Brilliant

It's a beautiful day! About to go hit the gym, but before I do, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.

It's hard when things start to come to an end, and we see this finality coming and want to avoid it. For me, the semester coming to an end marks a farewell to some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. But if we take the opportunity that is presented to us, with God we can use these times to re-evaluate and see how far we have come.

For me personally, I have come incredibly far in the past year. My life has turned 360 degrees. I am so in love with the Lord and with life, in a way I never thought I would be. This morning for the first time, I used the gift of prophecy intentionally to speak over a close friend, and was just so incredibly blessed that God used me to speak to her in that way. It is the most incredible feeling there is, just to hear God speaking over someone and feel His love for them radiate through you. Of course it's not my place to even hint at what the Lord had to say to her, but I am so incredibly blessed that God is willing to use someone as sinful as me to bring light to others. 

I'm fighting hard to be a better person, and I think that my feeling inferior to other believers is something that I can overcome with the help of the Lord. I am not a "holy" person. But the truth is, not one of us truly is and the Lord is willing to use every one of us to complete His plan and His vision.

I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the CU, and pray that even after my dear friends leave me I would not be afraid to go alone and make some new friends. God has been using the people around me to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone recently, and scary as it is at the time, long may it continue. I have experienced so much that I would never have seen sitting alone in my room. 

At the risk of rambling, I'll leave it there for today, but just know how loved you are. Life is good. God is brilliant.

Fear

Really got a lot from today's devotional's snippet on faith in the face of fear- it seems particularly relevant in the wake of the disasters in America and world wide last week. It can be so hard to admit that we feel afraid, and this is a great encouragement, pointing out to us that we do not achieve anything by denying fear, instead we must accept it and conquer it through faith in the one for whom nothing is impossible.

Personally, feeling pretty good- we had a great event on Sat evening called Encounter, for young adults, in Stirling. Really felt God moving for the first time in a long time (def the first time since the doc put me on the pills- a huge relief!), and felt really encouraged to embrace God's gifts- both spiritual and practical- stop hiding the light beneath a bushel kind of thing. 

Had some challenging words from a good friend r.e. gossiping an falseness- hard to hear the truth sometimes! But thankfully spoken in love and avoided an argument over it- hard to accept when someone is right in these circumstances, but important spiritual growth I think!

Missing home dearly, especially my little niece, and the comfort of knowing I have somewhere to live whether the money comes in or not! I appreciate the ongoing prayer of those around me regarding my finances as things are particularly tight at the moment, although I trust God completely this can be quite daunting!! 

Really encouraged by Romans 8:37 today- 

                No! In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

Blessings! x

Baptism

I finally took the plunge!!

On Sunday, I was baptised in Shedd, surrounded by so many wonderful friends. Seven of my flatmates, plus my bestie, all came home with me to be at the service, and I've never felt so blessed- to be surrounded by my amazing Shedd family, and my amazing new family, all in one place!! It was a strange combination, but I feel so, so lucky.

My mum and dad made such a huge effort to make my friends welcome, and I can't thank them enough- they did so much for us! And the guys came so far just to be there for me- it's incredible. I'm all gushy just now because I feel so incredibly blessed and happy. I can't even put it into words.

I can't bear to think about these guys leaving- I want to live with them forever. They're my family. If any of you read this- Karen, Chloé, Paaaaaaige, Pete, TJ, Katie, Angela- I love you guys so much, and I'm so thankful that you shared that with me. I'll never forget it. 

A more insightful post may be forthcoming when my head is a little calmer- but for now, thank you God.

Getting Closer!!

The week is finally here- my baptism is on Sunday!! And amongst all the nerves, anticipation and organisation, it's so easy to lose focus and get caught up in details. I'm finding I need a little time to find my rest in God- not easy when I also have exams and assignments to worry about!! 

Dear God,

I pray that you bless me with calm this week. I thank you for the amazing life you have given me, and for the opportunity to stand up before your people and share what you have done for me. I pray that you would be with everyone who attends that service, keeping those I care about safe and well. 

Thank you that I have such wonderful friends willing to go so very far to support me, especially those who do not believe in the same things as I do. Thank you that they are willing to sacrifice their pride to support me. 

Thank you for the young adults who will be there supporting me also, and blessing me always with their love and friendship. Thank you that I have Linda to stand along side me as we take this step together. Be with her also this week, calming any nerves she may have. Give her the confidence to embrace this step and speak aloud of all you have done. I pray the same over myself at this time, Lord. We are nothing without you.

In Jesus Name,
Amen.

And so it begins...

The new students have began to arrive...

So far we have two boys, both from the same school in Wisconsin. One of them for sure is a Christian, which is good news for me! It's nice knowing there's someone else going about and you're not the only weirdo on the floor! (Joking, of course, but you get my drift). They both seem nice, and we also discovered there are other permanent students staying at the other side of the floor! How we managed a whole semester without knowing they were there is beyond me.

Generally, it's less lonely now that there are definitely people out there! And we managed to have a decent conversation about church and baptism and all of that kind of stuff with the girls who already live here last night which can only be a good thing.

It's funny how these things happen- I had spent the day hoping and praying for another Christian to arrive at some point, and the same day, into the kitchen walks a guy wearing a 1 million for Jesus t-shirt who wants to be a youth pastor- I don't know about you, but I don't believe in coincidence- God really does hear us when we call! 

In other news, SAAS came through today and I should get 3 weeks worth of Boots pay tomorrow, so things are looking up on the money front. The lady at residential services said just to come in with cash here and there to pay off my December rent- even if it's only £20 or whatever at a time. So that's a bonus. I really do believe that God will provide for me this year, but I need strength to keep believing it every time things go wrong. I've learned this week that provided I have food in, I don't actually need to be spending money- I haven't spent a penny since Monday, and I haven't wanted for anything. I also may be able to get work as a telephone fundraiser or student ambassador which would be perfect as it would only be during the semester, so prayers for that would be appreciated!

All in all, today is a good day. I'm off to step class with the girl across the hall now- pray I survive that and the rest of the day will be great!!

Blessings x

Last day at Home

Today is my last day at home. Lots of packing and organising to do!! But first, I have to go to Shedd for the morning service and see everyone there before I go. I'm on Sunday club too. Busy bee!!

I think today will be a good day. I have worked out that I will be able to pay my February rent, yey! Now I need to work out how to pay the December rent I'm owe, and the rest of it when it comes- but I'm sure God is dealing with it. As much as I wish someone would just come and hand me a cheque, I know I can survive if I trust God.

In other news, the goss on the new roommates is that they are all boys. I guess that makes sense since last time they were all girls but I'm not sure how I feel about it!! I guess we will have to wait and see what they are like! Praying that God has some good things lined up for me this semester. Let's face it, whoever moves in, they won't be these guys:

Blessings x

21 Years...

It is officially my 21st year of being alive. How exciting!! I have learned so much recently about the value of joy and of celebrating, that rather than make a list of rules for myself this New Year (which I will undoubtedly break very quickly!!) I am going to plan some ways in which to celebrate. When a company or group of any sort turns 21, they celebrate for the entire year- and Luke 12:27 tells me just how God views me- I am much more important to Him than any business! He cares about my heart- and He wants it to be filled with joy. So I vow to spend this year in celebration, thanking God that He gave me a life that has the potential to be full of joy and laughter. I haven't quite decided how yet- but here is how I plan, God willing, to make a start:

I will become more active in my church and CU in Stirling. I will find opportunities to serve God in my new home this year. I will do things that I enjoy!! I will pray into the things I would love to be doing for God- I think it's about time I started singing again- please God? I also plan to train for and join the Street Pastors- another way to celebrate the restorative power of my loving creator?

I will do more things that I enjoy. I rarely do anything purely for the sake of it- just for me. This year I will join societies and clubs which enjoy- it's time to get my confidence back and just give things a go. God willing, I will find things that I love, and inject a little joy back into my life.

I will stop saying no. I do not mean I will abandon all wisdom and render myself ridiculous- BUT I will try to let go of my tendency to refuse before a question is asked. I will experience more this year.

I will start y travelling fund. At 21 years old, it's time to stop saying I want to travel and start doing something about it- first stop California!! 

So, if you see me this year, and I don't seem very happy about life, remind me of this promise- I will live every day thanking God for the breath in my lungs, and start experiencing life. After all, I guess 21 is kind of...an adult?

Blessings at New Year

In our rush to encounter all of what the new year has to offer, we often forget to count our blessings. I do it all the time- so I've put together a list of all of the wonderful things that happened to me this year as a reminder to myself.

I moved to Stirling this year. I have experienced living by myself, and grown up a lot as a result. I love being self-sufficient- God has shown me that I am much more capable than I believed. He has also taught me the value of relying on Him- I do not have all the answers, and I never have any money, but by His grace I will survive.

 I joined Shedd. God led me to the most wonderful church I could imagine this year, at the time when I needed it most. I love every single one of the friends I have made there, and the old friends I have been blessed to reconnect with. Shedd is about family, and I am blessed beyond words to be a part of theirs.

I met my beautiful Americans. I have been blessed beyond words in meeting some of the most wonderful people this year- and my life is richer for it. Living with other people is challenging, but there is no one I would rather have experienced it with. I miss them every day, but I thank God that I got to spend the time I did with them, and that I may yet see America for myself!!

I spent time working out in the real world. I got to experience a little of what real adult life is like this year- and meet some fabulous people. I'm so grateful to God for the opportunity- and it helped me to see that a "normal" job will never be for me, revealing another piece of the future I'm trying to see for myself.

I was able to take a holiday with Shelley. Visiting Loch Lomond was a fantastic experience- and I found my favourite place in the world! On top of that, because God is an extravagant God, the very place I fell in love with is only half an hour from where I now live, and I can go there whenever I need to get away.

There have been many, many more blessings, large and small, in my life this year. Sometimes it feels unfair that so many of them are now past and memory- but I do well to remember that what God gives, God takes away. Life is short, and I intend to make the most of it. I believe that I will see my friends again some day, if God wills it, and maybe I will have the opportunity to see more of the world than I ever imagined. 

I leave you with one thought to cling to this New Year- Earth is and will always be the most common place of miracles.

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

Merry Christmas!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year again- Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I only got today off, but it's been a lovely day with the family! I managed to get off work in time to head to the Shedd family Christmas service last night- it was lovely. I love my Shedd family so much! For the first time in ages, I feel really close to God. I love this time of year and all it entails. Family time- love everywhere! Of course, it's tiring and takes a lot of work to make Christmas go well- but it's completely worth it on the day. This year, I had to make my gifts for people myself as I'm so very short of cash. It's taken a lot of the stress out- in recent years I've found myself resenting the consumerist side of Christmas, as I see more and more how the birth of Jesus has been turned into something so much more worldly. This year has been better- much less fuss all round. 

Unfortunately our town was hit with flooding two days ago- if you're reading this, please do say a prayer for those affected. Quite a large number of people in the street next to us have been displaced from their homes and have lost their presents as well as their other possessions. The picture below shows the street- the van on the left hand side was Dad's. We lost mum's car and the van- my car is the only one that survived. Sometimes I really do feel blessed. It was upsetting at the time, but we quickly saw how lightly we got off compared to others. 

The most important thing at this time of year is to remember the reason we celebrate. Jesus came to the world to make us whole and repair our relationship with the Father. And no matter what else happens- flooding, losing possessions, or any other disasters, that alone is is a reason for joy.

My New Project

One Blog wasn't enough!

As part of my Tearfund Rhythms project, I've started a new tumblog!! It's called "Enough to Eat?" and my aim is to draw attention to those in the world who are less fortunate than myself and maybe give a few tips on how we can alleviate their suffering. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a lot, but it's important to me. I'm learning the value of advocacy, and everywhere I go I'm getting new ideas- cue me investing far too much time in yet another blog! I'm very excited about it- feel free to check it out:

http://enough-to-eat.tumblr.com

Big Decisions

I've made a big decision- and it's very exciting!!

I'll be taking baptismal classes while I'm home, with the aim of getting baptised before I go back to Stirling. I'm looking forward to it a lot!!

It's been a bit of a journey- baptism is something I've been thinking about for a while now- I really think it's the next step for me, as becoming a fully fledged member of Shedd who contributes and all that is really important to me. I also feel that after all I've done and been through, God wants to reaffirm that he can wash anything clean- there is a lot I have done that I'm not proud of and that gesture of love is important to me. I'm also very afraid of going under water- an obvious barrier to the whole idea of full submersion!!- but I've been working with my good friend Amy on getting over that fear, and I finally feel ready.

It means a lot to me to have the chance to stand publicly and renounce my behaviour in the past, and embrace all that God has for me in the future. I'm very excited!!

Shedd Tomorrow!!

I'm very much looking forward to seeing my Shedd family tomorrow morning. I need a little support! Even if it's just reassurance that I'm not hated by the family at large because Lewis and I broke up. I want to be a part of that family and I'm still on the outside of it. Being with Lewis made it much easier to be recognised and accepted. But- the show goes on as they say. Thankfully Lewis is away this weekend- as much as part of me wants to see him really badly, the sensible part knows that it will be beneficial for me to be able to worship and talk openly without the self-consciousness of knowing he's there. If was there he would be watching me as much as I would be watching him- and as always with us, our focus would be wrong.

I think they way that this weekend has turned out, in more aspects than one, it was a little gift from God for me. A reminder that with him in charge, everything will fall into place. As much as there are things I would like to change, particularly when I'm going back to Stirling, it's a lesson- if I can follow God's plan, everything will work out for the greater good in my life- the good that I cannot see if I am always searching for instantaneous satisfaction. The way things have gone, I will be back in time for church in Cornton tomorrow night. I would rather go to Worship Central to hear the session about Prophecy and Art, but God has other plans. Time to drop the attitude and learn some acceptance, possibly?

God Bless x

Money Worries

So I decided it's time to stop ignoring my problems with money and actually do a budget and work out what I need. My pastor at home advised that this would help me, and that although it's good to trust God, I need to know what I'm asking for. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. 

So, my budget showed up a shortfall of £3000 between now and when I finish for summer in June. That's taking into account my student loan as it stands, not looking at the changes that I'm hoping are made to my bursary and loan- I'm still waiting for SAAS to come back to me on my appeal. It's been 5 months now. 

This was always going to be my challenge- to trust God when there doesn't seem to be an answer. I think the key is to take it a month at a time, and not to focus on how I can make ends meet. I know in my heart that I'm doing what God wants mew to do- now I just have to trust that he has a way of doing it. I gave up financial security when I decided to follow God's will, and it's hard not to look back on that with a little- not so much regret as just wishing I had a little more of that freedom.

God has a purpose. He has a plan for my life, and in some way or another this will serve it.

Finding My Feet

I've just come back from my first service at Cornton Baptist Church. I enjoyed it- the church is small, the congregation a lot smaller than anywhere I've ever been before. The people seem lovely- more than one came up to me to say hello and have a chat. The small group of students seem very welcoming and friendly too, like the sort of people I could get on with.

The service was very structured and quite formal- not what I'm used to at Shedd, but much more like the Church of Scotland churches I was brought up in. The main thing is, the people seem nice and I'm looking forward to going back.