Brilliant

It's a beautiful day! About to go hit the gym, but before I do, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.

It's hard when things start to come to an end, and we see this finality coming and want to avoid it. For me, the semester coming to an end marks a farewell to some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. But if we take the opportunity that is presented to us, with God we can use these times to re-evaluate and see how far we have come.

For me personally, I have come incredibly far in the past year. My life has turned 360 degrees. I am so in love with the Lord and with life, in a way I never thought I would be. This morning for the first time, I used the gift of prophecy intentionally to speak over a close friend, and was just so incredibly blessed that God used me to speak to her in that way. It is the most incredible feeling there is, just to hear God speaking over someone and feel His love for them radiate through you. Of course it's not my place to even hint at what the Lord had to say to her, but I am so incredibly blessed that God is willing to use someone as sinful as me to bring light to others. 

I'm fighting hard to be a better person, and I think that my feeling inferior to other believers is something that I can overcome with the help of the Lord. I am not a "holy" person. But the truth is, not one of us truly is and the Lord is willing to use every one of us to complete His plan and His vision.

I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the CU, and pray that even after my dear friends leave me I would not be afraid to go alone and make some new friends. God has been using the people around me to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone recently, and scary as it is at the time, long may it continue. I have experienced so much that I would never have seen sitting alone in my room. 

At the risk of rambling, I'll leave it there for today, but just know how loved you are. Life is good. God is brilliant.

Fear

Really got a lot from today's devotional's snippet on faith in the face of fear- it seems particularly relevant in the wake of the disasters in America and world wide last week. It can be so hard to admit that we feel afraid, and this is a great encouragement, pointing out to us that we do not achieve anything by denying fear, instead we must accept it and conquer it through faith in the one for whom nothing is impossible.

Personally, feeling pretty good- we had a great event on Sat evening called Encounter, for young adults, in Stirling. Really felt God moving for the first time in a long time (def the first time since the doc put me on the pills- a huge relief!), and felt really encouraged to embrace God's gifts- both spiritual and practical- stop hiding the light beneath a bushel kind of thing. 

Had some challenging words from a good friend r.e. gossiping an falseness- hard to hear the truth sometimes! But thankfully spoken in love and avoided an argument over it- hard to accept when someone is right in these circumstances, but important spiritual growth I think!

Missing home dearly, especially my little niece, and the comfort of knowing I have somewhere to live whether the money comes in or not! I appreciate the ongoing prayer of those around me regarding my finances as things are particularly tight at the moment, although I trust God completely this can be quite daunting!! 

Really encouraged by Romans 8:37 today- 

                No! In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

Blessings! x

Not Okay

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I embarked on this adventure trusting in God to provide for me, and now everything is going wrong at every turn. I have a month's rent due from December, which I'm being chased for, and another payment due in 2 weeks which I can't pay either. That kind of money doesn't fall out of the sky. I can't even afford to get back to Stirling on Monday right now. I'm just crying all the time, I don't know how God  can pull me out of this- I have trusted Him and believed all this time that things would work out, but right now I just can't see it. I'm devastated, and scared and confused.

I know that attacks happen, especially when you've made a big decision, like a commitment to baptism, but it's hard not to feel that God is holding out on me. I know that's not true, and all I need is a little perspective, but it's hard to come by at times like this.

If someone would pay me to blog, I'd be eternally grateful...but in all seriousness, please pray. I'm finding it hard to find the words myself.

God Bless.

Under Attack

I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm still super confused by life, but I think the fact that I am super crazy hormonal has a lot to do with it. The combination of the flat out crazy lady syndrome, and the fact that my hormones are messing with my sleep pattern, is enough to make anyone a little confused about life. 

In terms of my money woes, I faced a few more walls today- they are springing up everywhere no matter what I do or pray for- but I have had a sort of revelation. If you already knew something in your heart, just hadn't consciously acknowledged it, is that a revelation?? Anyway, going off-topic- qu'elle supris! I am reminded of Daniel, and His attempts to connect with God- when his angel finally arrived, he found out that God had sent an immediate response, but that the angel had been forced to battle satan's minions to reach him. 

The truth is, emails do not evaporate, and banks do not have this many problems in a typical situation. Things go wrong in everyone's life- regularly- but I do not believe in coincidence. For so many things to go wrong in the area that is my greatest weakness- the only thing that has the power to potentially stop me from finishing my degree and seeing out God's plan is no accident.

God has big plans for my life- I know that through listening to Him. But even if I was unsure of it, this attack is confirmation. There are big things ahead of me- things that Satan does not want to happen. There is a part of this world which God wants to see me change. It is time for me to power through in prayer, and accept God's hand on my life. 

We cannot, and should not, be flippant about spiritual attack- it is dangerous and frightening. I have stopped responding to the presence of pure fear through prayer and reading of the scriptures- but there are other ways to try to head me off, and I see that clearly now. The honest truth is that this kind of attack is affirming if we look at it through spiritual eyes- the enemy wants to stop God's work in me. That means that I'm being given something worth taking away. Hallelujah.

Inspiration

my tiny piece of inspiration for the day- because God reaches out to us when we are struggling, and in ways we do not expect.

I was looking for pictures to put on Enough to Eat (check it out here, it's my baby), when I just felt the words "They are not You" in my mind, over and over. I know the phrase, it's from One Tree Hill- Peyton drew this for Lucas in the early days. I always felt a connection to Peyton's character, and her artwork was something that stuck with me. This picture, the words, just speak to me right now. 

I feel God's calling on me at the moment, as though He has big plans, but I just have to keep pressing into it to find out what it is. It's related to my passions, to Tearfund, to Street Pastors, that I'm sure. I feel called to mission in the next few years also- to some real travel and experience. But it's a waiting game, and it feels like the time while I have to work and study like a regular person is dragging. 

I needed this message to break through my haze- they are not you. Everyone has their role to play and everyone's role is equally important. It's all in the Dead Poet's Society quote- "the human race is filled with passion. So medicine, law, business, engineering... these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for."

God has a life for me that is worth staying alive for. He knows what I need- and I have nothing to worry about.

They are not me.

Eleanor Elizabeth

Still feeling really close to God- which is great. I've had some really specific words over the last few days relating to names- two names in particular.

The first is Eleanor. Surprise- Eleanor means Sunlight, Ray of Sun. it also means compassion, and other, or foreign. All of these meanings speak to my heart,- Sunlight, obviously, is one that I have discussed a lot recently. Compassion is one of the character traits I am most proud of in myself, and the idea of being "other" to the world is one that should be important to all Christians.

The other word I received was this- "You are my Elizabeth." At the time I had been reading and thinking a great deal about the impact stories have on us. Jesus spoke to us mostly in story. Characters from stories often speak to us in ways that we cannot explain. For me, that character is Elizabeth Bennet. If you are an avid reader of Austen like I am, you will realise that Lizzie is the protagonist of the timeless Pride and Prejudice- my absolute favourite story of all time. 

God spoke to me through her character this week. You don't need to know her story to understand this. The things spoken over me were incredible- you chose to love in the wrong place- the enemy lied to you. It was not your fault. You are loved. You will get your happy ending- love comes from a place you do not expect. The traits that I adore in Lizzie- they can be seen in me. She is headstrong, she loves fiercely and will move mountains for those close to her. She is funny and strong and fun to be around. Can I really see all of that in who I am? It is a role which will take some growing in to!! But I am happy to be Elizabeth.

Of course, the Elizabeth in the bible is now playing on my mind too- I will let that one rest there and see what, if anything, comes of it. It turns out, embracing your glory is hard work!!

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

A Change of Heart

Excited!!

I'm feeling really close to God at the moment, as I mentioned in my last post. I have been reading another John Elderedge book- every time I read one it seems to change how I see God completely- and always just in the way I need. The last one I read totally changed the way I see Jesus. This time it's Waking the Dead. It's all about God's desire to see us come alive as we were intended to be. The key message is that the glory of God is in man fully alive. It's a difficult message to understand- it's one that has to be received rather than explained and it took me quite some time to get there- but it changes everything. Literally everything. The idea that my living life fully alive brings glory to the Lord- was the purpose of Jesus' coming- has fired up my soul. 

Alive

It's given me a confidence that has been lacking recently. One that I found at Imagine this year, but lost somewhere along the way, in all the relationship drama and other nonsense since summer. It's been stolen by the enemy in the course of my trying simply to live out each day- I have forgotten again what it means to be me. If my being fully alive is God's desire and glory, then alive I shall be. I feel alive. It's a change in me- a change I genuinely believe those close to me should be able to see. We forget that original glory came before original sin. God made us glorious- so being fully human, fully myself is actually a good thing. The best thing. 

I had a great chat with Amy about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. As Christians, we often face the idea that there is a certain way we ought to behave- especially, I find, as a young woman. I must be gentle, polite, calm and not imposing. Well God did not create me that way. I am not quiet. I am not gentle. I am loud, and happy, and I like to share what's going on with the people I love- not keep it to myself in the name of saving face. And that, my friends, is how God made me. I  have suppressed this on and off for a long, long time. I get attached to people quickly- but I show it slowly. I never want to be seen to be too much- for the fear that who I really am is, in fact, not enough. But what I have discovered is this- to fail to embrace the way you were created is to deny the glory of God in your heart. What we were actually discussing was swearing- an odd example, I know, and not something I advocate, although I have been known to use some choice words on occasion. Okay, much more than on occasion. For a long time, I swore like a sailor. Or more accurately, like a chef.

Experience

To explain where our discussion took us, I have to explain why it is that I swear, and what I believe about how we are created. I never used to swear- not ever. That was before I ended up working in a kitchen. By the time I had been there five years, speaking that way was normalised for me. It was just how we communicated- and it was noticed if you didn't. I have always sought to fit in- this, I think, is clear. But some habits are difficult to break. Here's the clincher. though- God has a plan for each of us. He puts us in certain places as we grow to prepare us for His great plan. There are people each of us will cross paths with, and those are the people we should communicate with, build relationship with, and share our lives with. If the best way to communicate with them is on their terms, well then God may well call us to fit into their world. That looks different depending on where we are, but if it's in His plan, it most certainly is not wrong. 

Please don't think that what I'm trying to do here is to justify one of my bad habits- it's something I acknowledge, and I genuinely believe I'm getting a lot better, by grace. God is changing my heart, and speaking that way no longer feels natural to me. What I'm really getting at is the heart of the issue- the heart of all of our issues. We are broken now- but we were created glorious. Jesus came to forgive us- but also to allow us to forgive ourselves, and most importantly, to make us whole again. To restore our hearts to glory. I am no longer afraid to stand out and be noticed, because I trust that in prayer and through a genuine change of my heart, God will have me noticed for the right reasons.

Doing Life

You are told constantly that there is a "Christian" way to behave, and to do life- but that's the problem. We are doing life- we are not living it.When we modify our behaviour- and do not ask and allow the Lord to modify our hearts- we deny God the chance make us whole- I deny Him the opportunity to make me fully me again. We are not called to sink into the shadows. We are called to bring light.

You and I need to embrace ourselves- I am me. No one can be more me than I- and I am just as God intended me to be. Life can destroy me, if I let it. Only God can make me glorious in the essence of who I was born to be. And that, my friends, is the most important thing I ever need to know.

Wreaking Havoc

Nature is a beautiful and terrible thing.

By the sea is one of my favourite places to be. When I am in Stirling I miss it awfully. It looks especially beautiful in winter, all whipped up. But last night a combination of a high tide and dreadful wind caused carnage here in Stonehaven. The seafront is devastated. Businesses and homes alike have been flooded, some near enough destroyed, by the sea. The boardwalk is torn up. The sea has ripped apart hundred year old walls as though they were nothing. 

It's truly awful to see. The sea, still beautiful, has not yet calmed. There is no use in a clean up operation until later on in the week when we can be sure the worst is over. 

This is a sad state, particularly when we remember that Stonehaven is famous for its New Year celebrations, and this year with the new look Open Air in the Square bringing in thousands from outside the town, the pressure is on to have this all cleaned up as quickly as possible.

It's a good reminder to me, of God's power. He chooses to be a true and loyal God, loving to the last and more beautiful than anything we can see or imagine. His power, though, should not be underestimated. Personally, I have always found the idea of fearing God, the God I know, a little difficult to understand. The situation in my hometown today has given me an insight into what that really means.