Productivity

I'm going to give blood today.

I can't stand needles, but I think it's really important to do it anyway. I haven't been allowed the last few times, because of my tattoo and because I've been unwell. I hope it goes better than the last time I actually was allowed! I got really giddy and nearly passed out.

I'm determined to be productive today. I have already handed in an essay and posted two letters- it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's more than I usually do. That's probably why I'm so tired all the time!! I need to get out and do things. I guess right now though my priority has to be getting my head in my books and preparing for my exams. I need to be careful though- I have a history of being much too hard on myself at exam time.

God Bless x

Edinburgh

Today was a good day.

I have been feeling pretty low lately, understandably I suppose, with everything going on, but it was so nice to just get away today. I took Amy and her sister Sarah to Edinburgh for the day, where we went to the castle, the museum, and the parliament...and also...dun dun dun!...the café where JK Rowling started writing Harry Potter. So my life is awesome. 

The café where Harry Potter was written

But seriously, it's always nice to go home, and I love it there so so so much. It dramatically improved my mood!! I now badly need to focus on both studying- of which I am most definitely not doing enough- and talking to God. When I'm not feeling great, I find it hard to be honest with God, so have a tendency to resort to shutting Him out entirely.

Whilst this used to lead to total breakdown of communication, I'm not in a place where I'm not willing to let that happen. BUT what I do instead is find myself in a reluctant kind of half-relationship where I feel guilty when I think about God, so I try not to think about Him, but I know I need to talk to Him, so I do a little, but then I feel crappy again- and the spiral continues. I must not let myself get back down that spiral. I could do with a little support right now!! Starting to wish I had more Christian friends to talk to down here. 

A quote of Amy's from our wonderful day together...

I was reminded today though that I do have Amy. Even if sometimes I'm too stressy to deal with everything, she understands in a way others don't, since she believes too. That's more comfort than I think she knows.

God Bless x

Freedom...To Work

My final assignment for the semester is complete!! It's a good feeling, knowing that I have no more essays to hand in- and thankfully my grasp on Free Will means that hopefully my lack of actually attending lectures won't show!! Philosophy has been hard work and I don't know if I'll take it again after Christmas, but for now at least it's over. Now all I need to do is tackle the mountains of work I have for Sociology and Law before the exams- easier said than done!! 

Studying

It's so hard to focus when you have things on your mind!!

I'm really struggling to be kind and helpful right now. It's so easy with exams coming up to forget that people have other problems. I'm finding study really tricky- I guess being out of it for so long hasn't helped my cause. But when I sit down to study I'm finding it so hard to focus, and the people around me just aren't as bothered about it as me- and they seem to think that I should be more concerned with other "stuff" that's going on. I don't want people to think I'm just "over it" when it comes to their problems- but to a certain extent I am.

I'm tired. I'm ill. I have an unbelievable amount of work to do. And all I want is peace to do it. I shouldn't be having to lock my door and turn off my phone for that to happen. I need to regroup. Give all my worries over to God and ask Him to help me focus, and to balance getting my work done with showing love to the people around me. I need to get my priorities right, or this is all going to go wrong.

Shedd Tomorrow!!

I'm very much looking forward to seeing my Shedd family tomorrow morning. I need a little support! Even if it's just reassurance that I'm not hated by the family at large because Lewis and I broke up. I want to be a part of that family and I'm still on the outside of it. Being with Lewis made it much easier to be recognised and accepted. But- the show goes on as they say. Thankfully Lewis is away this weekend- as much as part of me wants to see him really badly, the sensible part knows that it will be beneficial for me to be able to worship and talk openly without the self-consciousness of knowing he's there. If was there he would be watching me as much as I would be watching him- and as always with us, our focus would be wrong.

I think they way that this weekend has turned out, in more aspects than one, it was a little gift from God for me. A reminder that with him in charge, everything will fall into place. As much as there are things I would like to change, particularly when I'm going back to Stirling, it's a lesson- if I can follow God's plan, everything will work out for the greater good in my life- the good that I cannot see if I am always searching for instantaneous satisfaction. The way things have gone, I will be back in time for church in Cornton tomorrow night. I would rather go to Worship Central to hear the session about Prophecy and Art, but God has other plans. Time to drop the attitude and learn some acceptance, possibly?

God Bless x

Home Again

I'm not very good at moving out. I stayed away for 3 weeks this time before I came home. I have to say though, that for someone with Absence Anxiety this is a huge challenge. When I'm not with my Mum, my brain processes that in the way that a "normal" brain processes the appropriate reaction to the death of the missing person. It's a battle but 3 weeks away is a lot for me. If it hadn't been for everything with Lewis I think I would have managed the 4 weeks I had planned to be away for, but I needed my Mum too badly to stay away any longer.

I'm at the worst I've been since the initial break up today. I was ok, but Lewis text me to check in and make sure I was ok today, and I couldn't handle it. I hope I wasn't too hard on him, but I need closure- we can't do the sort of broken up but not really thing where no one knows where they stand, and I know that the way both of us feel that would be far too easy to get into. He hasn't done anything to make me hate him or be angry, besides one choice comment on a public blog shared with our church, and in a way that makes it harder. It's almost like we've been cheated out of what should have been something wonderful.

God doesn't cheat us out of anything though. We're still young, and we have a lot ahead of us. What ever is in God's plan will come to fruition, there's no doubt about that. I will learn to trust God again. Only then can I learn to trust people. Maybe then I'll manage a functional relationship!! :P

God Bless x

Not Ok

I'm pretty good at pretending everything is ok. Unless people know me really well or I want them to know, they usually can't tell. But I'm not ok.

I feel so much- pain, confusion, one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. It's happened before- like there's a gate between me and how I really feel and if I let it through I'm going to collapse under the weight of it all. If I let God in, I have to admit how I feel. And I can't do that. I've lost someone really special to me, and now he's said some things I find hard to swallow- and I refuse to engage in a game of he said she said. I won't do it. That's not me. But it's about time I got real. I know I said that it would take me time to be able to process and work out where I am and be ready to discuss it, but I need to get it out.

I don't trust people. There are very few people in my life who I can be totally genuine with. And I feel let down. Like I let someone in and they didn't get how much that meant. People are human, they screw up. But I had my life planned. I knew what I wanted. And in one go it was all gone. I tried so hard to get back from it and I couldn't, and now I'm the bad guy. I'm the horrible girl who couldn't just try a little harder and make it work. But I did. I gave it everything /I had. It just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I never wanted it to be over, but I have nothing left to give. I can't be all he needs.

People got hurt. I lost more than just my boyfriend. I lost his family too. And all of my "real" friends were his friends first. And I'm scared they'll hate me now. All I know about people is that eventually they see through me. I'm not as nice as they thought, not as good as they thought, whatever. And then they're done with me. I can't feel like this. I'm exhausted.

I was on Tumblr just now, and I saw this:

And it broke me. Well and truly. I know what I need to do- I need to ask for forgiveness and work through this with God by my side. But that means embracing how I feel. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I need to be told I'm enough- and God is the only one with the authority for that.

Sometimes, things Suck

It's about time I updated this blog...I don't really want to but if I don't it defeats the purpose.

Boyfriend and I broke up last night. Things have been strained for a while, and the reasons for that will be kept between him and I, but it was extremely difficult to come to the decision we did.

It's hard because I care so very much for him, and all his family. We have so many friends in common and  things that we do together. Everything reminds me of how happy we were, but when it came to it God called me to honesty. I had to admit that things weren't the same, and that it was too hard to carry on. I hope very much that we can be friends, and I rely completely on God to get me through it.

I'm going back onto my "happy tablets" for a while, just so that I can cope a little better with all of the things going on at the moment. Whilst it may feel like a bit of a step back, I need to admit that it's difficult and do all I can to help myself. I pray for God's grace for both of us- maybe I can say more when it's not so raw.

God Bless.