Not Okay

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I embarked on this adventure trusting in God to provide for me, and now everything is going wrong at every turn. I have a month's rent due from December, which I'm being chased for, and another payment due in 2 weeks which I can't pay either. That kind of money doesn't fall out of the sky. I can't even afford to get back to Stirling on Monday right now. I'm just crying all the time, I don't know how God  can pull me out of this- I have trusted Him and believed all this time that things would work out, but right now I just can't see it. I'm devastated, and scared and confused.

I know that attacks happen, especially when you've made a big decision, like a commitment to baptism, but it's hard not to feel that God is holding out on me. I know that's not true, and all I need is a little perspective, but it's hard to come by at times like this.

If someone would pay me to blog, I'd be eternally grateful...but in all seriousness, please pray. I'm finding it hard to find the words myself.

God Bless.

Exciting News

There's good news, and there's bad news. It's always better to end on a high, so firstly, I heard back from SAAS today and they are not going to reassess my loan and bursary. This means I cannot afford to pay my rent, or living costs at all for that matter, from here on in, so I am leaning on God more than ever in this department. There really is no money. It's not what I want to be thinking of or concerned with, but there it is. I'm a bit lost on how to deal with it. Please do pray if you would- it's a scary situation.

The good news, however, is very very exciting!! I had a meeting last night with Stephen, our pastor at Shedd, and set a date for my baptism- Linda and I will be baptised together on March 17th. I can't wait!! It's such a great thing to happen in my life. A chance to make a chance, to publicly renounce the way I have behaved in the past and start fresh.

There are plenty of practicalities along with baptism, not least deciding what to say when the time comes!! I guess I'll worry about that when I have my peace and quiet in my room back, and unlimited time to get it done. I also have to choose someone to be waiting with my towel when I get out. That's as hard I think. I want it to be Amy!! But she's very very far away unfortunately. Besides that, I do have some very good friends at Shedd. There are three people I'd like to ask so I just have to choose one- one is ruled out by gender, since I need someone to come into the ladies with me!!

I'll have to do lots of praying about this one I think. I can't wait!!!!

Under Attack

I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm still super confused by life, but I think the fact that I am super crazy hormonal has a lot to do with it. The combination of the flat out crazy lady syndrome, and the fact that my hormones are messing with my sleep pattern, is enough to make anyone a little confused about life. 

In terms of my money woes, I faced a few more walls today- they are springing up everywhere no matter what I do or pray for- but I have had a sort of revelation. If you already knew something in your heart, just hadn't consciously acknowledged it, is that a revelation?? Anyway, going off-topic- qu'elle supris! I am reminded of Daniel, and His attempts to connect with God- when his angel finally arrived, he found out that God had sent an immediate response, but that the angel had been forced to battle satan's minions to reach him. 

The truth is, emails do not evaporate, and banks do not have this many problems in a typical situation. Things go wrong in everyone's life- regularly- but I do not believe in coincidence. For so many things to go wrong in the area that is my greatest weakness- the only thing that has the power to potentially stop me from finishing my degree and seeing out God's plan is no accident.

God has big plans for my life- I know that through listening to Him. But even if I was unsure of it, this attack is confirmation. There are big things ahead of me- things that Satan does not want to happen. There is a part of this world which God wants to see me change. It is time for me to power through in prayer, and accept God's hand on my life. 

We cannot, and should not, be flippant about spiritual attack- it is dangerous and frightening. I have stopped responding to the presence of pure fear through prayer and reading of the scriptures- but there are other ways to try to head me off, and I see that clearly now. The honest truth is that this kind of attack is affirming if we look at it through spiritual eyes- the enemy wants to stop God's work in me. That means that I'm being given something worth taking away. Hallelujah.

Inspiration

my tiny piece of inspiration for the day- because God reaches out to us when we are struggling, and in ways we do not expect.

I was looking for pictures to put on Enough to Eat (check it out here, it's my baby), when I just felt the words "They are not You" in my mind, over and over. I know the phrase, it's from One Tree Hill- Peyton drew this for Lucas in the early days. I always felt a connection to Peyton's character, and her artwork was something that stuck with me. This picture, the words, just speak to me right now. 

I feel God's calling on me at the moment, as though He has big plans, but I just have to keep pressing into it to find out what it is. It's related to my passions, to Tearfund, to Street Pastors, that I'm sure. I feel called to mission in the next few years also- to some real travel and experience. But it's a waiting game, and it feels like the time while I have to work and study like a regular person is dragging. 

I needed this message to break through my haze- they are not you. Everyone has their role to play and everyone's role is equally important. It's all in the Dead Poet's Society quote- "the human race is filled with passion. So medicine, law, business, engineering... these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for."

God has a life for me that is worth staying alive for. He knows what I need- and I have nothing to worry about.

They are not me.

Bewildered

Feeling a little odd just now. I'm excited to get back down to Stirling, but worried that I won't have money to see me through the semester. I'll miss everyone, but I'm ready to go home now. 

There's too much going on in my head at the moment. I can't think straight. I need to focus, on losing weight and on studying and on clearing my stuff out. I have no intention of coming back before the easter break at the start of April. There are people I'll miss more than I should, and I'm worried my Mum will miss me a lot. 

I'm just tired I guess. There are too many distractions in the world. I want to focus on God and His plan for me, but there's always something going on, vying for my attention. I guess I need to pray into it and work on it. I want to feel alive again.

Getting it together

Struggling a little at the moment. I'm trying to trust God completely with my finances, but it can feel sometimes like he isn't coming through for me. Things keep going wrong, and saas won't come through, and work paid me way less than they should have, I'm being taxed too much and I have nothing saved- I can't even work out where money goes. I paid my rent but I still haven't paid Decembers and residential services keep calling and I have nothing to say to them. I'm stressed. God, please give me some answers.

Back to Uni

It's very close to time for me to head back to Stirling. Obviously I'll miss my family and friends, but I'm very excited!! I'm looking forward to having more free time, and to the plans God has for me this semester. I'm currently looking into setting up a student society for Tearfund, which is very very exciting. I will also start my training for Street Pastors in March, which will be scary but I believe God has big plans for me. 

It's not fun working full time- but through it God has really challenged my attitudes. I need to learn that life will not always go my way, but in the end God works all things for the good of those who love him. 

Feeling good at the moment. I'll endeavor to put a more detailed post up as soon as I have the time.