I needed it most. I love every single one of the friends I have made there, and the old friends I have been blessed to reconnect with. Shedd is about family, and I am blessed beyond words to be a part of theirs.

I met my beautiful Americans. I have been blessed beyond words in meeting some of the most wonderful people this year- and my life is richer for it. Living with other people is challenging, but there is no one I would rather have experienced it with. I miss them every day, but I thank God that I got to spend the time I did with them, and that I may yet see America for myself!!

I spent time working out in the real world. I got to experience a little of what real adult life is like this year- and meet some fabulous people. I'm so grateful to God for the opportunity- and it helped me to see that a "normal" job will never be for me, revealing another piece of the future I'm trying to see for myself.

I was able to take a holiday with Shelley. Visiting Loch Lomond was a fantastic experience- and I found my favourite place in the world! On top of that, because God is an extravagant God, the very place I fell in love with is only half an hour from where I now live, and I can go there whenever I need to get away.

There have been many, many more blessings, large and small, in my life this year. Sometimes it feels unfair that so many of them are now past and memory- but I do well to remember that what God gives, God takes away. Life is short, and I intend to make the most of it. I believe that I will see my friends again some day, if God wills it, and maybe I will have the opportunity to see more of the world than I ever imagined. 

I leave you with one thought to cling to this New Year- Earth is and will always be the most common place of miracles.

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

A Change of Heart

Excited!!

I'm feeling really close to God at the moment, as I mentioned in my last post. I have been reading another John Elderedge book- every time I read one it seems to change how I see God completely- and always just in the way I need. The last one I read totally changed the way I see Jesus. This time it's Waking the Dead. It's all about God's desire to see us come alive as we were intended to be. The key message is that the glory of God is in man fully alive. It's a difficult message to understand- it's one that has to be received rather than explained and it took me quite some time to get there- but it changes everything. Literally everything. The idea that my living life fully alive brings glory to the Lord- was the purpose of Jesus' coming- has fired up my soul. 

Alive

It's given me a confidence that has been lacking recently. One that I found at Imagine this year, but lost somewhere along the way, in all the relationship drama and other nonsense since summer. It's been stolen by the enemy in the course of my trying simply to live out each day- I have forgotten again what it means to be me. If my being fully alive is God's desire and glory, then alive I shall be. I feel alive. It's a change in me- a change I genuinely believe those close to me should be able to see. We forget that original glory came before original sin. God made us glorious- so being fully human, fully myself is actually a good thing. The best thing. 

I had a great chat with Amy about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. As Christians, we often face the idea that there is a certain way we ought to behave- especially, I find, as a young woman. I must be gentle, polite, calm and not imposing. Well God did not create me that way. I am not quiet. I am not gentle. I am loud, and happy, and I like to share what's going on with the people I love- not keep it to myself in the name of saving face. And that, my friends, is how God made me. I  have suppressed this on and off for a long, long time. I get attached to people quickly- but I show it slowly. I never want to be seen to be too much- for the fear that who I really am is, in fact, not enough. But what I have discovered is this- to fail to embrace the way you were created is to deny the glory of God in your heart. What we were actually discussing was swearing- an odd example, I know, and not something I advocate, although I have been known to use some choice words on occasion. Okay, much more than on occasion. For a long time, I swore like a sailor. Or more accurately, like a chef.

Experience

To explain where our discussion took us, I have to explain why it is that I swear, and what I believe about how we are created. I never used to swear- not ever. That was before I ended up working in a kitchen. By the time I had been there five years, speaking that way was normalised for me. It was just how we communicated- and it was noticed if you didn't. I have always sought to fit in- this, I think, is clear. But some habits are difficult to break. Here's the clincher. though- God has a plan for each of us. He puts us in certain places as we grow to prepare us for His great plan. There are people each of us will cross paths with, and those are the people we should communicate with, build relationship with, and share our lives with. If the best way to communicate with them is on their terms, well then God may well call us to fit into their world. That looks different depending on where we are, but if it's in His plan, it most certainly is not wrong. 

Please don't think that what I'm trying to do here is to justify one of my bad habits- it's something I acknowledge, and I genuinely believe I'm getting a lot better, by grace. God is changing my heart, and speaking that way no longer feels natural to me. What I'm really getting at is the heart of the issue- the heart of all of our issues. We are broken now- but we were created glorious. Jesus came to forgive us- but also to allow us to forgive ourselves, and most importantly, to make us whole again. To restore our hearts to glory. I am no longer afraid to stand out and be noticed, because I trust that in prayer and through a genuine change of my heart, God will have me noticed for the right reasons.

Doing Life

You are told constantly that there is a "Christian" way to behave, and to do life- but that's the problem. We are doing life- we are not living it.When we modify our behaviour- and do not ask and allow the Lord to modify our hearts- we deny God the chance make us whole- I deny Him the opportunity to make me fully me again. We are not called to sink into the shadows. We are called to bring light.

You and I need to embrace ourselves- I am me. No one can be more me than I- and I am just as God intended me to be. Life can destroy me, if I let it. Only God can make me glorious in the essence of who I was born to be. And that, my friends, is the most important thing I ever need to know.

Merry Christmas!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year again- Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I only got today off, but it's been a lovely day with the family! I managed to get off work in time to head to the Shedd family Christmas service last night- it was lovely. I love my Shedd family so much! For the first time in ages, I feel really close to God. I love this time of year and all it entails. Family time- love everywhere! Of course, it's tiring and takes a lot of work to make Christmas go well- but it's completely worth it on the day. This year, I had to make my gifts for people myself as I'm so very short of cash. It's taken a lot of the stress out- in recent years I've found myself resenting the consumerist side of Christmas, as I see more and more how the birth of Jesus has been turned into something so much more worldly. This year has been better- much less fuss all round. 

Unfortunately our town was hit with flooding two days ago- if you're reading this, please do say a prayer for those affected. Quite a large number of people in the street next to us have been displaced from their homes and have lost their presents as well as their other possessions. The picture below shows the street- the van on the left hand side was Dad's. We lost mum's car and the van- my car is the only one that survived. Sometimes I really do feel blessed. It was upsetting at the time, but we quickly saw how lightly we got off compared to others. 

The most important thing at this time of year is to remember the reason we celebrate. Jesus came to the world to make us whole and repair our relationship with the Father. And no matter what else happens- flooding, losing possessions, or any other disasters, that alone is is a reason for joy.

Finished!!!

Well, the semester is officially over. My last final is done and I am free to go home, or stay here, or basically do what I want. I've been desperate to get home all semester. But now...

Well, I don't need to get back for Lewis any more. I saw my mum at the weekend so she'll be fine for a few extra days, and my friends- well they're all here. And now I have to face the reality that when I leave on Saturday, I say good bye to most of them, kind of forever. Unless on the slim chance at some point in our lives we're visiting the countries each other live in, we won't ever hang out again. I know I'll see amy- that's not the same. I couldn't live without her for ever. But I like living with these people. I like what we have. And now everyone is going home- and they're not coming back.

After Christmas, we get an onslaught of new exchange students and go through the whole process of making friends all over again. It never occured to me to keep anyone at a distance, but it's starting to. I hate goodbyes. If we make friends with all the newbies, this has to happen again. I sometimes wish I was the sort of person who could detach myself. But I know in my heart that isn't what God wants for me. I read a quote this week from Andrea Gibson:

"A Doctor once told me I feel too much. I said, so does God. That's why you can see the Grand Canyon from the moon."

It's my greatest gift and my Achilles heel- I feel too much. I'm scared to ask God to break my heart for what breaks his because when he does it cripples me. There must be a way I can draw my strength from Him- to be stronger. I've experienced pain and heartbreak, and I know I can withstand it, but I love too deeply too quickly and that leads to so much pain. I don't know how I'll deal with saying goodbye to these people- I love them all, even those I had trouble with at first- but I know God will be my strength, and I know he will send people into my life in their stead- he won't leave me here alone.

Exam Day!

I have my sociology exam today.

I'm sure it'll be fine- first year exam, can't really go wrong can it? But I'm still a little nervous. Tomorrow I have law, which is way more cause for concern. Unfortunately my life kind of revolves around studying at the moment, so there isn't very much worthwhile to say.

I'm a little worried about the weather, as the snow at home means I might be stuck here for a while, but I guess God's will is in that- I'm in no hurry to get back, I'll go when I'm sent. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my lovely American friends when I do go, so I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not sure what I'll do without the Amys!! I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

More later- must study!!

God Bless x

Edinburgh

Today was a good day.

I have been feeling pretty low lately, understandably I suppose, with everything going on, but it was so nice to just get away today. I took Amy and her sister Sarah to Edinburgh for the day, where we went to the castle, the museum, and the parliament...and also...dun dun dun!...the café where JK Rowling started writing Harry Potter. So my life is awesome. 

The café where Harry Potter was written

But seriously, it's always nice to go home, and I love it there so so so much. It dramatically improved my mood!! I now badly need to focus on both studying- of which I am most definitely not doing enough- and talking to God. When I'm not feeling great, I find it hard to be honest with God, so have a tendency to resort to shutting Him out entirely.

Whilst this used to lead to total breakdown of communication, I'm not in a place where I'm not willing to let that happen. BUT what I do instead is find myself in a reluctant kind of half-relationship where I feel guilty when I think about God, so I try not to think about Him, but I know I need to talk to Him, so I do a little, but then I feel crappy again- and the spiral continues. I must not let myself get back down that spiral. I could do with a little support right now!! Starting to wish I had more Christian friends to talk to down here. 

A quote of Amy's from our wonderful day together...

I was reminded today though that I do have Amy. Even if sometimes I'm too stressy to deal with everything, she understands in a way others don't, since she believes too. That's more comfort than I think she knows.

God Bless x

Studying

It's so hard to focus when you have things on your mind!!

I'm really struggling to be kind and helpful right now. It's so easy with exams coming up to forget that people have other problems. I'm finding study really tricky- I guess being out of it for so long hasn't helped my cause. But when I sit down to study I'm finding it so hard to focus, and the people around me just aren't as bothered about it as me- and they seem to think that I should be more concerned with other "stuff" that's going on. I don't want people to think I'm just "over it" when it comes to their problems- but to a certain extent I am.

I'm tired. I'm ill. I have an unbelievable amount of work to do. And all I want is peace to do it. I shouldn't be having to lock my door and turn off my phone for that to happen. I need to regroup. Give all my worries over to God and ask Him to help me focus, and to balance getting my work done with showing love to the people around me. I need to get my priorities right, or this is all going to go wrong.

Shedd Tomorrow!!

I'm very much looking forward to seeing my Shedd family tomorrow morning. I need a little support! Even if it's just reassurance that I'm not hated by the family at large because Lewis and I broke up. I want to be a part of that family and I'm still on the outside of it. Being with Lewis made it much easier to be recognised and accepted. But- the show goes on as they say. Thankfully Lewis is away this weekend- as much as part of me wants to see him really badly, the sensible part knows that it will be beneficial for me to be able to worship and talk openly without the self-consciousness of knowing he's there. If was there he would be watching me as much as I would be watching him- and as always with us, our focus would be wrong.

I think they way that this weekend has turned out, in more aspects than one, it was a little gift from God for me. A reminder that with him in charge, everything will fall into place. As much as there are things I would like to change, particularly when I'm going back to Stirling, it's a lesson- if I can follow God's plan, everything will work out for the greater good in my life- the good that I cannot see if I am always searching for instantaneous satisfaction. The way things have gone, I will be back in time for church in Cornton tomorrow night. I would rather go to Worship Central to hear the session about Prophecy and Art, but God has other plans. Time to drop the attitude and learn some acceptance, possibly?

God Bless x

Not Ok

I'm pretty good at pretending everything is ok. Unless people know me really well or I want them to know, they usually can't tell. But I'm not ok.

I feel so much- pain, confusion, one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. It's happened before- like there's a gate between me and how I really feel and if I let it through I'm going to collapse under the weight of it all. If I let God in, I have to admit how I feel. And I can't do that. I've lost someone really special to me, and now he's said some things I find hard to swallow- and I refuse to engage in a game of he said she said. I won't do it. That's not me. But it's about time I got real. I know I said that it would take me time to be able to process and work out where I am and be ready to discuss it, but I need to get it out.

I don't trust people. There are very few people in my life who I can be totally genuine with. And I feel let down. Like I let someone in and they didn't get how much that meant. People are human, they screw up. But I had my life planned. I knew what I wanted. And in one go it was all gone. I tried so hard to get back from it and I couldn't, and now I'm the bad guy. I'm the horrible girl who couldn't just try a little harder and make it work. But I did. I gave it everything /I had. It just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I never wanted it to be over, but I have nothing left to give. I can't be all he needs.

People got hurt. I lost more than just my boyfriend. I lost his family too. And all of my "real" friends were his friends first. And I'm scared they'll hate me now. All I know about people is that eventually they see through me. I'm not as nice as they thought, not as good as they thought, whatever. And then they're done with me. I can't feel like this. I'm exhausted.

I was on Tumblr just now, and I saw this:

And it broke me. Well and truly. I know what I need to do- I need to ask for forgiveness and work through this with God by my side. But that means embracing how I feel. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I need to be told I'm enough- and God is the only one with the authority for that.

Sometimes, things Suck

It's about time I updated this blog...I don't really want to but if I don't it defeats the purpose.

Boyfriend and I broke up last night. Things have been strained for a while, and the reasons for that will be kept between him and I, but it was extremely difficult to come to the decision we did.

It's hard because I care so very much for him, and all his family. We have so many friends in common and  things that we do together. Everything reminds me of how happy we were, but when it came to it God called me to honesty. I had to admit that things weren't the same, and that it was too hard to carry on. I hope very much that we can be friends, and I rely completely on God to get me through it.

I'm going back onto my "happy tablets" for a while, just so that I can cope a little better with all of the things going on at the moment. Whilst it may feel like a bit of a step back, I need to admit that it's difficult and do all I can to help myself. I pray for God's grace for both of us- maybe I can say more when it's not so raw.

God Bless.

An Eventful Week

It's been a while since I have had time to write a blog- there has been so much going on! It seems that everyone on my floor had an accident or got ill at the same time. For the sake of some of their dignity, I won't name any names, but I don't think any of them would mind me sharing...

The Thursday past last week was one of the girls 18th birthdays, so all of us girls decided to have a night out at Fubar in town- not necessarily the nicest of clubs, but there's not a huge choice in Stirling. It's challenging being a part of what's going on on nights out without having a drink, but all in all the night went really well. I drove in, which meant that no one tried to persuade me to have a drink, something I always struggle to refuse- it makes me feel like I'm somehow not as "fun" as everyone else if I say no. Anyway, I stayed for a while, then left when everyone started to get too drunk for it to be fun for a sober person.

The lovely Fubar

I got home, got into bed, and my phone started to go and someone was banging at my door. They told me that one of the girls had got a stiletto through the foot. Being the only sober one in the flat, I ended up driving her half an hour to Larbert to the nearest hospital and staying there with her until around 5 in the morning while she had what I described as a "Jesus hole" in her foot glued up.

Whilst I would love to say this was the most dramatic event of the weekend, it only got worse from there. One of the other girls got a horrendous case of tonsilitis, so needed to go to the out of hours GP at the minor injuries unit on Saturday. This meant that I had to put off doing an essay due on Monday, but it wasn't the end of the world- we were only there for a few hours.

The hospital looks much less scary in the daylight

Things only got worse on Sunday. I got my essay finished in the afternoon, which was a huge relief as I had been procrastinating and did not want to do it at all- another blog on the joys of philosophy will follow! The others decided to have a drink in the evening, a quiet session which became terribly dramatic when my closest friend in the flat managed to drink enough to give herself alcohol poisoning. This resulted in yet another night in A&E and two days of feeling ill for the poor girl. She doesn't drink usually at home, and overestimated her own capacity- a mistake she will not make in a hurry again!

I guess I learned two things over the course of the weekend- both from people's reactions to me and both equally important. The first was that I can have fun and be a part of the fun even without having a drink in me- this is something I've had a lot of trouble accepting over the years. The second was that the way we behave can be a great witness to the people around us. By unflinchingly accepting the responsibility of taking people where they needed to go, I showed that there is something different about my life- and people have said so. Hopefully this is something I can continue.