Remembering

It's 3 years today since my Grandad died. Honestly, I try not to think too much about it most of the time. I loved him very much- he was always very supportive of my sister and I. He loved all of my cousins and is very much. He and my other Grandad died within 3 months of each other, both had cancer. It was a horrible time for all of us.

I was told once that it's selfish to want to keep holding onto someone when it's their time to die. Whilst I think that's a bit much, I can see where it comes from. God chooses the time for everyone. So how do we deal with things like cancer? I believe that god chooses for all of us to live into old age and die naturally.

But that's not the enemy's plan. He created things like cancer and accidents to damage us. To make us question God- both his sovereignty and his goodness.

All I know is that I'm on the other side of most of those questions. I've accepted that I don't have all the answers. I miss my grandads all the time. But God is in control. And the most important thing is that he makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him- even the things that weren't in the original plan.

Money Worries

So I decided it's time to stop ignoring my problems with money and actually do a budget and work out what I need. My pastor at home advised that this would help me, and that although it's good to trust God, I need to know what I'm asking for. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. 

So, my budget showed up a shortfall of £3000 between now and when I finish for summer in June. That's taking into account my student loan as it stands, not looking at the changes that I'm hoping are made to my bursary and loan- I'm still waiting for SAAS to come back to me on my appeal. It's been 5 months now. 

This was always going to be my challenge- to trust God when there doesn't seem to be an answer. I think the key is to take it a month at a time, and not to focus on how I can make ends meet. I know in my heart that I'm doing what God wants mew to do- now I just have to trust that he has a way of doing it. I gave up financial security when I decided to follow God's will, and it's hard not to look back on that with a little- not so much regret as just wishing I had a little more of that freedom.

God has a purpose. He has a plan for my life, and in some way or another this will serve it.

An Eventful Week

It's been a while since I have had time to write a blog- there has been so much going on! It seems that everyone on my floor had an accident or got ill at the same time. For the sake of some of their dignity, I won't name any names, but I don't think any of them would mind me sharing...

The Thursday past last week was one of the girls 18th birthdays, so all of us girls decided to have a night out at Fubar in town- not necessarily the nicest of clubs, but there's not a huge choice in Stirling. It's challenging being a part of what's going on on nights out without having a drink, but all in all the night went really well. I drove in, which meant that no one tried to persuade me to have a drink, something I always struggle to refuse- it makes me feel like I'm somehow not as "fun" as everyone else if I say no. Anyway, I stayed for a while, then left when everyone started to get too drunk for it to be fun for a sober person.

The lovely Fubar

I got home, got into bed, and my phone started to go and someone was banging at my door. They told me that one of the girls had got a stiletto through the foot. Being the only sober one in the flat, I ended up driving her half an hour to Larbert to the nearest hospital and staying there with her until around 5 in the morning while she had what I described as a "Jesus hole" in her foot glued up.

Whilst I would love to say this was the most dramatic event of the weekend, it only got worse from there. One of the other girls got a horrendous case of tonsilitis, so needed to go to the out of hours GP at the minor injuries unit on Saturday. This meant that I had to put off doing an essay due on Monday, but it wasn't the end of the world- we were only there for a few hours.

The hospital looks much less scary in the daylight

Things only got worse on Sunday. I got my essay finished in the afternoon, which was a huge relief as I had been procrastinating and did not want to do it at all- another blog on the joys of philosophy will follow! The others decided to have a drink in the evening, a quiet session which became terribly dramatic when my closest friend in the flat managed to drink enough to give herself alcohol poisoning. This resulted in yet another night in A&E and two days of feeling ill for the poor girl. She doesn't drink usually at home, and overestimated her own capacity- a mistake she will not make in a hurry again!

I guess I learned two things over the course of the weekend- both from people's reactions to me and both equally important. The first was that I can have fun and be a part of the fun even without having a drink in me- this is something I've had a lot of trouble accepting over the years. The second was that the way we behave can be a great witness to the people around us. By unflinchingly accepting the responsibility of taking people where they needed to go, I showed that there is something different about my life- and people have said so. Hopefully this is something I can continue.

Finding My Feet

I've just come back from my first service at Cornton Baptist Church. I enjoyed it- the church is small, the congregation a lot smaller than anywhere I've ever been before. The people seem lovely- more than one came up to me to say hello and have a chat. The small group of students seem very welcoming and friendly too, like the sort of people I could get on with.

The service was very structured and quite formal- not what I'm used to at Shedd, but much more like the Church of Scotland churches I was brought up in. The main thing is, the people seem nice and I'm looking forward to going back.

Visions

So I guess I omitted a pretty big piece of information about the time when I was ill at home. To shed a little light on the background to this, prophecy is something I have been praying into for a long time, and talking over with people I know take this kind of thing seriously. I'm not brave enough to even attempt to prophesy over another person, whether I know them or not, but with God's help I'm working on it.

I guess what got me thinking about prophecy properly in the first place was Mike Pilavachi's talk at Imagine Scotland this year. He put forward the idea that actually we should desire spiritual gifts, which is biblical- 1 Corinthians 14:1- Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy. To me, the idea that all I had to do was ask God for spiritual gifts was totally new- it never occured to me that people weren't born with the ability to use certain gifts, and as far as I was concerned before, mine was my voice. 

Mike Pilavachi speaking at Imagine earlier this year

Mike told us a story about a time when he was asked to sit with a man renowned for his gifting in prophecy and had absolutely no idea what to do. When the first couple came to them, he sat for a long, long time, and all that he could think of was a swear word in Greek, which was a terrible, derogatory thing to call a woman. He really didn't want to say it, but when he got up the courage, the woman broke down. It turned out her ex-husband had been Greek, and emotionally abusive. Even in front of other people he did not refer to her by her name, but rather by this terrible word. The lesson he shared, essentially, was that if you listen to God, however crazy it seems, he'll tell you what He wants people to hear.

And so, long story not so short, this idea really moved me and I feel prophecy is a gift God wants to share- but for now I'm comfortable just getting visions for me!! 

So, back to the original story, last Sunday night we had a Worship Central session at Shedd. Boyfriend convinced me to stay an extra day to go to it, and it was so incredibly beneficial. During a time of worship, I asked God to show me the plans he had for me, and what I saw was this (and I'm aware I have now crossed the line into crazy people territory, just bear with!!)-

So first I saw a city at night from above- then I saw the Wallace Monument behind that city, so ok it's Stirling. Then every person in the city who needs God lit up and shone like a yellow light, so the whole place was lit up with people. There was a concentration of light in one particular area, so ok now God's showing me where there is the greatest need for Him. Then, I was in Cornton (which I only know because I've driven through it like twice) and I was standing in front of the church there (which I've never seen in my life). Then the doors open, and a rush of water comes out, and there are people swimming in it- they circled around the people with the lights, who were then lifted up out of the water towards the sky. So at this point, I was confused and a little scared, but excited all the same. So I asked God what I need to do to bless Him, what He wants me to do- and then I was before Jesus. God told me to get on my knees, so I did (in real life too!) and Jesus anointed me with oil.

Cornton Baptist Church

So now everyone is thinking I'm mental, and that's fair enough- I might be!- but I'm so sure of God's promises and that what He tells us in the bible. He tells us that prophecy is real- and given the trouble I've been having finding a church to keep going to, this seems pretty clear to me. I guess all I can do is go there and see what happens. The thing about prophecy is it's not an exact science- it could well be that I didn't see what I thought I did, or I only saw what I wanted to see, or even that I misunderstood what I did see. But all I can do is pray into that, trust God and go forward.

Home Sweet Home (or something like it)

It feels so good to be back in Stirling!! And look at the wonderful view I was greeted with:

The View over the Loch on Campus

Autumn is most definitely my favourite time of year. The entire way from home to university I was treated to beauty as far as I could see. The colours are so rich and vibrant, and everything smells so nice- and that chill in the air gets me so excited for Christmas coming!! I really felt God telling me that the beauty I see now is just a taste of what's to come- and that's so exciting too! 

I went to Shedd for the morning service before coming back down the road today- and I'm so thankful. The teaching was so relevant. Our pastor was talking about the importance of relationship with people- not only Christians but also those we want to reach out to. The idea, of course, is that Jesus was so truly interested in the people he met, so genuine with them, and reached out to them in ways they understood- and we should do the same. There was some discussion on the importance of empathy, which is something I feel fairly gifted towards, but I need to get past my fear of putting myself out there if I really want to bond with people. 

Following on from that, coming back here was great. I just love talking to people, and that's all I've done since I got home. I've had a catch up with my best friend (who reads this so I have to say nice things about her)which was great as we haven't seen a lot of each other lately. Moving in and starting a new semester and meeting flat mates all takes up so much time!! It was so nice to just relax, and to talk for the sake of it. Then I went out for a walk with some of my flat mates so that we could enjoy some of what autumn is bringing- one of them is from California so Autumn is a totally new concept to her. Watching how excited it makes her is genuinely lovely. 

The other side of the loch

I guess what I've taken from today is that God has so much in store for me here- there is so much to be seen and experienced, so many new people to meet, and of course the value of steadfast friends when so much is changing.God uses everything to teach us a little about himself.

Looking Up...

God Listens

Since my post yesterday, my mood gradually deteriorated. By last night, I found myself feeling terrible- lonely, not heard, and ill. I called out to God, telling him how rotten I was feeling and sharing everything that was on my mind. My biggest problem, as I mentioned yesterday, was that boyfriend wasn't listening to me. Already lonely, the feeling that he was uninterested in anything I had going on had me frustrated, but mostly worried and sad.

But after I chatted to God for a while, I got a text from one of the young adults from Shedd asking how I was. So I told her the truth, which is not something I would usually feel comfortable with, and after talking to her for a while I felt much better.

Later on, boyfriend managed to get 20 minutes to call me, which meant more than I think he realised. He's still very absorbed in what's going on with him, but it felt better to have spoken to him. I don't think he sees how he's behaving, but I'm sure once he's back down to earth he'll come round. I feel much better about that now.

Feeling Poorly

Up To Date

Well I guess that's us up to the present day- time for the real blogging to start!! I hope the previous posts weren't too dull- I guess background is important.

So Where are we Now?

I still don't have a church in Stirling, and I have only been to the CU once. I did have a very exciting vision from God regarding which church to go to- but more on that once I've seen where it's going!! I'm missing a lot at the moment as I have had to go back home for a while. The Doctors diagnosed me with Whooping Cough, which is a highly contagious condition, so until I have completed a course of antibiotics I can't really stay in halls. 

It also means I can't sleep very well as the coughing is at it's worst at night time. I wake myself up coughing frequently. It's challenging to say the least. It seems like a small thing, but every time I try to sleep I find myself begging God for a little respite, and when I get no response, to be honest it's exhausting. 

Boyfriend is away this week, starting his discipleship course down in London. He's in a bit of an ivory tower, which I guess makes it hard for him to understand what's going on at home. I'm so glad he's encountering god so deeply and learning so, so much. It's hard though- my biggest fear is that by the end of this course he will be so "spiritual" that I'll feel like I'm falling behind. He has a tendency, as do we all, I suppose, to talk as if he is on rather a higher plain when he is feeling close to God, and unfortunately that can feel like a disinterested "get on with it and be more faithful" at times- although I know that's not how he means it. Today, I found myself in tears after telling him how hard I was finding things and getting a rather impersonal response.

Of course it doesn't help that I'm feeling particularly fragile as it is, having been sent away by my flatmates and unable to get any real rest. I will need to work through my fears of being outgrown, and my hatred of perceiving someone to be patronising me. He doesn't mean to, but it's not going to be easy to take it on the chin. I guess I need to ask God to help me find ways to deal with it. Years ago, when we were just friends, I had a huge problem with boyfriend in that he tried to "fix" everything with a simple solution and spoke down to me a lot- in my mind, I see that coming back as he learns more about spirituality and discipleship. I would like to think that's not all on my side, but it's definitely something I need God's help with.

All in all, things aren't too great right now. Hoping for an improvement in things once I speak to my Doctor tomorrow, at least in terms of the illness.

God Bless x

Old Habits Die Hard

It's natural when facing a new situation to try to blend in. It's human nature- a side effect to free will, if you like. For me, when I was far from God I would have a lot to drink. It was my way of fitting in to my group of friends, of disguising myself in the crowds. That was something I swore to myself I wouldn't go back to- it was a dark place, being someone I wasn't and always feeling a little at odds with who I really am.

Using drinking as a way to fit in has never been a healthy way to make friends- or indeed a way to create and sustain lasting relationships with people. The "honesty" that emerges when I drink has tended to be detrimental rather than helpful, and as someone who remembers every detail the morning after, it can be both embarrassing to look back on, and disappointing when conversations or goings-on are not remembered by all those involved.

Unfortunately, a couple of weeks into my stay in halls, I had stopped talking to God and decided the way to heal the distance I felt between me and my flat mates was to get drunk with them- old habits die hard, as they say. I decided I was fine with it and that there was nothing wrong with it, refusing to acknowledge that the distance I was feeling was between me and god, which was in turn causing distance between me and boyfriend. We were already struggling, not dealing with the distance well and arguing a lot. Luckily for me, the error of my ways was highlighted fairly quickly, and the remainder of my alcohol swiftly disposed of.

I'm not saying it's totally wrong for any Christian, or anyone at all for that matter, to drink. It's just wrong for me. It separates me from God because it is a reminder of a past he has redeemed me from. Of course there are issues from that past which I still need to seek forgiveness from, and deal with through prayer and bible study. Essentially, I need to work on calling out to God in times of trouble and worry rather than pulling away and drawing on my own strength, or boyfriend's, to see me over. To that effect, we have agreed that neither of us will drink if one of us can't. It's a far better incentive to me than the nagging I got before, but bless him he's always trying his best to protect me. I guess we both need to learn that that is God's job. By the grace of God I will carry on- and hopefully there won't be a next time.

God Bless x

Moving In

Culture Shock

My new home was very, very different to what I was used to. Even after a month, there's some adjusting to do. There were practical things to think about, such as finding cupboard space in the kitchen and fitting all of my things into my little room, as well as the rest. My mum helped me to move in, which must have been hard for her. We have always been close, and her leaving was challenging. I called my best friend straight away so that she could cheer me up- in retrospect I should have turned to God and that's where I started to fall down. 

My New Home

My room is very small compared to my room at home, and sharing cooking space is something I struggle with. I have taken to eating at erratic times simply to guarantee peace to cook! This is something I will have to work through, with God's help of course, as I miss a great deal of opportunities to talk to my flat mates by keeping to my room as much as possible. This is something I have worked on since moving in, and I sit in the kitchen much more often now than at first. 

New Friends

Gradually over the next few days I started to meet the people I'm to live with this year. A lot of them are exchange students, mostly in their third year of study in the USA, so my fears of being the oldest there and not fitting in were largely unfounded. I believe that this was by God's grace as it was something that I had a lot of worries about. They proved to be lovely- and a few share my faith, which is such a huge support, although not something we openly discuss as yet. 

Me with one of my lovely new flatmates

There have been the usual issues over keeping the kitchen tidy, noise levels and such like, but nothing major so far. I can only thanks God for putting me with such a nice group of people- though I rarely dislike anyone, I am not the most patient of people, nor I suppose the easiest to live with due to my (at times erratic) mood changes and constant need to please everyone, which I have learned over the years can be irritating.

I have found it tricky to socialise in such a large group, and it wasn't until some opportunities for one-on-one time presented themselves that I made any true friends. For the first week, it was a very lonely place to be. I stopped talking to God as much as I should have, and desperately wanted to fit in. Because of that, I fell back into old habits- but more on that later. Within 3 days I came home for the night to see my family and boyfriend. 

Lessons

sharing my space is an ongoing challenge for me- particularly in light of the noise levels and amount of drinking that goes on sometimes. I think this is something I will need to lay before God and accept that I cannot change- all I can change is how I deal with the environment, and for that I need God's grace and the power only He has to change my heart.

God Bless x

Leaving Home

One of the huge challenges for anyone moving onto campus for their studies is leaving home. This is something I was particularly dreading as I am very close with my family, and have a niece who is only just 2. I live in the beautiful town of Stonehaven with my Mum and Dad, and my sister lives just up the road with my niece. Saying goodbye to her was something that required a great deal of strength. Through this situation, God is bringing me to a place of total reliance on Him. I had to leave all my safety nets behind me in order to carry out His plans for me- that was not an easy thing to do.

The town of Stonehaven

The other people who I found it difficult to leave were the Young Adults at my home church, Sheddocksley (fondly known as The Shedd). They have held me faithfully in their prayers both in the lead up to the big move, and since. For the first time in a long time, this group of people makes me feel safe and comfortable. They are a huge encouragement to me, and without their love and prayers I believe this journey would be much, much harder. They have supported me, and spoken words of love and truth over me from the minute I waked through the door. I truly believe that God puts people in our lives during the seasons that we need them- and I pray that I can be as much of an encouragement to them as they have been to me. 

Obviously, one of the hardest things to do was discuss with my boyfriend the potential of doing the long distance thing. Although we genuinely believe that God's plan is for us to be together, the timing hasn't been ideal. It's been hard work for both of us- but more on that later.

For others in a similiar situation, I would say that the best thing to do is dwell on God's plan for you. For me, the verse that stuck with me throughout was Jeremiah 29:11;

"For I alone know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to bring about a hope and a future."

Obviously, this is much more easy to say than it is to do, and I could have handled the situation with a great deal more grace than I did- but then when so we not fall short? I find comfort in the knowledge that God's grace is eternal and his mercies are new every morning. 

God Bless x

Decisions, Decisions.

Where was I?

When I left the University of Aberdeen, it was always with the intention of returning to tertiary education within a year. Unfortunately, I allowed Satan the chance to get into my head in that time, and left the church I was attending. During this time I was far from God, and ignoring his plans for me.

By His grace, I had a good job with an oil company which allowed me the resources needed to learn to drive and make savings. Due to my refusal to listen to His plans, however, I almost accepted an offer to stay there indefinitely. I got comfortable, I enjoyed having money and feeling secure, regardless of the state of my relationships. Looking back, I was not as happy as I thought I was.

GE Dinner Dance- May 2012

In retrospect I know that there was always going to come a point where God made me choose between His plans for me and being financially secure. This year is going to be a huge challenge for me in terms of the amount of money I have- as I had no intention of returning to uni for the majority of the year, I saved very little of the money I made at GE. God has told me many times, through many people, that I will get through it if I trust in Him to provide for me.

Realisation

The realisation of what I truly needed to do came through talking to a good friend of mine. For a long time I have trusted her judgement- she has a heart for God and has been a sort of mentor to me over many years. I toiled over the decision for a long time. The light for me was being told that God puts His desires in your heart if you ask Him to. So I did. And it turned out that the true desire of my heart was to get back into my studies.

I talked over all of my issues with this friend- the demons that plagued me, the visions and nightmares and feeling of being so, so far from God. The state my relationships were in. I had attempted to read a book- "Let the Healing Begin"- a good one if you can get your hands on it- and had come to a point where the advice was to visualise the door in Revelation 3:20, and open it to Jesus.

But when I opened the door, there were terrible things behind it, manifestations of all my fears- so I shut it again.


Difficulties

Once I made the decision to follow God's will instead of my own, the attacks only grew. It was my boyfriend, at the time my best friend, and his mum, who first pointed out that I may need to face these attacks head on an tell Satan and his minions to leave me be. This has never been an area of my faith that I have been comfortable exploring. I had a bad experience with a presence of some kind when I was younger, and it left me terrified. What has been shown to me though, is that all these presences bring to me is fear- there is nothing to fear, only fear itself. Through reading God's word, and praying with others, I have come close to conquering this fear- I trust God more now than I ever have before.

The Start of the Journey

The decision that I was to leave was hard to make- but it was only the beginning. I depend on God for my comfort, and my sanity some days! I'll explore more of those challenges later...

God Bless x

Welcome!!

Welcome to my blog!! 

the beautiful campus that is my new home 

I plan to use this space to discuss the trials and tribulations of beginning my new life at university. It's not been easy so far, holding on to God when everything around me is changing, but maybe by talking about that I can help other people with the same problems. I plan to be as honest as I can- but please bear with me if I struggle.

A little about me? I moved to Stirling in September to study Law and Criminology- I had done a year of Politics and IR at Aberdeen, but God had other plans for me! I strayed from him for a long time, got into some stuff I shouldn't have, but am now (in my opinion!!) back on track. I am in recovery from moderate depression, and trying to put my past behind me. Hopefully this blog will help me on my way, and help others too!

You'll have to bear with me as I do a bit of catch-up work- I felt this was something God wanted me to do from the off, but I ignored that feeling through the fear it would be difficult and awkward. Writing is a gift I have been blessed with and aware of all my life, so where those doubts came from is anyone's guess. I'll discuss the issues I've had finding a church, making new friends, moving in with new people and all the rest. There have been many trials already and I'm sure there are more to come, but I'm sure that God is in the middle of it guiding my life. 

Welcome, again, and I hope you can find some inspiration and comfort here.

God Bless x