Eleanor Elizabeth

Still feeling really close to God- which is great. I've had some really specific words over the last few days relating to names- two names in particular.

The first is Eleanor. Surprise- Eleanor means Sunlight, Ray of Sun. it also means compassion, and other, or foreign. All of these meanings speak to my heart,- Sunlight, obviously, is one that I have discussed a lot recently. Compassion is one of the character traits I am most proud of in myself, and the idea of being "other" to the world is one that should be important to all Christians.

The other word I received was this- "You are my Elizabeth." At the time I had been reading and thinking a great deal about the impact stories have on us. Jesus spoke to us mostly in story. Characters from stories often speak to us in ways that we cannot explain. For me, that character is Elizabeth Bennet. If you are an avid reader of Austen like I am, you will realise that Lizzie is the protagonist of the timeless Pride and Prejudice- my absolute favourite story of all time. 

God spoke to me through her character this week. You don't need to know her story to understand this. The things spoken over me were incredible- you chose to love in the wrong place- the enemy lied to you. It was not your fault. You are loved. You will get your happy ending- love comes from a place you do not expect. The traits that I adore in Lizzie- they can be seen in me. She is headstrong, she loves fiercely and will move mountains for those close to her. She is funny and strong and fun to be around. Can I really see all of that in who I am? It is a role which will take some growing in to!! But I am happy to be Elizabeth.

Of course, the Elizabeth in the bible is now playing on my mind too- I will let that one rest there and see what, if anything, comes of it. It turns out, embracing your glory is hard work!!

It's been a long day...

A Hard Day

My first day working in the January sales is over! (Even though it's only Boxing Day!!) It would be fair to say I'm exhausted. I actually quite enjoyed it though- it certainly passed quickly. Nothing like a huge crowd to keep you on your toes. 

An exaggeration, perhaps?

Reflection

Surprisingly, I found quite a lot of time for thinking and speaking to God today. I have been thinking a lot about our true names- what God sees when He sees us. When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of things looking back. How do we see ourselves? For me, at least, there are many things- some days I see my illness and nothing else- though those days are rarer than ever now. I see depression in all it's glory, and every negative thing I can attach to myself. Sometimes, like everyone, I see what I think others see when they look at me- maybe a little too chubby, or not quite right in any other ways. And quite honestly, especially now that there is so much pressure in my job to look right, all I see is my hair. The list goes on. I'm sure everyone has one. The question is, how important are these things that I see? The truth is that much of what goes through my head when I see myself is far more superficial than I would like the world to know. And even more importantly, what does God see?

Sunshine

God has shared with me many times now through prophetic words, and reminded and reinforced for me today, that to Him I am sunshine. I am yet to understand the full significance of this, but I hope that one day I will. In me, God sees His glory. That is not me being egotistical, by any means- we all have a share in God's glory. Mine is different from yours- and your glory is unique to you. I have been in some dark, dark places in my life- but I have been called to bring light. My true name is sunshine. Now doesn't that sound childish when put like that?

It's not though. It's what God has called me to be, and I am proud of  it. My heart, at it's most alive, is a heart of light- a heart that brings joy.

I am happy to be light. I am happy to be sunshine. And most of all, I am happy to be called by God to be His own.

A Change of Heart

Excited!!

I'm feeling really close to God at the moment, as I mentioned in my last post. I have been reading another John Elderedge book- every time I read one it seems to change how I see God completely- and always just in the way I need. The last one I read totally changed the way I see Jesus. This time it's Waking the Dead. It's all about God's desire to see us come alive as we were intended to be. The key message is that the glory of God is in man fully alive. It's a difficult message to understand- it's one that has to be received rather than explained and it took me quite some time to get there- but it changes everything. Literally everything. The idea that my living life fully alive brings glory to the Lord- was the purpose of Jesus' coming- has fired up my soul. 

Alive

It's given me a confidence that has been lacking recently. One that I found at Imagine this year, but lost somewhere along the way, in all the relationship drama and other nonsense since summer. It's been stolen by the enemy in the course of my trying simply to live out each day- I have forgotten again what it means to be me. If my being fully alive is God's desire and glory, then alive I shall be. I feel alive. It's a change in me- a change I genuinely believe those close to me should be able to see. We forget that original glory came before original sin. God made us glorious- so being fully human, fully myself is actually a good thing. The best thing. 

I had a great chat with Amy about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. As Christians, we often face the idea that there is a certain way we ought to behave- especially, I find, as a young woman. I must be gentle, polite, calm and not imposing. Well God did not create me that way. I am not quiet. I am not gentle. I am loud, and happy, and I like to share what's going on with the people I love- not keep it to myself in the name of saving face. And that, my friends, is how God made me. I  have suppressed this on and off for a long, long time. I get attached to people quickly- but I show it slowly. I never want to be seen to be too much- for the fear that who I really am is, in fact, not enough. But what I have discovered is this- to fail to embrace the way you were created is to deny the glory of God in your heart. What we were actually discussing was swearing- an odd example, I know, and not something I advocate, although I have been known to use some choice words on occasion. Okay, much more than on occasion. For a long time, I swore like a sailor. Or more accurately, like a chef.

Experience

To explain where our discussion took us, I have to explain why it is that I swear, and what I believe about how we are created. I never used to swear- not ever. That was before I ended up working in a kitchen. By the time I had been there five years, speaking that way was normalised for me. It was just how we communicated- and it was noticed if you didn't. I have always sought to fit in- this, I think, is clear. But some habits are difficult to break. Here's the clincher. though- God has a plan for each of us. He puts us in certain places as we grow to prepare us for His great plan. There are people each of us will cross paths with, and those are the people we should communicate with, build relationship with, and share our lives with. If the best way to communicate with them is on their terms, well then God may well call us to fit into their world. That looks different depending on where we are, but if it's in His plan, it most certainly is not wrong. 

Please don't think that what I'm trying to do here is to justify one of my bad habits- it's something I acknowledge, and I genuinely believe I'm getting a lot better, by grace. God is changing my heart, and speaking that way no longer feels natural to me. What I'm really getting at is the heart of the issue- the heart of all of our issues. We are broken now- but we were created glorious. Jesus came to forgive us- but also to allow us to forgive ourselves, and most importantly, to make us whole again. To restore our hearts to glory. I am no longer afraid to stand out and be noticed, because I trust that in prayer and through a genuine change of my heart, God will have me noticed for the right reasons.

Doing Life

You are told constantly that there is a "Christian" way to behave, and to do life- but that's the problem. We are doing life- we are not living it.When we modify our behaviour- and do not ask and allow the Lord to modify our hearts- we deny God the chance make us whole- I deny Him the opportunity to make me fully me again. We are not called to sink into the shadows. We are called to bring light.

You and I need to embrace ourselves- I am me. No one can be more me than I- and I am just as God intended me to be. Life can destroy me, if I let it. Only God can make me glorious in the essence of who I was born to be. And that, my friends, is the most important thing I ever need to know.

Merry Christmas!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year again- Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I only got today off, but it's been a lovely day with the family! I managed to get off work in time to head to the Shedd family Christmas service last night- it was lovely. I love my Shedd family so much! For the first time in ages, I feel really close to God. I love this time of year and all it entails. Family time- love everywhere! Of course, it's tiring and takes a lot of work to make Christmas go well- but it's completely worth it on the day. This year, I had to make my gifts for people myself as I'm so very short of cash. It's taken a lot of the stress out- in recent years I've found myself resenting the consumerist side of Christmas, as I see more and more how the birth of Jesus has been turned into something so much more worldly. This year has been better- much less fuss all round. 

Unfortunately our town was hit with flooding two days ago- if you're reading this, please do say a prayer for those affected. Quite a large number of people in the street next to us have been displaced from their homes and have lost their presents as well as their other possessions. The picture below shows the street- the van on the left hand side was Dad's. We lost mum's car and the van- my car is the only one that survived. Sometimes I really do feel blessed. It was upsetting at the time, but we quickly saw how lightly we got off compared to others. 

The most important thing at this time of year is to remember the reason we celebrate. Jesus came to the world to make us whole and repair our relationship with the Father. And no matter what else happens- flooding, losing possessions, or any other disasters, that alone is is a reason for joy.

My New Project

One Blog wasn't enough!

As part of my Tearfund Rhythms project, I've started a new tumblog!! It's called "Enough to Eat?" and my aim is to draw attention to those in the world who are less fortunate than myself and maybe give a few tips on how we can alleviate their suffering. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a lot, but it's important to me. I'm learning the value of advocacy, and everywhere I go I'm getting new ideas- cue me investing far too much time in yet another blog! I'm very excited about it- feel free to check it out:

http://enough-to-eat.tumblr.com

Wreaking Havoc

Nature is a beautiful and terrible thing.

By the sea is one of my favourite places to be. When I am in Stirling I miss it awfully. It looks especially beautiful in winter, all whipped up. But last night a combination of a high tide and dreadful wind caused carnage here in Stonehaven. The seafront is devastated. Businesses and homes alike have been flooded, some near enough destroyed, by the sea. The boardwalk is torn up. The sea has ripped apart hundred year old walls as though they were nothing. 

It's truly awful to see. The sea, still beautiful, has not yet calmed. There is no use in a clean up operation until later on in the week when we can be sure the worst is over. 

This is a sad state, particularly when we remember that Stonehaven is famous for its New Year celebrations, and this year with the new look Open Air in the Square bringing in thousands from outside the town, the pressure is on to have this all cleaned up as quickly as possible.

It's a good reminder to me, of God's power. He chooses to be a true and loyal God, loving to the last and more beautiful than anything we can see or imagine. His power, though, should not be underestimated. Personally, I have always found the idea of fearing God, the God I know, a little difficult to understand. The situation in my hometown today has given me an insight into what that really means.

Big Decisions

I've made a big decision- and it's very exciting!!

I'll be taking baptismal classes while I'm home, with the aim of getting baptised before I go back to Stirling. I'm looking forward to it a lot!!

It's been a bit of a journey- baptism is something I've been thinking about for a while now- I really think it's the next step for me, as becoming a fully fledged member of Shedd who contributes and all that is really important to me. I also feel that after all I've done and been through, God wants to reaffirm that he can wash anything clean- there is a lot I have done that I'm not proud of and that gesture of love is important to me. I'm also very afraid of going under water- an obvious barrier to the whole idea of full submersion!!- but I've been working with my good friend Amy on getting over that fear, and I finally feel ready.

It means a lot to me to have the chance to stand publicly and renounce my behaviour in the past, and embrace all that God has for me in the future. I'm very excited!!

Home for the Holidays

I'm home :)

It's bittersweet. Saying goodbye to the girls was one of the hardest things ever- it's amazing how close you can get to people in such a short time when you all live together- but my parents are glad to see me and I will be able to go to Shedd tomorrow. I also went to my sister's and saw her and Katelyn for a while tonight. 

I thank God so so much for putting those girls into my life, I love them too much. I trust that he will bless me again next semester with people who will enrich my life. In the meantime I have plenty of free time to catch up with the wonderful people I missed while I was away :)

Finished!!!

Well, the semester is officially over. My last final is done and I am free to go home, or stay here, or basically do what I want. I've been desperate to get home all semester. But now...

Well, I don't need to get back for Lewis any more. I saw my mum at the weekend so she'll be fine for a few extra days, and my friends- well they're all here. And now I have to face the reality that when I leave on Saturday, I say good bye to most of them, kind of forever. Unless on the slim chance at some point in our lives we're visiting the countries each other live in, we won't ever hang out again. I know I'll see amy- that's not the same. I couldn't live without her for ever. But I like living with these people. I like what we have. And now everyone is going home- and they're not coming back.

After Christmas, we get an onslaught of new exchange students and go through the whole process of making friends all over again. It never occured to me to keep anyone at a distance, but it's starting to. I hate goodbyes. If we make friends with all the newbies, this has to happen again. I sometimes wish I was the sort of person who could detach myself. But I know in my heart that isn't what God wants for me. I read a quote this week from Andrea Gibson:

"A Doctor once told me I feel too much. I said, so does God. That's why you can see the Grand Canyon from the moon."

It's my greatest gift and my Achilles heel- I feel too much. I'm scared to ask God to break my heart for what breaks his because when he does it cripples me. There must be a way I can draw my strength from Him- to be stronger. I've experienced pain and heartbreak, and I know I can withstand it, but I love too deeply too quickly and that leads to so much pain. I don't know how I'll deal with saying goodbye to these people- I love them all, even those I had trouble with at first- but I know God will be my strength, and I know he will send people into my life in their stead- he won't leave me here alone.

Exam Day!

I have my sociology exam today.

I'm sure it'll be fine- first year exam, can't really go wrong can it? But I'm still a little nervous. Tomorrow I have law, which is way more cause for concern. Unfortunately my life kind of revolves around studying at the moment, so there isn't very much worthwhile to say.

I'm a little worried about the weather, as the snow at home means I might be stuck here for a while, but I guess God's will is in that- I'm in no hurry to get back, I'll go when I'm sent. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my lovely American friends when I do go, so I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not sure what I'll do without the Amys!! I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

More later- must study!!

God Bless x

Procrastination: A Guide

1. You need to eat before you can concentrate. Go to the kitchen and make a nourishing (read time-consuming) meal
2. No food in? Go to the shop. 
3. You have to shower, otherwise you're gross. Doesn't matter if you're leaving you're room any time soon or not.
4. One or two YouTube videos never hurt anyone. Don't be too hard on yourself.
5. You need to check Facebook regularly- other people are studying too, and you need to know how they are getting on.
6. Checking your email frequently is equally important- what if some information about the exam comes through?
7. The other people you live with need moral support at this time. Be sure to go talk to them a lot.
8. Make sure you take regular breaks. Staring into space helps focus your mind.
9. You can't study in a messy environment- you need to clean your room before you start. Haven't cleaned it all semester? All the more reason to start now.
10. If all else fails, make a blog about procrastination.