And so it begins...

The new students have began to arrive...

So far we have two boys, both from the same school in Wisconsin. One of them for sure is a Christian, which is good news for me! It's nice knowing there's someone else going about and you're not the only weirdo on the floor! (Joking, of course, but you get my drift). They both seem nice, and we also discovered there are other permanent students staying at the other side of the floor! How we managed a whole semester without knowing they were there is beyond me.

Generally, it's less lonely now that there are definitely people out there! And we managed to have a decent conversation about church and baptism and all of that kind of stuff with the girls who already live here last night which can only be a good thing.

It's funny how these things happen- I had spent the day hoping and praying for another Christian to arrive at some point, and the same day, into the kitchen walks a guy wearing a 1 million for Jesus t-shirt who wants to be a youth pastor- I don't know about you, but I don't believe in coincidence- God really does hear us when we call! 

In other news, SAAS came through today and I should get 3 weeks worth of Boots pay tomorrow, so things are looking up on the money front. The lady at residential services said just to come in with cash here and there to pay off my December rent- even if it's only £20 or whatever at a time. So that's a bonus. I really do believe that God will provide for me this year, but I need strength to keep believing it every time things go wrong. I've learned this week that provided I have food in, I don't actually need to be spending money- I haven't spent a penny since Monday, and I haven't wanted for anything. I also may be able to get work as a telephone fundraiser or student ambassador which would be perfect as it would only be during the semester, so prayers for that would be appreciated!

All in all, today is a good day. I'm off to step class with the girl across the hall now- pray I survive that and the rest of the day will be great!!

Blessings x

Not Okay

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I embarked on this adventure trusting in God to provide for me, and now everything is going wrong at every turn. I have a month's rent due from December, which I'm being chased for, and another payment due in 2 weeks which I can't pay either. That kind of money doesn't fall out of the sky. I can't even afford to get back to Stirling on Monday right now. I'm just crying all the time, I don't know how God  can pull me out of this- I have trusted Him and believed all this time that things would work out, but right now I just can't see it. I'm devastated, and scared and confused.

I know that attacks happen, especially when you've made a big decision, like a commitment to baptism, but it's hard not to feel that God is holding out on me. I know that's not true, and all I need is a little perspective, but it's hard to come by at times like this.

If someone would pay me to blog, I'd be eternally grateful...but in all seriousness, please pray. I'm finding it hard to find the words myself.

God Bless.

Exciting News

There's good news, and there's bad news. It's always better to end on a high, so firstly, I heard back from SAAS today and they are not going to reassess my loan and bursary. This means I cannot afford to pay my rent, or living costs at all for that matter, from here on in, so I am leaning on God more than ever in this department. There really is no money. It's not what I want to be thinking of or concerned with, but there it is. I'm a bit lost on how to deal with it. Please do pray if you would- it's a scary situation.

The good news, however, is very very exciting!! I had a meeting last night with Stephen, our pastor at Shedd, and set a date for my baptism- Linda and I will be baptised together on March 17th. I can't wait!! It's such a great thing to happen in my life. A chance to make a chance, to publicly renounce the way I have behaved in the past and start fresh.

There are plenty of practicalities along with baptism, not least deciding what to say when the time comes!! I guess I'll worry about that when I have my peace and quiet in my room back, and unlimited time to get it done. I also have to choose someone to be waiting with my towel when I get out. That's as hard I think. I want it to be Amy!! But she's very very far away unfortunately. Besides that, I do have some very good friends at Shedd. There are three people I'd like to ask so I just have to choose one- one is ruled out by gender, since I need someone to come into the ladies with me!!

I'll have to do lots of praying about this one I think. I can't wait!!!!

Soul Vacations

I had the best day at work I've had yet today. Don't get me wrong, my feet still hurt and nothing different happened- I just had a bit of an attitude shift. Remembering that we can do anything that we do for God is important. I went in with an attitude of joy today. 

There are two important ways of changing that attitude. The first is to hold God's joy at all times- no matter what we would rather be doing. I have found a strabge thing since I started working at Boots- the people there like me. Normally when I start a new job, or anything new actually, I go in there quiet and shy and talk to as few people as possible. But I went in to Boots determined NOT to make any new friends, fresh from the loss of my beautiful Americans. Because of that, I didn't care what anyone thought of me so I was simply myself. They think I'm slightly crazy, I think, but everyone knows me by name (and it's a big store!), and says hello when they see me. I love it!

The second, and equally important thing, is to take a rest when you need it. A physical rest is all well and good- but I can't create extra time! Instead, I take a bath when I need a rest. Or I go somewhere beautiful. Or on my way to work, I bought a cooler from Costa. It's the little things- but it put me in a better mood which set me up right for the whole day.

Happy happy happy today!!

21 Years...

It is officially my 21st year of being alive. How exciting!! I have learned so much recently about the value of joy and of celebrating, that rather than make a list of rules for myself this New Year (which I will undoubtedly break very quickly!!) I am going to plan some ways in which to celebrate. When a company or group of any sort turns 21, they celebrate for the entire year- and Luke 12:27 tells me just how God views me- I am much more important to Him than any business! He cares about my heart- and He wants it to be filled with joy. So I vow to spend this year in celebration, thanking God that He gave me a life that has the potential to be full of joy and laughter. I haven't quite decided how yet- but here is how I plan, God willing, to make a start:

I will become more active in my church and CU in Stirling. I will find opportunities to serve God in my new home this year. I will do things that I enjoy!! I will pray into the things I would love to be doing for God- I think it's about time I started singing again- please God? I also plan to train for and join the Street Pastors- another way to celebrate the restorative power of my loving creator?

I will do more things that I enjoy. I rarely do anything purely for the sake of it- just for me. This year I will join societies and clubs which enjoy- it's time to get my confidence back and just give things a go. God willing, I will find things that I love, and inject a little joy back into my life.

I will stop saying no. I do not mean I will abandon all wisdom and render myself ridiculous- BUT I will try to let go of my tendency to refuse before a question is asked. I will experience more this year.

I will start y travelling fund. At 21 years old, it's time to stop saying I want to travel and start doing something about it- first stop California!! 

So, if you see me this year, and I don't seem very happy about life, remind me of this promise- I will live every day thanking God for the breath in my lungs, and start experiencing life. After all, I guess 21 is kind of...an adult?

Blessings at New Year

In our rush to encounter all of what the new year has to offer, we often forget to count our blessings. I do it all the time- so I've put together a list of all of the wonderful things that happened to me this year as a reminder to myself.

I moved to Stirling this year. I have experienced living by myself, and grown up a lot as a result. I love being self-sufficient- God has shown me that I am much more capable than I believed. He has also taught me the value of relying on Him- I do not have all the answers, and I never have any money, but by His grace I will survive.

 I joined Shedd. God led me to the most wonderful church I could imagine this year, at the time when I needed it most. I love every single one of the friends I have made there, and the old friends I have been blessed to reconnect with. Shedd is about family, and I am blessed beyond words to be a part of theirs.

I met my beautiful Americans. I have been blessed beyond words in meeting some of the most wonderful people this year- and my life is richer for it. Living with other people is challenging, but there is no one I would rather have experienced it with. I miss them every day, but I thank God that I got to spend the time I did with them, and that I may yet see America for myself!!

I spent time working out in the real world. I got to experience a little of what real adult life is like this year- and meet some fabulous people. I'm so grateful to God for the opportunity- and it helped me to see that a "normal" job will never be for me, revealing another piece of the future I'm trying to see for myself.

I was able to take a holiday with Shelley. Visiting Loch Lomond was a fantastic experience- and I found my favourite place in the world! On top of that, because God is an extravagant God, the very place I fell in love with is only half an hour from where I now live, and I can go there whenever I need to get away.

There have been many, many more blessings, large and small, in my life this year. Sometimes it feels unfair that so many of them are now past and memory- but I do well to remember that what God gives, God takes away. Life is short, and I intend to make the most of it. I believe that I will see my friends again some day, if God wills it, and maybe I will have the opportunity to see more of the world than I ever imagined. 

I leave you with one thought to cling to this New Year- Earth is and will always be the most common place of miracles.

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

Big Decisions

I've made a big decision- and it's very exciting!!

I'll be taking baptismal classes while I'm home, with the aim of getting baptised before I go back to Stirling. I'm looking forward to it a lot!!

It's been a bit of a journey- baptism is something I've been thinking about for a while now- I really think it's the next step for me, as becoming a fully fledged member of Shedd who contributes and all that is really important to me. I also feel that after all I've done and been through, God wants to reaffirm that he can wash anything clean- there is a lot I have done that I'm not proud of and that gesture of love is important to me. I'm also very afraid of going under water- an obvious barrier to the whole idea of full submersion!!- but I've been working with my good friend Amy on getting over that fear, and I finally feel ready.

It means a lot to me to have the chance to stand publicly and renounce my behaviour in the past, and embrace all that God has for me in the future. I'm very excited!!

Exam Day!

I have my sociology exam today.

I'm sure it'll be fine- first year exam, can't really go wrong can it? But I'm still a little nervous. Tomorrow I have law, which is way more cause for concern. Unfortunately my life kind of revolves around studying at the moment, so there isn't very much worthwhile to say.

I'm a little worried about the weather, as the snow at home means I might be stuck here for a while, but I guess God's will is in that- I'm in no hurry to get back, I'll go when I'm sent. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my lovely American friends when I do go, so I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not sure what I'll do without the Amys!! I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

More later- must study!!

God Bless x

Shedd Tomorrow!!

I'm very much looking forward to seeing my Shedd family tomorrow morning. I need a little support! Even if it's just reassurance that I'm not hated by the family at large because Lewis and I broke up. I want to be a part of that family and I'm still on the outside of it. Being with Lewis made it much easier to be recognised and accepted. But- the show goes on as they say. Thankfully Lewis is away this weekend- as much as part of me wants to see him really badly, the sensible part knows that it will be beneficial for me to be able to worship and talk openly without the self-consciousness of knowing he's there. If was there he would be watching me as much as I would be watching him- and as always with us, our focus would be wrong.

I think they way that this weekend has turned out, in more aspects than one, it was a little gift from God for me. A reminder that with him in charge, everything will fall into place. As much as there are things I would like to change, particularly when I'm going back to Stirling, it's a lesson- if I can follow God's plan, everything will work out for the greater good in my life- the good that I cannot see if I am always searching for instantaneous satisfaction. The way things have gone, I will be back in time for church in Cornton tomorrow night. I would rather go to Worship Central to hear the session about Prophecy and Art, but God has other plans. Time to drop the attitude and learn some acceptance, possibly?

God Bless x

Home Again

I'm not very good at moving out. I stayed away for 3 weeks this time before I came home. I have to say though, that for someone with Absence Anxiety this is a huge challenge. When I'm not with my Mum, my brain processes that in the way that a "normal" brain processes the appropriate reaction to the death of the missing person. It's a battle but 3 weeks away is a lot for me. If it hadn't been for everything with Lewis I think I would have managed the 4 weeks I had planned to be away for, but I needed my Mum too badly to stay away any longer.

I'm at the worst I've been since the initial break up today. I was ok, but Lewis text me to check in and make sure I was ok today, and I couldn't handle it. I hope I wasn't too hard on him, but I need closure- we can't do the sort of broken up but not really thing where no one knows where they stand, and I know that the way both of us feel that would be far too easy to get into. He hasn't done anything to make me hate him or be angry, besides one choice comment on a public blog shared with our church, and in a way that makes it harder. It's almost like we've been cheated out of what should have been something wonderful.

God doesn't cheat us out of anything though. We're still young, and we have a lot ahead of us. What ever is in God's plan will come to fruition, there's no doubt about that. I will learn to trust God again. Only then can I learn to trust people. Maybe then I'll manage a functional relationship!! :P

God Bless x

Sometimes, things Suck

It's about time I updated this blog...I don't really want to but if I don't it defeats the purpose.

Boyfriend and I broke up last night. Things have been strained for a while, and the reasons for that will be kept between him and I, but it was extremely difficult to come to the decision we did.

It's hard because I care so very much for him, and all his family. We have so many friends in common and  things that we do together. Everything reminds me of how happy we were, but when it came to it God called me to honesty. I had to admit that things weren't the same, and that it was too hard to carry on. I hope very much that we can be friends, and I rely completely on God to get me through it.

I'm going back onto my "happy tablets" for a while, just so that I can cope a little better with all of the things going on at the moment. Whilst it may feel like a bit of a step back, I need to admit that it's difficult and do all I can to help myself. I pray for God's grace for both of us- maybe I can say more when it's not so raw.

God Bless.

Money Worries

So I decided it's time to stop ignoring my problems with money and actually do a budget and work out what I need. My pastor at home advised that this would help me, and that although it's good to trust God, I need to know what I'm asking for. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. 

So, my budget showed up a shortfall of £3000 between now and when I finish for summer in June. That's taking into account my student loan as it stands, not looking at the changes that I'm hoping are made to my bursary and loan- I'm still waiting for SAAS to come back to me on my appeal. It's been 5 months now. 

This was always going to be my challenge- to trust God when there doesn't seem to be an answer. I think the key is to take it a month at a time, and not to focus on how I can make ends meet. I know in my heart that I'm doing what God wants mew to do- now I just have to trust that he has a way of doing it. I gave up financial security when I decided to follow God's will, and it's hard not to look back on that with a little- not so much regret as just wishing I had a little more of that freedom.

God has a purpose. He has a plan for my life, and in some way or another this will serve it.

Old Habits Die Hard

It's natural when facing a new situation to try to blend in. It's human nature- a side effect to free will, if you like. For me, when I was far from God I would have a lot to drink. It was my way of fitting in to my group of friends, of disguising myself in the crowds. That was something I swore to myself I wouldn't go back to- it was a dark place, being someone I wasn't and always feeling a little at odds with who I really am.

Using drinking as a way to fit in has never been a healthy way to make friends- or indeed a way to create and sustain lasting relationships with people. The "honesty" that emerges when I drink has tended to be detrimental rather than helpful, and as someone who remembers every detail the morning after, it can be both embarrassing to look back on, and disappointing when conversations or goings-on are not remembered by all those involved.

Unfortunately, a couple of weeks into my stay in halls, I had stopped talking to God and decided the way to heal the distance I felt between me and my flat mates was to get drunk with them- old habits die hard, as they say. I decided I was fine with it and that there was nothing wrong with it, refusing to acknowledge that the distance I was feeling was between me and god, which was in turn causing distance between me and boyfriend. We were already struggling, not dealing with the distance well and arguing a lot. Luckily for me, the error of my ways was highlighted fairly quickly, and the remainder of my alcohol swiftly disposed of.

I'm not saying it's totally wrong for any Christian, or anyone at all for that matter, to drink. It's just wrong for me. It separates me from God because it is a reminder of a past he has redeemed me from. Of course there are issues from that past which I still need to seek forgiveness from, and deal with through prayer and bible study. Essentially, I need to work on calling out to God in times of trouble and worry rather than pulling away and drawing on my own strength, or boyfriend's, to see me over. To that effect, we have agreed that neither of us will drink if one of us can't. It's a far better incentive to me than the nagging I got before, but bless him he's always trying his best to protect me. I guess we both need to learn that that is God's job. By the grace of God I will carry on- and hopefully there won't be a next time.

God Bless x

Decisions, Decisions.

Where was I?

When I left the University of Aberdeen, it was always with the intention of returning to tertiary education within a year. Unfortunately, I allowed Satan the chance to get into my head in that time, and left the church I was attending. During this time I was far from God, and ignoring his plans for me.

By His grace, I had a good job with an oil company which allowed me the resources needed to learn to drive and make savings. Due to my refusal to listen to His plans, however, I almost accepted an offer to stay there indefinitely. I got comfortable, I enjoyed having money and feeling secure, regardless of the state of my relationships. Looking back, I was not as happy as I thought I was.

GE Dinner Dance- May 2012

In retrospect I know that there was always going to come a point where God made me choose between His plans for me and being financially secure. This year is going to be a huge challenge for me in terms of the amount of money I have- as I had no intention of returning to uni for the majority of the year, I saved very little of the money I made at GE. God has told me many times, through many people, that I will get through it if I trust in Him to provide for me.

Realisation

The realisation of what I truly needed to do came through talking to a good friend of mine. For a long time I have trusted her judgement- she has a heart for God and has been a sort of mentor to me over many years. I toiled over the decision for a long time. The light for me was being told that God puts His desires in your heart if you ask Him to. So I did. And it turned out that the true desire of my heart was to get back into my studies.

I talked over all of my issues with this friend- the demons that plagued me, the visions and nightmares and feeling of being so, so far from God. The state my relationships were in. I had attempted to read a book- "Let the Healing Begin"- a good one if you can get your hands on it- and had come to a point where the advice was to visualise the door in Revelation 3:20, and open it to Jesus.

But when I opened the door, there were terrible things behind it, manifestations of all my fears- so I shut it again.


Difficulties

Once I made the decision to follow God's will instead of my own, the attacks only grew. It was my boyfriend, at the time my best friend, and his mum, who first pointed out that I may need to face these attacks head on an tell Satan and his minions to leave me be. This has never been an area of my faith that I have been comfortable exploring. I had a bad experience with a presence of some kind when I was younger, and it left me terrified. What has been shown to me though, is that all these presences bring to me is fear- there is nothing to fear, only fear itself. Through reading God's word, and praying with others, I have come close to conquering this fear- I trust God more now than I ever have before.

The Start of the Journey

The decision that I was to leave was hard to make- but it was only the beginning. I depend on God for my comfort, and my sanity some days! I'll explore more of those challenges later...

God Bless x