It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

A Change of Heart

Excited!!

I'm feeling really close to God at the moment, as I mentioned in my last post. I have been reading another John Elderedge book- every time I read one it seems to change how I see God completely- and always just in the way I need. The last one I read totally changed the way I see Jesus. This time it's Waking the Dead. It's all about God's desire to see us come alive as we were intended to be. The key message is that the glory of God is in man fully alive. It's a difficult message to understand- it's one that has to be received rather than explained and it took me quite some time to get there- but it changes everything. Literally everything. The idea that my living life fully alive brings glory to the Lord- was the purpose of Jesus' coming- has fired up my soul. 

Alive

It's given me a confidence that has been lacking recently. One that I found at Imagine this year, but lost somewhere along the way, in all the relationship drama and other nonsense since summer. It's been stolen by the enemy in the course of my trying simply to live out each day- I have forgotten again what it means to be me. If my being fully alive is God's desire and glory, then alive I shall be. I feel alive. It's a change in me- a change I genuinely believe those close to me should be able to see. We forget that original glory came before original sin. God made us glorious- so being fully human, fully myself is actually a good thing. The best thing. 

I had a great chat with Amy about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. As Christians, we often face the idea that there is a certain way we ought to behave- especially, I find, as a young woman. I must be gentle, polite, calm and not imposing. Well God did not create me that way. I am not quiet. I am not gentle. I am loud, and happy, and I like to share what's going on with the people I love- not keep it to myself in the name of saving face. And that, my friends, is how God made me. I  have suppressed this on and off for a long, long time. I get attached to people quickly- but I show it slowly. I never want to be seen to be too much- for the fear that who I really am is, in fact, not enough. But what I have discovered is this- to fail to embrace the way you were created is to deny the glory of God in your heart. What we were actually discussing was swearing- an odd example, I know, and not something I advocate, although I have been known to use some choice words on occasion. Okay, much more than on occasion. For a long time, I swore like a sailor. Or more accurately, like a chef.

Experience

To explain where our discussion took us, I have to explain why it is that I swear, and what I believe about how we are created. I never used to swear- not ever. That was before I ended up working in a kitchen. By the time I had been there five years, speaking that way was normalised for me. It was just how we communicated- and it was noticed if you didn't. I have always sought to fit in- this, I think, is clear. But some habits are difficult to break. Here's the clincher. though- God has a plan for each of us. He puts us in certain places as we grow to prepare us for His great plan. There are people each of us will cross paths with, and those are the people we should communicate with, build relationship with, and share our lives with. If the best way to communicate with them is on their terms, well then God may well call us to fit into their world. That looks different depending on where we are, but if it's in His plan, it most certainly is not wrong. 

Please don't think that what I'm trying to do here is to justify one of my bad habits- it's something I acknowledge, and I genuinely believe I'm getting a lot better, by grace. God is changing my heart, and speaking that way no longer feels natural to me. What I'm really getting at is the heart of the issue- the heart of all of our issues. We are broken now- but we were created glorious. Jesus came to forgive us- but also to allow us to forgive ourselves, and most importantly, to make us whole again. To restore our hearts to glory. I am no longer afraid to stand out and be noticed, because I trust that in prayer and through a genuine change of my heart, God will have me noticed for the right reasons.

Doing Life

You are told constantly that there is a "Christian" way to behave, and to do life- but that's the problem. We are doing life- we are not living it.When we modify our behaviour- and do not ask and allow the Lord to modify our hearts- we deny God the chance make us whole- I deny Him the opportunity to make me fully me again. We are not called to sink into the shadows. We are called to bring light.

You and I need to embrace ourselves- I am me. No one can be more me than I- and I am just as God intended me to be. Life can destroy me, if I let it. Only God can make me glorious in the essence of who I was born to be. And that, my friends, is the most important thing I ever need to know.

My New Project

One Blog wasn't enough!

As part of my Tearfund Rhythms project, I've started a new tumblog!! It's called "Enough to Eat?" and my aim is to draw attention to those in the world who are less fortunate than myself and maybe give a few tips on how we can alleviate their suffering. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a lot, but it's important to me. I'm learning the value of advocacy, and everywhere I go I'm getting new ideas- cue me investing far too much time in yet another blog! I'm very excited about it- feel free to check it out:

http://enough-to-eat.tumblr.com

Visions

So I guess I omitted a pretty big piece of information about the time when I was ill at home. To shed a little light on the background to this, prophecy is something I have been praying into for a long time, and talking over with people I know take this kind of thing seriously. I'm not brave enough to even attempt to prophesy over another person, whether I know them or not, but with God's help I'm working on it.

I guess what got me thinking about prophecy properly in the first place was Mike Pilavachi's talk at Imagine Scotland this year. He put forward the idea that actually we should desire spiritual gifts, which is biblical- 1 Corinthians 14:1- Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy. To me, the idea that all I had to do was ask God for spiritual gifts was totally new- it never occured to me that people weren't born with the ability to use certain gifts, and as far as I was concerned before, mine was my voice. 

Mike Pilavachi speaking at Imagine earlier this year

Mike told us a story about a time when he was asked to sit with a man renowned for his gifting in prophecy and had absolutely no idea what to do. When the first couple came to them, he sat for a long, long time, and all that he could think of was a swear word in Greek, which was a terrible, derogatory thing to call a woman. He really didn't want to say it, but when he got up the courage, the woman broke down. It turned out her ex-husband had been Greek, and emotionally abusive. Even in front of other people he did not refer to her by her name, but rather by this terrible word. The lesson he shared, essentially, was that if you listen to God, however crazy it seems, he'll tell you what He wants people to hear.

And so, long story not so short, this idea really moved me and I feel prophecy is a gift God wants to share- but for now I'm comfortable just getting visions for me!! 

So, back to the original story, last Sunday night we had a Worship Central session at Shedd. Boyfriend convinced me to stay an extra day to go to it, and it was so incredibly beneficial. During a time of worship, I asked God to show me the plans he had for me, and what I saw was this (and I'm aware I have now crossed the line into crazy people territory, just bear with!!)-

So first I saw a city at night from above- then I saw the Wallace Monument behind that city, so ok it's Stirling. Then every person in the city who needs God lit up and shone like a yellow light, so the whole place was lit up with people. There was a concentration of light in one particular area, so ok now God's showing me where there is the greatest need for Him. Then, I was in Cornton (which I only know because I've driven through it like twice) and I was standing in front of the church there (which I've never seen in my life). Then the doors open, and a rush of water comes out, and there are people swimming in it- they circled around the people with the lights, who were then lifted up out of the water towards the sky. So at this point, I was confused and a little scared, but excited all the same. So I asked God what I need to do to bless Him, what He wants me to do- and then I was before Jesus. God told me to get on my knees, so I did (in real life too!) and Jesus anointed me with oil.

Cornton Baptist Church

So now everyone is thinking I'm mental, and that's fair enough- I might be!- but I'm so sure of God's promises and that what He tells us in the bible. He tells us that prophecy is real- and given the trouble I've been having finding a church to keep going to, this seems pretty clear to me. I guess all I can do is go there and see what happens. The thing about prophecy is it's not an exact science- it could well be that I didn't see what I thought I did, or I only saw what I wanted to see, or even that I misunderstood what I did see. But all I can do is pray into that, trust God and go forward.