Brilliant

It's a beautiful day! About to go hit the gym, but before I do, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.

It's hard when things start to come to an end, and we see this finality coming and want to avoid it. For me, the semester coming to an end marks a farewell to some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. But if we take the opportunity that is presented to us, with God we can use these times to re-evaluate and see how far we have come.

For me personally, I have come incredibly far in the past year. My life has turned 360 degrees. I am so in love with the Lord and with life, in a way I never thought I would be. This morning for the first time, I used the gift of prophecy intentionally to speak over a close friend, and was just so incredibly blessed that God used me to speak to her in that way. It is the most incredible feeling there is, just to hear God speaking over someone and feel His love for them radiate through you. Of course it's not my place to even hint at what the Lord had to say to her, but I am so incredibly blessed that God is willing to use someone as sinful as me to bring light to others. 

I'm fighting hard to be a better person, and I think that my feeling inferior to other believers is something that I can overcome with the help of the Lord. I am not a "holy" person. But the truth is, not one of us truly is and the Lord is willing to use every one of us to complete His plan and His vision.

I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the CU, and pray that even after my dear friends leave me I would not be afraid to go alone and make some new friends. God has been using the people around me to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone recently, and scary as it is at the time, long may it continue. I have experienced so much that I would never have seen sitting alone in my room. 

At the risk of rambling, I'll leave it there for today, but just know how loved you are. Life is good. God is brilliant.

Exciting News

There's good news, and there's bad news. It's always better to end on a high, so firstly, I heard back from SAAS today and they are not going to reassess my loan and bursary. This means I cannot afford to pay my rent, or living costs at all for that matter, from here on in, so I am leaning on God more than ever in this department. There really is no money. It's not what I want to be thinking of or concerned with, but there it is. I'm a bit lost on how to deal with it. Please do pray if you would- it's a scary situation.

The good news, however, is very very exciting!! I had a meeting last night with Stephen, our pastor at Shedd, and set a date for my baptism- Linda and I will be baptised together on March 17th. I can't wait!! It's such a great thing to happen in my life. A chance to make a chance, to publicly renounce the way I have behaved in the past and start fresh.

There are plenty of practicalities along with baptism, not least deciding what to say when the time comes!! I guess I'll worry about that when I have my peace and quiet in my room back, and unlimited time to get it done. I also have to choose someone to be waiting with my towel when I get out. That's as hard I think. I want it to be Amy!! But she's very very far away unfortunately. Besides that, I do have some very good friends at Shedd. There are three people I'd like to ask so I just have to choose one- one is ruled out by gender, since I need someone to come into the ladies with me!!

I'll have to do lots of praying about this one I think. I can't wait!!!!

Inspiration

my tiny piece of inspiration for the day- because God reaches out to us when we are struggling, and in ways we do not expect.

I was looking for pictures to put on Enough to Eat (check it out here, it's my baby), when I just felt the words "They are not You" in my mind, over and over. I know the phrase, it's from One Tree Hill- Peyton drew this for Lucas in the early days. I always felt a connection to Peyton's character, and her artwork was something that stuck with me. This picture, the words, just speak to me right now. 

I feel God's calling on me at the moment, as though He has big plans, but I just have to keep pressing into it to find out what it is. It's related to my passions, to Tearfund, to Street Pastors, that I'm sure. I feel called to mission in the next few years also- to some real travel and experience. But it's a waiting game, and it feels like the time while I have to work and study like a regular person is dragging. 

I needed this message to break through my haze- they are not you. Everyone has their role to play and everyone's role is equally important. It's all in the Dead Poet's Society quote- "the human race is filled with passion. So medicine, law, business, engineering... these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for."

God has a life for me that is worth staying alive for. He knows what I need- and I have nothing to worry about.

They are not me.

Soul Vacations

I had the best day at work I've had yet today. Don't get me wrong, my feet still hurt and nothing different happened- I just had a bit of an attitude shift. Remembering that we can do anything that we do for God is important. I went in with an attitude of joy today. 

There are two important ways of changing that attitude. The first is to hold God's joy at all times- no matter what we would rather be doing. I have found a strabge thing since I started working at Boots- the people there like me. Normally when I start a new job, or anything new actually, I go in there quiet and shy and talk to as few people as possible. But I went in to Boots determined NOT to make any new friends, fresh from the loss of my beautiful Americans. Because of that, I didn't care what anyone thought of me so I was simply myself. They think I'm slightly crazy, I think, but everyone knows me by name (and it's a big store!), and says hello when they see me. I love it!

The second, and equally important thing, is to take a rest when you need it. A physical rest is all well and good- but I can't create extra time! Instead, I take a bath when I need a rest. Or I go somewhere beautiful. Or on my way to work, I bought a cooler from Costa. It's the little things- but it put me in a better mood which set me up right for the whole day.

Happy happy happy today!!

21 Years...

It is officially my 21st year of being alive. How exciting!! I have learned so much recently about the value of joy and of celebrating, that rather than make a list of rules for myself this New Year (which I will undoubtedly break very quickly!!) I am going to plan some ways in which to celebrate. When a company or group of any sort turns 21, they celebrate for the entire year- and Luke 12:27 tells me just how God views me- I am much more important to Him than any business! He cares about my heart- and He wants it to be filled with joy. So I vow to spend this year in celebration, thanking God that He gave me a life that has the potential to be full of joy and laughter. I haven't quite decided how yet- but here is how I plan, God willing, to make a start:

I will become more active in my church and CU in Stirling. I will find opportunities to serve God in my new home this year. I will do things that I enjoy!! I will pray into the things I would love to be doing for God- I think it's about time I started singing again- please God? I also plan to train for and join the Street Pastors- another way to celebrate the restorative power of my loving creator?

I will do more things that I enjoy. I rarely do anything purely for the sake of it- just for me. This year I will join societies and clubs which enjoy- it's time to get my confidence back and just give things a go. God willing, I will find things that I love, and inject a little joy back into my life.

I will stop saying no. I do not mean I will abandon all wisdom and render myself ridiculous- BUT I will try to let go of my tendency to refuse before a question is asked. I will experience more this year.

I will start y travelling fund. At 21 years old, it's time to stop saying I want to travel and start doing something about it- first stop California!! 

So, if you see me this year, and I don't seem very happy about life, remind me of this promise- I will live every day thanking God for the breath in my lungs, and start experiencing life. After all, I guess 21 is kind of...an adult?

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

A Change of Heart

Excited!!

I'm feeling really close to God at the moment, as I mentioned in my last post. I have been reading another John Elderedge book- every time I read one it seems to change how I see God completely- and always just in the way I need. The last one I read totally changed the way I see Jesus. This time it's Waking the Dead. It's all about God's desire to see us come alive as we were intended to be. The key message is that the glory of God is in man fully alive. It's a difficult message to understand- it's one that has to be received rather than explained and it took me quite some time to get there- but it changes everything. Literally everything. The idea that my living life fully alive brings glory to the Lord- was the purpose of Jesus' coming- has fired up my soul. 

Alive

It's given me a confidence that has been lacking recently. One that I found at Imagine this year, but lost somewhere along the way, in all the relationship drama and other nonsense since summer. It's been stolen by the enemy in the course of my trying simply to live out each day- I have forgotten again what it means to be me. If my being fully alive is God's desire and glory, then alive I shall be. I feel alive. It's a change in me- a change I genuinely believe those close to me should be able to see. We forget that original glory came before original sin. God made us glorious- so being fully human, fully myself is actually a good thing. The best thing. 

I had a great chat with Amy about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. As Christians, we often face the idea that there is a certain way we ought to behave- especially, I find, as a young woman. I must be gentle, polite, calm and not imposing. Well God did not create me that way. I am not quiet. I am not gentle. I am loud, and happy, and I like to share what's going on with the people I love- not keep it to myself in the name of saving face. And that, my friends, is how God made me. I  have suppressed this on and off for a long, long time. I get attached to people quickly- but I show it slowly. I never want to be seen to be too much- for the fear that who I really am is, in fact, not enough. But what I have discovered is this- to fail to embrace the way you were created is to deny the glory of God in your heart. What we were actually discussing was swearing- an odd example, I know, and not something I advocate, although I have been known to use some choice words on occasion. Okay, much more than on occasion. For a long time, I swore like a sailor. Or more accurately, like a chef.

Experience

To explain where our discussion took us, I have to explain why it is that I swear, and what I believe about how we are created. I never used to swear- not ever. That was before I ended up working in a kitchen. By the time I had been there five years, speaking that way was normalised for me. It was just how we communicated- and it was noticed if you didn't. I have always sought to fit in- this, I think, is clear. But some habits are difficult to break. Here's the clincher. though- God has a plan for each of us. He puts us in certain places as we grow to prepare us for His great plan. There are people each of us will cross paths with, and those are the people we should communicate with, build relationship with, and share our lives with. If the best way to communicate with them is on their terms, well then God may well call us to fit into their world. That looks different depending on where we are, but if it's in His plan, it most certainly is not wrong. 

Please don't think that what I'm trying to do here is to justify one of my bad habits- it's something I acknowledge, and I genuinely believe I'm getting a lot better, by grace. God is changing my heart, and speaking that way no longer feels natural to me. What I'm really getting at is the heart of the issue- the heart of all of our issues. We are broken now- but we were created glorious. Jesus came to forgive us- but also to allow us to forgive ourselves, and most importantly, to make us whole again. To restore our hearts to glory. I am no longer afraid to stand out and be noticed, because I trust that in prayer and through a genuine change of my heart, God will have me noticed for the right reasons.

Doing Life

You are told constantly that there is a "Christian" way to behave, and to do life- but that's the problem. We are doing life- we are not living it.When we modify our behaviour- and do not ask and allow the Lord to modify our hearts- we deny God the chance make us whole- I deny Him the opportunity to make me fully me again. We are not called to sink into the shadows. We are called to bring light.

You and I need to embrace ourselves- I am me. No one can be more me than I- and I am just as God intended me to be. Life can destroy me, if I let it. Only God can make me glorious in the essence of who I was born to be. And that, my friends, is the most important thing I ever need to know.

My New Project

One Blog wasn't enough!

As part of my Tearfund Rhythms project, I've started a new tumblog!! It's called "Enough to Eat?" and my aim is to draw attention to those in the world who are less fortunate than myself and maybe give a few tips on how we can alleviate their suffering. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a lot, but it's important to me. I'm learning the value of advocacy, and everywhere I go I'm getting new ideas- cue me investing far too much time in yet another blog! I'm very excited about it- feel free to check it out:

http://enough-to-eat.tumblr.com