Count your Rainbows, Not your Thunderstorms

I'm feeling very encouraged at the minute. As hard as things have the potential to be, there is definitely a silver lining to everything. It would be so easy, now that Paige is gone and the semester is well and truly over- all goodbyes said- to get caught up in how much that sucks and get down in the dumps for a while. But the way I see it, in a way to be insistent on moping about the past is a refusal to accept God's gifts, not only for now and the future but also for the time we miss. God's timing is perfect. He gives and takes away as is appropriate within his timing. That might be had to get our heads around, but in the long run, for me at least, that means appreciating gifts while we have them, and releasing them when the time is right.

I believe that all of us grew together this semester, and learned a great deal about ourselves. That only counts for something when we take it away and apply it to our "real" lives. So now is the time for that application.

One of the best things about having Paige here was that her spirit brings out the more "fun" side of me. She encourages me to act like a child, basically. And it's brilliant. Spending time with her is a great reminder about embracing life the way God intended. Her childish side is infectious! We played on swings, rolled down a massive hill, got ice cram, went paddling, played on a flying fox...it was fantastic! By the time she left on Friday night we were both exhausted, but it's safe to say that between all of that and the stand up comedy we watched in our spare time, we had a great few days together.

On Thursday I took her to the top of the Cairn O the Mount, a local beauty spot, for lunch. It's incredible out there, all rolling hills covered in heather, right out to the sea. We listened to country music and sang together and generally messed about- and it was beautiful. So simple, but such a gift for our last time together.

Of course I miss my friends. I still miss the girls I lived with last semester! It's hard to go from spending time with someone every day to not seeing them at all. On the other hand, you learn to appreciate people far more when they aren't around! I'm so in love with every single one of them, and we became so close- but it's time to move on. I will not do what I did last time round and retreat into myself, refusing to make any new friends for the fear of saying goodbye. That is not God's plan.

I will take what I have learned and the wonderful relationships I have formed, and focus on sustaining them all in a new way. I have God's promise, after all, that this was not goodbye- it is only see you later, and only for now.

Reflections

Wow, that semester just flew past! It's so strange that on the one hand it went so quickly, and on the other I feel like I've known the guys I met for ever. I was just so incredibly blessed to get to do life with such an amazing group of people. God sent a strong group of fellow believers to me just when I needed them most.

I have learned so so much from them too. They have saved my life this semester, looking after me and reminding me of what is important- and not forgetting that we had a lot of fun too!

There really are no words to describe how amazing this semester has been. It was all about the people. I learned that grades aren't actually the be all and end all. I learned that time is actually more valuable when you're willing to give it up. I learned to appreciate the people around me more than my alone time. We were a family, together. I miss them all already, so incredibly much- but I know that God sent them for a reason, and for a specific time. Plus, we promised at the end of the semester that it wasn't goodbye, only see you later!!

Prayer Points

Everything is fairly disorganised in my mind at the moment, but here is my list of prayers- either thanks, or requests- God wants to hear all of it I suppose!

• For my flatmate Evie, that her health would continue to improve and that she would make it through her exams with minimum levels of stress
• A huge thanks for all of the wonderful people I have met this year and a prayer that I could really make the most of the time we have left together.
• For my mum, that she will cope without me for a little longer ;) and also that she would be able to understand my reluctance to come home this semester.
• For the rest of my exams- peace, focus, concentration- and the ability to stay awake for full days at a time!
• For health and peace for me and all of my flatmates. 
• For the process of leaving- so much to do and so little time to do it/so little willingness to try!
• Financially- last rent payment due date has been and gone, still holding out for help from the discretionary fund!
• For a summer job
• Gratitude for the help I have received which has allowed me to make it this far financially. 
• Gratitude for the people at home caring about me and supporting me all the time (as well as one very special support in California who knows who she is!!)

One Down!

Well one exam is over!! That was stressful- but thank goodness it's done! I know that with God's help I can get through the next two.

The tricky part is all the catching up I need to do to prepare- the ups and downs of the semester have meant I have missed a whole lot of class. It's taking a lot of concentration to get through- and that's not something I have a great deal of at the moment! It seems so silly that it would be so hard, as academic stuff is the bit I've always been good at, but when it's a fight to stay awake for the day it becomes more of a challenge!

That and of course, the "essential" work being carried out on the windows which involves a huge crane bleeping constantly (a "safety feature" apparently) just outside. I don't think they quite understand how challenging exam time is for some of us over at residential services! However, I have sent them an email and hopefully there is something they can do. In the meantime, I need to take five to do my devotional and zone out of all the study stress!!

...

Well, today's reading is on accepting our weaknesses- that's a tricky one! Do we want to do something to impress others, or to glorify God? It's easy to convince ourselves that through the act of impressing others, we can glorify God- I'm not saying that's not the case, but God does not require us to build and maintain a reputation for Him. What he requires of us is to abandon our own. I think all of us come to a stage, at some point or another, where we need to make that choice- do we care more what God wants for us, or what people think of us?

That was certainly the case for me when it came to leaving my first university course- I didn't want to be the girl who dropped out, who gave up, in other people's eyes. It took me a long time to accept that no matter what anyone else thought, God had a plan for me, and it was to end up where I am now. I could not be more thankful for that.

Training

Today's devotional is all about allowing ourselves to be trained. It's all too easy to get caught up in the notion that we are under qualified for what God has called us to do, or to get so caught up in it that we rush ahead without taking the time to learn. It's so important to trust in the calling God has placed on our lives, and allow Him to bring it to fruition in His perfect timing.

This is so relevant as I seek to work out where I could be headed, and which path will lead me there. There are so many concerns about being employable, having other options to fall back on...the world is tough, and finding work is hard. It's good to take a step back and remember that it's all under control.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to bring about hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

God Provides

I was under the distinct impression that my ability to spend time with God would be dramatically reduced during exam time- it seems I am wrong, and as usual He is as keen to speak to me as ever, provided I make the time to listen.

Having just sent a long and detailed email to financial services explaining to them why I felt I was deserving of more financial help, I thought it would be productive to spend some time in prayer- as always, begging God to help me out because I was panicking. I opened my devotional to today's date in search of some inspiration, and the title which greeted me was this:

God Always Provides

Could there be a clearer sign than that? The passage that followed was an explanation of how Joyce Meyer had been called to give up her job to study the word for a time before she began her ministry, and how for her this was a time when she was to learn to trust God. She is utterly reliant on Him for everything in her current ministry, and would never have been able to take that step if not for the time of dependence beforehand. She learned to trust.

It's reassuring, is it not, that when we go through times that feel dark, when we struggle and suffer, there is a light coming? The knowledge that is is for something means everything. I am learning, I am growing, and God has big plans for me. What a revalation!

On the Internet

The internet is a fantastic tool. It's allowing me to share my life and thoughts with you and all the people that I love this very second. What makes it so brilliant is that it allows us to connect with each other, to share knowledge, wisdom, stories and jokes across the entire planet.

But there's always a down side isn't there? For me, the amount of time I spend on the internet does actually disrupt my everyday life. I read somewhere recently that spending over 6 hours in a day online doing nothing that is essentially productive is classified as an internet addiction. My first thought was "6 hours! That's absurd, who could spend that much time online?"

Then I thought about it. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is no longer to acknowledge God and ask for His blessing over my day. It is to check my facebook notifications, tumblr notes and emails. The evenings I started the semester sharing with my flatmates have become filled with pointless internet activity. And if I have no plans for the afternoon, guess what I'll be doing? Watching online re-runs of my favourite shows. Now, whether or not getting up to date with this series of Supernatural is productive is up for debate. The issue at point here is our priorities- what matters most to me?

I would never consider deleting my facebook, for example, and my reasons are simple- I use it daily to contact people I love who live very far away. But what about when I use it to tell my flatmate something instead of getting up and going to her room? It may save time, but it also means we miss out on all the extra  conversation that goes on face to face- just doing life together, sharing our day. 

I'm not saying for a second that I, or anyone else, should give up the wonderful resource that is the internet- nor should we give up our down time, and if you happen to enjoy using that time to connect with people and information online, so be it. What I'm suggesting is that we re-evaluate exactly what we do online, and why we do it. I switched my PC off, rather than putting it on standby, for the first time since I moved back to Stirling last night, and read a book instead. And I slept like a baby. I used my extra time to pray and meditate on where I'm going, and it made it much easier to focus on study today.

I think, for me at least, it's time to focus more on what God would have me do with my time, and less on Tumblr fandoms. 

Time to get Motivated!!

Sitting down about to begin studying for my exams- they start one week on Tuesday, all prayers appreciated!!- and it's probably a good idea to get a load off first.

As always, I'm really concerned about money. I have made it this far through the semester- so nearly finished- and have just one more rent payment to go, but no earthly way of meeting it. I should get SAAS money next week so I will be able to live fairly easily, that one payment aside. I have another meeting with the discretionary fund on Monday, so appreciate all prayers that that goes well. By the grace of God I know I can make it through. I have maxed out my credit card and overdraft, so it is hard not to worry, but with deep breaths and a lot of faith I can get through!

I had the opportunity to go out to Loch Lomond with some great friends during the week to celebrate a birthday, and as always was just blown away by the majesty of the place. I find it impossible to stand there and not be in total awe. It's just so peaceful, and full of wonder. I can't even describe how blessed I am to have my favourite place so close by.

The issue of where I am going in the future has come up a great deal recently. It's something I want to take time to pray about, and hopefully receive revelation, but a big part of me is afraid of what that might be. I want to have something to aim for, and yet I know how big God's plans for me are, and at times that can make me feel very small! I will have to deal with it soon, however, as if I plan to change the Law part of my degree to, say Social Work, I  need to speak to an adviser about that as soon as possible. Another case for letting go and trusting God!! 

Choosing second year modules was a daunting task. In itself, it was really easy- I only have to take two, and those are both prescribed by my degree choice at the moment, it's all that those choices imply that freaks me out. I have finished my first year classes. My days of messing about are finished. And more than that, I have to make decisions, and say goodbyes that I really would rather not. 

This semester has been incredible. I have grown so much in God with the people around me, from the first day people started to move in- I had spent an entire day in prayer, begging God to send me someone who loved Him the way that I do to do life with this time around, just that I would not be alone. Have someone to go to church with, talk to, share with about real things. And that very evening, into the kitchen walks this guy in a "1 million for JC" top with a huge cross around his neck- now try to tell me that was a coincidence. Of course, he wasn't just some guy. Now he's one of my closest friends, and the thought of sending him off back home with all the other people I have grown to love so much is terrifying. We have become a family here. 

I know that with God's love and comfort I will be okay. I know that because I have done it before. I miss my girls every day and to tell the truth I don't want to have anyone else to miss. But I will see them all again, this is not the end, not by far. 

I feel peace today, overwhelming peace. I know that I am held in God's love, and that the beautiful people I share my life with will be with me forever. I will make new friends next year, and God has a plan and a purpose for me. In the meantime, I plan to spend as much time as possible with the people I love whilst I still have them here.

God Bless x

Brilliant

It's a beautiful day! About to go hit the gym, but before I do, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.

It's hard when things start to come to an end, and we see this finality coming and want to avoid it. For me, the semester coming to an end marks a farewell to some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. But if we take the opportunity that is presented to us, with God we can use these times to re-evaluate and see how far we have come.

For me personally, I have come incredibly far in the past year. My life has turned 360 degrees. I am so in love with the Lord and with life, in a way I never thought I would be. This morning for the first time, I used the gift of prophecy intentionally to speak over a close friend, and was just so incredibly blessed that God used me to speak to her in that way. It is the most incredible feeling there is, just to hear God speaking over someone and feel His love for them radiate through you. Of course it's not my place to even hint at what the Lord had to say to her, but I am so incredibly blessed that God is willing to use someone as sinful as me to bring light to others. 

I'm fighting hard to be a better person, and I think that my feeling inferior to other believers is something that I can overcome with the help of the Lord. I am not a "holy" person. But the truth is, not one of us truly is and the Lord is willing to use every one of us to complete His plan and His vision.

I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the CU, and pray that even after my dear friends leave me I would not be afraid to go alone and make some new friends. God has been using the people around me to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone recently, and scary as it is at the time, long may it continue. I have experienced so much that I would never have seen sitting alone in my room. 

At the risk of rambling, I'll leave it there for today, but just know how loved you are. Life is good. God is brilliant.

Fear

Really got a lot from today's devotional's snippet on faith in the face of fear- it seems particularly relevant in the wake of the disasters in America and world wide last week. It can be so hard to admit that we feel afraid, and this is a great encouragement, pointing out to us that we do not achieve anything by denying fear, instead we must accept it and conquer it through faith in the one for whom nothing is impossible.

Personally, feeling pretty good- we had a great event on Sat evening called Encounter, for young adults, in Stirling. Really felt God moving for the first time in a long time (def the first time since the doc put me on the pills- a huge relief!), and felt really encouraged to embrace God's gifts- both spiritual and practical- stop hiding the light beneath a bushel kind of thing. 

Had some challenging words from a good friend r.e. gossiping an falseness- hard to hear the truth sometimes! But thankfully spoken in love and avoided an argument over it- hard to accept when someone is right in these circumstances, but important spiritual growth I think!

Missing home dearly, especially my little niece, and the comfort of knowing I have somewhere to live whether the money comes in or not! I appreciate the ongoing prayer of those around me regarding my finances as things are particularly tight at the moment, although I trust God completely this can be quite daunting!! 

Really encouraged by Romans 8:37 today- 

                No! In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

Blessings! x

Disconnected

I'm having a horrible day. 

I have an essay write- which is fine, I'm at uni, I need to do work some time!- but also I'm having massive money issues and it's super hard to concentrate. The job I thought was in the bag, in God's plan, for next year, is gone-  I didn't get it. My money has run out again. I have no idea how I'm going to pay the rest of my rent, and it's really hard to trust God when I can't see a clear way out- and the way out I could see is gone. The one person I want to see, who I know would pray with me, is not here and I just want to scream. 

God, I need you. I need you to connect with me, show yourself to me, because I can't do this alone.

Baptism

I finally took the plunge!!

On Sunday, I was baptised in Shedd, surrounded by so many wonderful friends. Seven of my flatmates, plus my bestie, all came home with me to be at the service, and I've never felt so blessed- to be surrounded by my amazing Shedd family, and my amazing new family, all in one place!! It was a strange combination, but I feel so, so lucky.

My mum and dad made such a huge effort to make my friends welcome, and I can't thank them enough- they did so much for us! And the guys came so far just to be there for me- it's incredible. I'm all gushy just now because I feel so incredibly blessed and happy. I can't even put it into words.

I can't bear to think about these guys leaving- I want to live with them forever. They're my family. If any of you read this- Karen, Chloé, Paaaaaaige, Pete, TJ, Katie, Angela- I love you guys so much, and I'm so thankful that you shared that with me. I'll never forget it. 

A more insightful post may be forthcoming when my head is a little calmer- but for now, thank you God.

Introductions

I haven't yet shared how blessed I have been this semester with wonderful new friends. The people I now live with are amazing. Of course I miss my girls- don't get mad at me!!- but the new bunch are equally fantastic.

Left to right, this is Paige, me, Pete and Chloé on the shore of Loch Lomond. We all went up there for a day out at the weekend. Paige is an American- from Arizona,  to be precise. She is hilarious, adorable, and I'm sure she won't mind me saying, a total nerd. Pete, in the middle, is from Maine and is the tallest man in the known universe (in my opinion). My niece is terrified of him. He puts up with a whole lot of stick from us- ALL the time. We steal his stuff, make fun of everything he says, and just generally annoy him all the time. Maybe a more accurate descriptor would be the most patient man in the known universe. Then there's Chloé on the right- she's from Tulle, in France. She has an incredible sense of humour and has taught us a lot of rather inappropriate expressions in French!! She's very French, and we take the mick out of her for it constantly. She is planning to stay here in the UK if it's at all possible. 

The only one not in this picture is Karen, from Kerry in the Republic of Ireland.  

Karen and I have a...special kind of friendship, which consists of fannying about the place constantly and rarely doing anything productive at all. We have a lot in common, ad clicked pretty much straight away. 

All in all, I'm so very blessed this semester- we have quite the little family!! We rarely get anything done, but we sure have a lot of fun in the process. I'm so grateful to God for having given them to me, even if only for a short while- but let's not think about that yet!! 

So now, hopefully you'll know who I'm talking about next time I start rambling!

Getting Closer!!

The week is finally here- my baptism is on Sunday!! And amongst all the nerves, anticipation and organisation, it's so easy to lose focus and get caught up in details. I'm finding I need a little time to find my rest in God- not easy when I also have exams and assignments to worry about!! 

Dear God,

I pray that you bless me with calm this week. I thank you for the amazing life you have given me, and for the opportunity to stand up before your people and share what you have done for me. I pray that you would be with everyone who attends that service, keeping those I care about safe and well. 

Thank you that I have such wonderful friends willing to go so very far to support me, especially those who do not believe in the same things as I do. Thank you that they are willing to sacrifice their pride to support me. 

Thank you for the young adults who will be there supporting me also, and blessing me always with their love and friendship. Thank you that I have Linda to stand along side me as we take this step together. Be with her also this week, calming any nerves she may have. Give her the confidence to embrace this step and speak aloud of all you have done. I pray the same over myself at this time, Lord. We are nothing without you.

In Jesus Name,
Amen.

Long Time, No See

I guess it's been a while since I made a post. I just haven't wanted to. I could make every excuse to myself about not having the time, more important things to do...but it's all the same. It's the same as why I've hardly prayed, or spoken to anyone from home. I just don't want to.

I'm having fun, don't get me wrong- I've made such fabulous friends and it's wonderful living here. But I'm getting ill again, and the money issue is getting bigger than I can cope with. I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent, and it's getting harder to and it over to God every time. I'm going to the Doctor as soon as I can get an appointment to discuss the fact that my "happy pills" just aren't helping as much as they used to. I've had soe bad days recently- I've been listless and mopey and more than I ever have before, anxious. Things that I would normally laugh off have made me freak out. Silly things really. Please do pray for me if you can. In the meantime, I need to get some discipline back and see if by talking to God every day and getting some real help, I can change my situation.

And so it begins...

The new students have began to arrive...

So far we have two boys, both from the same school in Wisconsin. One of them for sure is a Christian, which is good news for me! It's nice knowing there's someone else going about and you're not the only weirdo on the floor! (Joking, of course, but you get my drift). They both seem nice, and we also discovered there are other permanent students staying at the other side of the floor! How we managed a whole semester without knowing they were there is beyond me.

Generally, it's less lonely now that there are definitely people out there! And we managed to have a decent conversation about church and baptism and all of that kind of stuff with the girls who already live here last night which can only be a good thing.

It's funny how these things happen- I had spent the day hoping and praying for another Christian to arrive at some point, and the same day, into the kitchen walks a guy wearing a 1 million for Jesus t-shirt who wants to be a youth pastor- I don't know about you, but I don't believe in coincidence- God really does hear us when we call! 

In other news, SAAS came through today and I should get 3 weeks worth of Boots pay tomorrow, so things are looking up on the money front. The lady at residential services said just to come in with cash here and there to pay off my December rent- even if it's only £20 or whatever at a time. So that's a bonus. I really do believe that God will provide for me this year, but I need strength to keep believing it every time things go wrong. I've learned this week that provided I have food in, I don't actually need to be spending money- I haven't spent a penny since Monday, and I haven't wanted for anything. I also may be able to get work as a telephone fundraiser or student ambassador which would be perfect as it would only be during the semester, so prayers for that would be appreciated!

All in all, today is a good day. I'm off to step class with the girl across the hall now- pray I survive that and the rest of the day will be great!!

Blessings x

Bittersweet

It's always bittersweet when the time comes to leave home and go back to Stirling.

On one hand, I'm so excited for all that God has for me this semester- my new flatmates, my old flatmates (who I miss!), as well as Street Pastors and hopefully some stuff with Tearfund. I also will need to get a job this semester! I'm planning to do a spot of tutoring to make a bit of extra cash. Praying into my money worries all the time, and I'm sure God will see me through.

On the other hand, of course there are people here who I love and I will miss a whole heap. Mostly people from Shedd who I have become closer with while I've been home, but also my family (obviously!).

I also need to tell my parents that I'm getting baptised next month and time is running out...

Last day at Home

Today is my last day at home. Lots of packing and organising to do!! But first, I have to go to Shedd for the morning service and see everyone there before I go. I'm on Sunday club too. Busy bee!!

I think today will be a good day. I have worked out that I will be able to pay my February rent, yey! Now I need to work out how to pay the December rent I'm owe, and the rest of it when it comes- but I'm sure God is dealing with it. As much as I wish someone would just come and hand me a cheque, I know I can survive if I trust God.

In other news, the goss on the new roommates is that they are all boys. I guess that makes sense since last time they were all girls but I'm not sure how I feel about it!! I guess we will have to wait and see what they are like! Praying that God has some good things lined up for me this semester. Let's face it, whoever moves in, they won't be these guys:

Blessings x

A Little Better

I'm less panicked today.

I've advertised as a tutor in Stirling for Mods, which I guess I can make quite a bit from- it pays much better than retail. But on the other hand, I'm experienced in retail, waitressing, I can work a bar, and I've done admin and receptionist work.

My only dilemma is that if I get a "real job" I'm tied to Stirling and can't come home so often- my perennial dilemma. I need to let go and accept that I live there now.

God, I need your guidance.

Not Okay

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I embarked on this adventure trusting in God to provide for me, and now everything is going wrong at every turn. I have a month's rent due from December, which I'm being chased for, and another payment due in 2 weeks which I can't pay either. That kind of money doesn't fall out of the sky. I can't even afford to get back to Stirling on Monday right now. I'm just crying all the time, I don't know how God  can pull me out of this- I have trusted Him and believed all this time that things would work out, but right now I just can't see it. I'm devastated, and scared and confused.

I know that attacks happen, especially when you've made a big decision, like a commitment to baptism, but it's hard not to feel that God is holding out on me. I know that's not true, and all I need is a little perspective, but it's hard to come by at times like this.

If someone would pay me to blog, I'd be eternally grateful...but in all seriousness, please pray. I'm finding it hard to find the words myself.

God Bless.