Fear

Really got a lot from today's devotional's snippet on faith in the face of fear- it seems particularly relevant in the wake of the disasters in America and world wide last week. It can be so hard to admit that we feel afraid, and this is a great encouragement, pointing out to us that we do not achieve anything by denying fear, instead we must accept it and conquer it through faith in the one for whom nothing is impossible.

Personally, feeling pretty good- we had a great event on Sat evening called Encounter, for young adults, in Stirling. Really felt God moving for the first time in a long time (def the first time since the doc put me on the pills- a huge relief!), and felt really encouraged to embrace God's gifts- both spiritual and practical- stop hiding the light beneath a bushel kind of thing. 

Had some challenging words from a good friend r.e. gossiping an falseness- hard to hear the truth sometimes! But thankfully spoken in love and avoided an argument over it- hard to accept when someone is right in these circumstances, but important spiritual growth I think!

Missing home dearly, especially my little niece, and the comfort of knowing I have somewhere to live whether the money comes in or not! I appreciate the ongoing prayer of those around me regarding my finances as things are particularly tight at the moment, although I trust God completely this can be quite daunting!! 

Really encouraged by Romans 8:37 today- 

                No! In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

Blessings! x

And so it begins...

The new students have began to arrive...

So far we have two boys, both from the same school in Wisconsin. One of them for sure is a Christian, which is good news for me! It's nice knowing there's someone else going about and you're not the only weirdo on the floor! (Joking, of course, but you get my drift). They both seem nice, and we also discovered there are other permanent students staying at the other side of the floor! How we managed a whole semester without knowing they were there is beyond me.

Generally, it's less lonely now that there are definitely people out there! And we managed to have a decent conversation about church and baptism and all of that kind of stuff with the girls who already live here last night which can only be a good thing.

It's funny how these things happen- I had spent the day hoping and praying for another Christian to arrive at some point, and the same day, into the kitchen walks a guy wearing a 1 million for Jesus t-shirt who wants to be a youth pastor- I don't know about you, but I don't believe in coincidence- God really does hear us when we call! 

In other news, SAAS came through today and I should get 3 weeks worth of Boots pay tomorrow, so things are looking up on the money front. The lady at residential services said just to come in with cash here and there to pay off my December rent- even if it's only £20 or whatever at a time. So that's a bonus. I really do believe that God will provide for me this year, but I need strength to keep believing it every time things go wrong. I've learned this week that provided I have food in, I don't actually need to be spending money- I haven't spent a penny since Monday, and I haven't wanted for anything. I also may be able to get work as a telephone fundraiser or student ambassador which would be perfect as it would only be during the semester, so prayers for that would be appreciated!

All in all, today is a good day. I'm off to step class with the girl across the hall now- pray I survive that and the rest of the day will be great!!

Blessings x

Not Okay

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I embarked on this adventure trusting in God to provide for me, and now everything is going wrong at every turn. I have a month's rent due from December, which I'm being chased for, and another payment due in 2 weeks which I can't pay either. That kind of money doesn't fall out of the sky. I can't even afford to get back to Stirling on Monday right now. I'm just crying all the time, I don't know how God  can pull me out of this- I have trusted Him and believed all this time that things would work out, but right now I just can't see it. I'm devastated, and scared and confused.

I know that attacks happen, especially when you've made a big decision, like a commitment to baptism, but it's hard not to feel that God is holding out on me. I know that's not true, and all I need is a little perspective, but it's hard to come by at times like this.

If someone would pay me to blog, I'd be eternally grateful...but in all seriousness, please pray. I'm finding it hard to find the words myself.

God Bless.

Under Attack

I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm still super confused by life, but I think the fact that I am super crazy hormonal has a lot to do with it. The combination of the flat out crazy lady syndrome, and the fact that my hormones are messing with my sleep pattern, is enough to make anyone a little confused about life. 

In terms of my money woes, I faced a few more walls today- they are springing up everywhere no matter what I do or pray for- but I have had a sort of revelation. If you already knew something in your heart, just hadn't consciously acknowledged it, is that a revelation?? Anyway, going off-topic- qu'elle supris! I am reminded of Daniel, and His attempts to connect with God- when his angel finally arrived, he found out that God had sent an immediate response, but that the angel had been forced to battle satan's minions to reach him. 

The truth is, emails do not evaporate, and banks do not have this many problems in a typical situation. Things go wrong in everyone's life- regularly- but I do not believe in coincidence. For so many things to go wrong in the area that is my greatest weakness- the only thing that has the power to potentially stop me from finishing my degree and seeing out God's plan is no accident.

God has big plans for my life- I know that through listening to Him. But even if I was unsure of it, this attack is confirmation. There are big things ahead of me- things that Satan does not want to happen. There is a part of this world which God wants to see me change. It is time for me to power through in prayer, and accept God's hand on my life. 

We cannot, and should not, be flippant about spiritual attack- it is dangerous and frightening. I have stopped responding to the presence of pure fear through prayer and reading of the scriptures- but there are other ways to try to head me off, and I see that clearly now. The honest truth is that this kind of attack is affirming if we look at it through spiritual eyes- the enemy wants to stop God's work in me. That means that I'm being given something worth taking away. Hallelujah.

21 Years...

It is officially my 21st year of being alive. How exciting!! I have learned so much recently about the value of joy and of celebrating, that rather than make a list of rules for myself this New Year (which I will undoubtedly break very quickly!!) I am going to plan some ways in which to celebrate. When a company or group of any sort turns 21, they celebrate for the entire year- and Luke 12:27 tells me just how God views me- I am much more important to Him than any business! He cares about my heart- and He wants it to be filled with joy. So I vow to spend this year in celebration, thanking God that He gave me a life that has the potential to be full of joy and laughter. I haven't quite decided how yet- but here is how I plan, God willing, to make a start:

I will become more active in my church and CU in Stirling. I will find opportunities to serve God in my new home this year. I will do things that I enjoy!! I will pray into the things I would love to be doing for God- I think it's about time I started singing again- please God? I also plan to train for and join the Street Pastors- another way to celebrate the restorative power of my loving creator?

I will do more things that I enjoy. I rarely do anything purely for the sake of it- just for me. This year I will join societies and clubs which enjoy- it's time to get my confidence back and just give things a go. God willing, I will find things that I love, and inject a little joy back into my life.

I will stop saying no. I do not mean I will abandon all wisdom and render myself ridiculous- BUT I will try to let go of my tendency to refuse before a question is asked. I will experience more this year.

I will start y travelling fund. At 21 years old, it's time to stop saying I want to travel and start doing something about it- first stop California!! 

So, if you see me this year, and I don't seem very happy about life, remind me of this promise- I will live every day thanking God for the breath in my lungs, and start experiencing life. After all, I guess 21 is kind of...an adult?

Eleanor Elizabeth

Still feeling really close to God- which is great. I've had some really specific words over the last few days relating to names- two names in particular.

The first is Eleanor. Surprise- Eleanor means Sunlight, Ray of Sun. it also means compassion, and other, or foreign. All of these meanings speak to my heart,- Sunlight, obviously, is one that I have discussed a lot recently. Compassion is one of the character traits I am most proud of in myself, and the idea of being "other" to the world is one that should be important to all Christians.

The other word I received was this- "You are my Elizabeth." At the time I had been reading and thinking a great deal about the impact stories have on us. Jesus spoke to us mostly in story. Characters from stories often speak to us in ways that we cannot explain. For me, that character is Elizabeth Bennet. If you are an avid reader of Austen like I am, you will realise that Lizzie is the protagonist of the timeless Pride and Prejudice- my absolute favourite story of all time. 

God spoke to me through her character this week. You don't need to know her story to understand this. The things spoken over me were incredible- you chose to love in the wrong place- the enemy lied to you. It was not your fault. You are loved. You will get your happy ending- love comes from a place you do not expect. The traits that I adore in Lizzie- they can be seen in me. She is headstrong, she loves fiercely and will move mountains for those close to her. She is funny and strong and fun to be around. Can I really see all of that in who I am? It is a role which will take some growing in to!! But I am happy to be Elizabeth.

Of course, the Elizabeth in the bible is now playing on my mind too- I will let that one rest there and see what, if anything, comes of it. It turns out, embracing your glory is hard work!!

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

A Change of Heart

Excited!!

I'm feeling really close to God at the moment, as I mentioned in my last post. I have been reading another John Elderedge book- every time I read one it seems to change how I see God completely- and always just in the way I need. The last one I read totally changed the way I see Jesus. This time it's Waking the Dead. It's all about God's desire to see us come alive as we were intended to be. The key message is that the glory of God is in man fully alive. It's a difficult message to understand- it's one that has to be received rather than explained and it took me quite some time to get there- but it changes everything. Literally everything. The idea that my living life fully alive brings glory to the Lord- was the purpose of Jesus' coming- has fired up my soul. 

Alive

It's given me a confidence that has been lacking recently. One that I found at Imagine this year, but lost somewhere along the way, in all the relationship drama and other nonsense since summer. It's been stolen by the enemy in the course of my trying simply to live out each day- I have forgotten again what it means to be me. If my being fully alive is God's desire and glory, then alive I shall be. I feel alive. It's a change in me- a change I genuinely believe those close to me should be able to see. We forget that original glory came before original sin. God made us glorious- so being fully human, fully myself is actually a good thing. The best thing. 

I had a great chat with Amy about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. As Christians, we often face the idea that there is a certain way we ought to behave- especially, I find, as a young woman. I must be gentle, polite, calm and not imposing. Well God did not create me that way. I am not quiet. I am not gentle. I am loud, and happy, and I like to share what's going on with the people I love- not keep it to myself in the name of saving face. And that, my friends, is how God made me. I  have suppressed this on and off for a long, long time. I get attached to people quickly- but I show it slowly. I never want to be seen to be too much- for the fear that who I really am is, in fact, not enough. But what I have discovered is this- to fail to embrace the way you were created is to deny the glory of God in your heart. What we were actually discussing was swearing- an odd example, I know, and not something I advocate, although I have been known to use some choice words on occasion. Okay, much more than on occasion. For a long time, I swore like a sailor. Or more accurately, like a chef.

Experience

To explain where our discussion took us, I have to explain why it is that I swear, and what I believe about how we are created. I never used to swear- not ever. That was before I ended up working in a kitchen. By the time I had been there five years, speaking that way was normalised for me. It was just how we communicated- and it was noticed if you didn't. I have always sought to fit in- this, I think, is clear. But some habits are difficult to break. Here's the clincher. though- God has a plan for each of us. He puts us in certain places as we grow to prepare us for His great plan. There are people each of us will cross paths with, and those are the people we should communicate with, build relationship with, and share our lives with. If the best way to communicate with them is on their terms, well then God may well call us to fit into their world. That looks different depending on where we are, but if it's in His plan, it most certainly is not wrong. 

Please don't think that what I'm trying to do here is to justify one of my bad habits- it's something I acknowledge, and I genuinely believe I'm getting a lot better, by grace. God is changing my heart, and speaking that way no longer feels natural to me. What I'm really getting at is the heart of the issue- the heart of all of our issues. We are broken now- but we were created glorious. Jesus came to forgive us- but also to allow us to forgive ourselves, and most importantly, to make us whole again. To restore our hearts to glory. I am no longer afraid to stand out and be noticed, because I trust that in prayer and through a genuine change of my heart, God will have me noticed for the right reasons.

Doing Life

You are told constantly that there is a "Christian" way to behave, and to do life- but that's the problem. We are doing life- we are not living it.When we modify our behaviour- and do not ask and allow the Lord to modify our hearts- we deny God the chance make us whole- I deny Him the opportunity to make me fully me again. We are not called to sink into the shadows. We are called to bring light.

You and I need to embrace ourselves- I am me. No one can be more me than I- and I am just as God intended me to be. Life can destroy me, if I let it. Only God can make me glorious in the essence of who I was born to be. And that, my friends, is the most important thing I ever need to know.

Merry Christmas!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year again- Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I only got today off, but it's been a lovely day with the family! I managed to get off work in time to head to the Shedd family Christmas service last night- it was lovely. I love my Shedd family so much! For the first time in ages, I feel really close to God. I love this time of year and all it entails. Family time- love everywhere! Of course, it's tiring and takes a lot of work to make Christmas go well- but it's completely worth it on the day. This year, I had to make my gifts for people myself as I'm so very short of cash. It's taken a lot of the stress out- in recent years I've found myself resenting the consumerist side of Christmas, as I see more and more how the birth of Jesus has been turned into something so much more worldly. This year has been better- much less fuss all round. 

Unfortunately our town was hit with flooding two days ago- if you're reading this, please do say a prayer for those affected. Quite a large number of people in the street next to us have been displaced from their homes and have lost their presents as well as their other possessions. The picture below shows the street- the van on the left hand side was Dad's. We lost mum's car and the van- my car is the only one that survived. Sometimes I really do feel blessed. It was upsetting at the time, but we quickly saw how lightly we got off compared to others. 

The most important thing at this time of year is to remember the reason we celebrate. Jesus came to the world to make us whole and repair our relationship with the Father. And no matter what else happens- flooding, losing possessions, or any other disasters, that alone is is a reason for joy.

Wreaking Havoc

Nature is a beautiful and terrible thing.

By the sea is one of my favourite places to be. When I am in Stirling I miss it awfully. It looks especially beautiful in winter, all whipped up. But last night a combination of a high tide and dreadful wind caused carnage here in Stonehaven. The seafront is devastated. Businesses and homes alike have been flooded, some near enough destroyed, by the sea. The boardwalk is torn up. The sea has ripped apart hundred year old walls as though they were nothing. 

It's truly awful to see. The sea, still beautiful, has not yet calmed. There is no use in a clean up operation until later on in the week when we can be sure the worst is over. 

This is a sad state, particularly when we remember that Stonehaven is famous for its New Year celebrations, and this year with the new look Open Air in the Square bringing in thousands from outside the town, the pressure is on to have this all cleaned up as quickly as possible.

It's a good reminder to me, of God's power. He chooses to be a true and loyal God, loving to the last and more beautiful than anything we can see or imagine. His power, though, should not be underestimated. Personally, I have always found the idea of fearing God, the God I know, a little difficult to understand. The situation in my hometown today has given me an insight into what that really means.

Finished!!!

Well, the semester is officially over. My last final is done and I am free to go home, or stay here, or basically do what I want. I've been desperate to get home all semester. But now...

Well, I don't need to get back for Lewis any more. I saw my mum at the weekend so she'll be fine for a few extra days, and my friends- well they're all here. And now I have to face the reality that when I leave on Saturday, I say good bye to most of them, kind of forever. Unless on the slim chance at some point in our lives we're visiting the countries each other live in, we won't ever hang out again. I know I'll see amy- that's not the same. I couldn't live without her for ever. But I like living with these people. I like what we have. And now everyone is going home- and they're not coming back.

After Christmas, we get an onslaught of new exchange students and go through the whole process of making friends all over again. It never occured to me to keep anyone at a distance, but it's starting to. I hate goodbyes. If we make friends with all the newbies, this has to happen again. I sometimes wish I was the sort of person who could detach myself. But I know in my heart that isn't what God wants for me. I read a quote this week from Andrea Gibson:

"A Doctor once told me I feel too much. I said, so does God. That's why you can see the Grand Canyon from the moon."

It's my greatest gift and my Achilles heel- I feel too much. I'm scared to ask God to break my heart for what breaks his because when he does it cripples me. There must be a way I can draw my strength from Him- to be stronger. I've experienced pain and heartbreak, and I know I can withstand it, but I love too deeply too quickly and that leads to so much pain. I don't know how I'll deal with saying goodbye to these people- I love them all, even those I had trouble with at first- but I know God will be my strength, and I know he will send people into my life in their stead- he won't leave me here alone.

Productivity

I'm going to give blood today.

I can't stand needles, but I think it's really important to do it anyway. I haven't been allowed the last few times, because of my tattoo and because I've been unwell. I hope it goes better than the last time I actually was allowed! I got really giddy and nearly passed out.

I'm determined to be productive today. I have already handed in an essay and posted two letters- it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's more than I usually do. That's probably why I'm so tired all the time!! I need to get out and do things. I guess right now though my priority has to be getting my head in my books and preparing for my exams. I need to be careful though- I have a history of being much too hard on myself at exam time.

God Bless x

Edinburgh

Today was a good day.

I have been feeling pretty low lately, understandably I suppose, with everything going on, but it was so nice to just get away today. I took Amy and her sister Sarah to Edinburgh for the day, where we went to the castle, the museum, and the parliament...and also...dun dun dun!...the café where JK Rowling started writing Harry Potter. So my life is awesome. 

The café where Harry Potter was written

But seriously, it's always nice to go home, and I love it there so so so much. It dramatically improved my mood!! I now badly need to focus on both studying- of which I am most definitely not doing enough- and talking to God. When I'm not feeling great, I find it hard to be honest with God, so have a tendency to resort to shutting Him out entirely.

Whilst this used to lead to total breakdown of communication, I'm not in a place where I'm not willing to let that happen. BUT what I do instead is find myself in a reluctant kind of half-relationship where I feel guilty when I think about God, so I try not to think about Him, but I know I need to talk to Him, so I do a little, but then I feel crappy again- and the spiral continues. I must not let myself get back down that spiral. I could do with a little support right now!! Starting to wish I had more Christian friends to talk to down here. 

A quote of Amy's from our wonderful day together...

I was reminded today though that I do have Amy. Even if sometimes I'm too stressy to deal with everything, she understands in a way others don't, since she believes too. That's more comfort than I think she knows.

God Bless x

Studying

It's so hard to focus when you have things on your mind!!

I'm really struggling to be kind and helpful right now. It's so easy with exams coming up to forget that people have other problems. I'm finding study really tricky- I guess being out of it for so long hasn't helped my cause. But when I sit down to study I'm finding it so hard to focus, and the people around me just aren't as bothered about it as me- and they seem to think that I should be more concerned with other "stuff" that's going on. I don't want people to think I'm just "over it" when it comes to their problems- but to a certain extent I am.

I'm tired. I'm ill. I have an unbelievable amount of work to do. And all I want is peace to do it. I shouldn't be having to lock my door and turn off my phone for that to happen. I need to regroup. Give all my worries over to God and ask Him to help me focus, and to balance getting my work done with showing love to the people around me. I need to get my priorities right, or this is all going to go wrong.

Home Again

I'm not very good at moving out. I stayed away for 3 weeks this time before I came home. I have to say though, that for someone with Absence Anxiety this is a huge challenge. When I'm not with my Mum, my brain processes that in the way that a "normal" brain processes the appropriate reaction to the death of the missing person. It's a battle but 3 weeks away is a lot for me. If it hadn't been for everything with Lewis I think I would have managed the 4 weeks I had planned to be away for, but I needed my Mum too badly to stay away any longer.

I'm at the worst I've been since the initial break up today. I was ok, but Lewis text me to check in and make sure I was ok today, and I couldn't handle it. I hope I wasn't too hard on him, but I need closure- we can't do the sort of broken up but not really thing where no one knows where they stand, and I know that the way both of us feel that would be far too easy to get into. He hasn't done anything to make me hate him or be angry, besides one choice comment on a public blog shared with our church, and in a way that makes it harder. It's almost like we've been cheated out of what should have been something wonderful.

God doesn't cheat us out of anything though. We're still young, and we have a lot ahead of us. What ever is in God's plan will come to fruition, there's no doubt about that. I will learn to trust God again. Only then can I learn to trust people. Maybe then I'll manage a functional relationship!! :P

God Bless x

Not Ok

I'm pretty good at pretending everything is ok. Unless people know me really well or I want them to know, they usually can't tell. But I'm not ok.

I feel so much- pain, confusion, one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. It's happened before- like there's a gate between me and how I really feel and if I let it through I'm going to collapse under the weight of it all. If I let God in, I have to admit how I feel. And I can't do that. I've lost someone really special to me, and now he's said some things I find hard to swallow- and I refuse to engage in a game of he said she said. I won't do it. That's not me. But it's about time I got real. I know I said that it would take me time to be able to process and work out where I am and be ready to discuss it, but I need to get it out.

I don't trust people. There are very few people in my life who I can be totally genuine with. And I feel let down. Like I let someone in and they didn't get how much that meant. People are human, they screw up. But I had my life planned. I knew what I wanted. And in one go it was all gone. I tried so hard to get back from it and I couldn't, and now I'm the bad guy. I'm the horrible girl who couldn't just try a little harder and make it work. But I did. I gave it everything /I had. It just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I never wanted it to be over, but I have nothing left to give. I can't be all he needs.

People got hurt. I lost more than just my boyfriend. I lost his family too. And all of my "real" friends were his friends first. And I'm scared they'll hate me now. All I know about people is that eventually they see through me. I'm not as nice as they thought, not as good as they thought, whatever. And then they're done with me. I can't feel like this. I'm exhausted.

I was on Tumblr just now, and I saw this:

And it broke me. Well and truly. I know what I need to do- I need to ask for forgiveness and work through this with God by my side. But that means embracing how I feel. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I need to be told I'm enough- and God is the only one with the authority for that.

Sometimes, things Suck

It's about time I updated this blog...I don't really want to but if I don't it defeats the purpose.

Boyfriend and I broke up last night. Things have been strained for a while, and the reasons for that will be kept between him and I, but it was extremely difficult to come to the decision we did.

It's hard because I care so very much for him, and all his family. We have so many friends in common and  things that we do together. Everything reminds me of how happy we were, but when it came to it God called me to honesty. I had to admit that things weren't the same, and that it was too hard to carry on. I hope very much that we can be friends, and I rely completely on God to get me through it.

I'm going back onto my "happy tablets" for a while, just so that I can cope a little better with all of the things going on at the moment. Whilst it may feel like a bit of a step back, I need to admit that it's difficult and do all I can to help myself. I pray for God's grace for both of us- maybe I can say more when it's not so raw.

God Bless.

Money Worries

So I decided it's time to stop ignoring my problems with money and actually do a budget and work out what I need. My pastor at home advised that this would help me, and that although it's good to trust God, I need to know what I'm asking for. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. 

So, my budget showed up a shortfall of £3000 between now and when I finish for summer in June. That's taking into account my student loan as it stands, not looking at the changes that I'm hoping are made to my bursary and loan- I'm still waiting for SAAS to come back to me on my appeal. It's been 5 months now. 

This was always going to be my challenge- to trust God when there doesn't seem to be an answer. I think the key is to take it a month at a time, and not to focus on how I can make ends meet. I know in my heart that I'm doing what God wants mew to do- now I just have to trust that he has a way of doing it. I gave up financial security when I decided to follow God's will, and it's hard not to look back on that with a little- not so much regret as just wishing I had a little more of that freedom.

God has a purpose. He has a plan for my life, and in some way or another this will serve it.