Not Okay

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I embarked on this adventure trusting in God to provide for me, and now everything is going wrong at every turn. I have a month's rent due from December, which I'm being chased for, and another payment due in 2 weeks which I can't pay either. That kind of money doesn't fall out of the sky. I can't even afford to get back to Stirling on Monday right now. I'm just crying all the time, I don't know how God  can pull me out of this- I have trusted Him and believed all this time that things would work out, but right now I just can't see it. I'm devastated, and scared and confused.

I know that attacks happen, especially when you've made a big decision, like a commitment to baptism, but it's hard not to feel that God is holding out on me. I know that's not true, and all I need is a little perspective, but it's hard to come by at times like this.

If someone would pay me to blog, I'd be eternally grateful...but in all seriousness, please pray. I'm finding it hard to find the words myself.

God Bless.

Exciting News

There's good news, and there's bad news. It's always better to end on a high, so firstly, I heard back from SAAS today and they are not going to reassess my loan and bursary. This means I cannot afford to pay my rent, or living costs at all for that matter, from here on in, so I am leaning on God more than ever in this department. There really is no money. It's not what I want to be thinking of or concerned with, but there it is. I'm a bit lost on how to deal with it. Please do pray if you would- it's a scary situation.

The good news, however, is very very exciting!! I had a meeting last night with Stephen, our pastor at Shedd, and set a date for my baptism- Linda and I will be baptised together on March 17th. I can't wait!! It's such a great thing to happen in my life. A chance to make a chance, to publicly renounce the way I have behaved in the past and start fresh.

There are plenty of practicalities along with baptism, not least deciding what to say when the time comes!! I guess I'll worry about that when I have my peace and quiet in my room back, and unlimited time to get it done. I also have to choose someone to be waiting with my towel when I get out. That's as hard I think. I want it to be Amy!! But she's very very far away unfortunately. Besides that, I do have some very good friends at Shedd. There are three people I'd like to ask so I just have to choose one- one is ruled out by gender, since I need someone to come into the ladies with me!!

I'll have to do lots of praying about this one I think. I can't wait!!!!

Under Attack

I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm still super confused by life, but I think the fact that I am super crazy hormonal has a lot to do with it. The combination of the flat out crazy lady syndrome, and the fact that my hormones are messing with my sleep pattern, is enough to make anyone a little confused about life. 

In terms of my money woes, I faced a few more walls today- they are springing up everywhere no matter what I do or pray for- but I have had a sort of revelation. If you already knew something in your heart, just hadn't consciously acknowledged it, is that a revelation?? Anyway, going off-topic- qu'elle supris! I am reminded of Daniel, and His attempts to connect with God- when his angel finally arrived, he found out that God had sent an immediate response, but that the angel had been forced to battle satan's minions to reach him. 

The truth is, emails do not evaporate, and banks do not have this many problems in a typical situation. Things go wrong in everyone's life- regularly- but I do not believe in coincidence. For so many things to go wrong in the area that is my greatest weakness- the only thing that has the power to potentially stop me from finishing my degree and seeing out God's plan is no accident.

God has big plans for my life- I know that through listening to Him. But even if I was unsure of it, this attack is confirmation. There are big things ahead of me- things that Satan does not want to happen. There is a part of this world which God wants to see me change. It is time for me to power through in prayer, and accept God's hand on my life. 

We cannot, and should not, be flippant about spiritual attack- it is dangerous and frightening. I have stopped responding to the presence of pure fear through prayer and reading of the scriptures- but there are other ways to try to head me off, and I see that clearly now. The honest truth is that this kind of attack is affirming if we look at it through spiritual eyes- the enemy wants to stop God's work in me. That means that I'm being given something worth taking away. Hallelujah.

Inspiration

my tiny piece of inspiration for the day- because God reaches out to us when we are struggling, and in ways we do not expect.

I was looking for pictures to put on Enough to Eat (check it out here, it's my baby), when I just felt the words "They are not You" in my mind, over and over. I know the phrase, it's from One Tree Hill- Peyton drew this for Lucas in the early days. I always felt a connection to Peyton's character, and her artwork was something that stuck with me. This picture, the words, just speak to me right now. 

I feel God's calling on me at the moment, as though He has big plans, but I just have to keep pressing into it to find out what it is. It's related to my passions, to Tearfund, to Street Pastors, that I'm sure. I feel called to mission in the next few years also- to some real travel and experience. But it's a waiting game, and it feels like the time while I have to work and study like a regular person is dragging. 

I needed this message to break through my haze- they are not you. Everyone has their role to play and everyone's role is equally important. It's all in the Dead Poet's Society quote- "the human race is filled with passion. So medicine, law, business, engineering... these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for."

God has a life for me that is worth staying alive for. He knows what I need- and I have nothing to worry about.

They are not me.

Bewildered

Feeling a little odd just now. I'm excited to get back down to Stirling, but worried that I won't have money to see me through the semester. I'll miss everyone, but I'm ready to go home now. 

There's too much going on in my head at the moment. I can't think straight. I need to focus, on losing weight and on studying and on clearing my stuff out. I have no intention of coming back before the easter break at the start of April. There are people I'll miss more than I should, and I'm worried my Mum will miss me a lot. 

I'm just tired I guess. There are too many distractions in the world. I want to focus on God and His plan for me, but there's always something going on, vying for my attention. I guess I need to pray into it and work on it. I want to feel alive again.

Getting it together

Struggling a little at the moment. I'm trying to trust God completely with my finances, but it can feel sometimes like he isn't coming through for me. Things keep going wrong, and saas won't come through, and work paid me way less than they should have, I'm being taxed too much and I have nothing saved- I can't even work out where money goes. I paid my rent but I still haven't paid Decembers and residential services keep calling and I have nothing to say to them. I'm stressed. God, please give me some answers.

Back to Uni

It's very close to time for me to head back to Stirling. Obviously I'll miss my family and friends, but I'm very excited!! I'm looking forward to having more free time, and to the plans God has for me this semester. I'm currently looking into setting up a student society for Tearfund, which is very very exciting. I will also start my training for Street Pastors in March, which will be scary but I believe God has big plans for me. 

It's not fun working full time- but through it God has really challenged my attitudes. I need to learn that life will not always go my way, but in the end God works all things for the good of those who love him. 

Feeling good at the moment. I'll endeavor to put a more detailed post up as soon as I have the time.

Soul Vacations

I had the best day at work I've had yet today. Don't get me wrong, my feet still hurt and nothing different happened- I just had a bit of an attitude shift. Remembering that we can do anything that we do for God is important. I went in with an attitude of joy today. 

There are two important ways of changing that attitude. The first is to hold God's joy at all times- no matter what we would rather be doing. I have found a strabge thing since I started working at Boots- the people there like me. Normally when I start a new job, or anything new actually, I go in there quiet and shy and talk to as few people as possible. But I went in to Boots determined NOT to make any new friends, fresh from the loss of my beautiful Americans. Because of that, I didn't care what anyone thought of me so I was simply myself. They think I'm slightly crazy, I think, but everyone knows me by name (and it's a big store!), and says hello when they see me. I love it!

The second, and equally important thing, is to take a rest when you need it. A physical rest is all well and good- but I can't create extra time! Instead, I take a bath when I need a rest. Or I go somewhere beautiful. Or on my way to work, I bought a cooler from Costa. It's the little things- but it put me in a better mood which set me up right for the whole day.

Happy happy happy today!!

21 Years...

It is officially my 21st year of being alive. How exciting!! I have learned so much recently about the value of joy and of celebrating, that rather than make a list of rules for myself this New Year (which I will undoubtedly break very quickly!!) I am going to plan some ways in which to celebrate. When a company or group of any sort turns 21, they celebrate for the entire year- and Luke 12:27 tells me just how God views me- I am much more important to Him than any business! He cares about my heart- and He wants it to be filled with joy. So I vow to spend this year in celebration, thanking God that He gave me a life that has the potential to be full of joy and laughter. I haven't quite decided how yet- but here is how I plan, God willing, to make a start:

I will become more active in my church and CU in Stirling. I will find opportunities to serve God in my new home this year. I will do things that I enjoy!! I will pray into the things I would love to be doing for God- I think it's about time I started singing again- please God? I also plan to train for and join the Street Pastors- another way to celebrate the restorative power of my loving creator?

I will do more things that I enjoy. I rarely do anything purely for the sake of it- just for me. This year I will join societies and clubs which enjoy- it's time to get my confidence back and just give things a go. God willing, I will find things that I love, and inject a little joy back into my life.

I will stop saying no. I do not mean I will abandon all wisdom and render myself ridiculous- BUT I will try to let go of my tendency to refuse before a question is asked. I will experience more this year.

I will start y travelling fund. At 21 years old, it's time to stop saying I want to travel and start doing something about it- first stop California!! 

So, if you see me this year, and I don't seem very happy about life, remind me of this promise- I will live every day thanking God for the breath in my lungs, and start experiencing life. After all, I guess 21 is kind of...an adult?

Blessings at New Year

In our rush to encounter all of what the new year has to offer, we often forget to count our blessings. I do it all the time- so I've put together a list of all of the wonderful things that happened to me this year as a reminder to myself.

I moved to Stirling this year. I have experienced living by myself, and grown up a lot as a result. I love being self-sufficient- God has shown me that I am much more capable than I believed. He has also taught me the value of relying on Him- I do not have all the answers, and I never have any money, but by His grace I will survive.

 I joined Shedd. God led me to the most wonderful church I could imagine this year, at the time when I needed it most. I love every single one of the friends I have made there, and the old friends I have been blessed to reconnect with. Shedd is about family, and I am blessed beyond words to be a part of theirs.

I met my beautiful Americans. I have been blessed beyond words in meeting some of the most wonderful people this year- and my life is richer for it. Living with other people is challenging, but there is no one I would rather have experienced it with. I miss them every day, but I thank God that I got to spend the time I did with them, and that I may yet see America for myself!!

I spent time working out in the real world. I got to experience a little of what real adult life is like this year- and meet some fabulous people. I'm so grateful to God for the opportunity- and it helped me to see that a "normal" job will never be for me, revealing another piece of the future I'm trying to see for myself.

I was able to take a holiday with Shelley. Visiting Loch Lomond was a fantastic experience- and I found my favourite place in the world! On top of that, because God is an extravagant God, the very place I fell in love with is only half an hour from where I now live, and I can go there whenever I need to get away.

There have been many, many more blessings, large and small, in my life this year. Sometimes it feels unfair that so many of them are now past and memory- but I do well to remember that what God gives, God takes away. Life is short, and I intend to make the most of it. I believe that I will see my friends again some day, if God wills it, and maybe I will have the opportunity to see more of the world than I ever imagined. 

I leave you with one thought to cling to this New Year- Earth is and will always be the most common place of miracles.